I have a few comments on John's pursuit of happiness post but I wanted to address Donna1 and her anxiety issues first. As my manias escalate, the anxiety levels do too. In my case it becomes paranoia which is most distressing and difficult to relieve. I have no cure-all answers but as the mania disapates so does the anxiety. I wish you well.
When John mentioned moments in the garden I recalled the day I planted my bulbs last fall. My hands were numb from digging in the cold but I knew I had to finish. I pushed myself to finish almost as the snow was arriving. Of course, many other gardeners planted on sunny, warm days but I had procrastinated and had this one day left. Well, I don't have the flowers yet but the green of the leaves are showing and my hard work is evident. I never thought of it until now, but I have been so ravaged by the battles I've fought in my own head with mania that I rarely take on physical feats. Planting 200 bulbs in one day was exhausting but it felt really great. Getting "outside of your head" is wonderful advice for those of us consumed by the workings of our brains.
One last thing I need to add. While reading a book this past weekend, I felt the twinges of mania start to perk up. I was so tempted to revel in the numerology and funny coincidences I started to see but instead I informed my spouse I was feeling I little ramped up. This immediately broke the magic of the moment and I think derail the mania. This is another example of how reaching outside of myself helps curb the allure as Up turns to Up, Up and Away.
Hi John,
Let me start off by saying that I'm quite sure some of your blog posts and videos have saved my life. Please, don't stop doing the valuable work you do here.
I've suffered most of my life from on-again/off-again Major Depression and anxiety, along with some other mental health issues. My depression and anxiety is at an awful peak right now, but I have had brief moments of "triumph" (not sure that is the proper term) over these crushing conditions. I work every once in awhile when there are emergencies in my field, and I was so happy this past week. I was able to make it through an extremely stressful work situation which would have led to uncontrollable hysterical tears just a few short years ago. I was so happy for the rest of the day.
I am a bit terrified right now, however, as I may have to take on a full-time job (if anyone actually calls me back). But this recent triumph over depression/anxiety at least gives me a glimmer of hope for the future.
And Donna, I want to let you know that you are not alone in your feelings. A grand majority of the time I feel as you do. I try to hold on to hope, and I am sending some of mine your way today.
Thanks for letting me share.
Mary
My dear Bobo,
First of all, it is not easy. I grab onto anything I can find to give me hope. I've spent endless hours googling "hope for anxiety" and "hope for depression" (one word of warning--stay away from the quick fix google results); I read depression memoirs (a great one is Noonday Demon by Andrew Solomon. I also just finished one called Undercurrents by Martha Manning); I remember that I have been through this many, many times before and have survived, even when it seemed as if I had no hope; I read blogs like John's, written by people who are moving through these awful conditions; I see both a psychiatrist and a psychologist, who by pure luck are excellent (I've had my share of absolute lemons); I try a smattering of self-help cognitive therapy books, but I find myself hitting walls sometimes with this approach.
One thing I am not good at is reaching out in real life. My husband is also profoundly anxious and depressed, so I can't get help there right now. I'm an introvert, so I really have no close local friends. My mom is being treated for breast cancer right now, so my parents are focused on that (although they are very supportive long-distance). The area I live in is woefully lacking in support groups for mental illness, and the ones that exist I am scared to attend.
As you can see, I struggle daily as well. Some days, I have small triumphs. Some days I can't stop crying. But there is something in me that has hope and keeps going. I know it is within you, too. Please feel free to send me a private message (I'm pretty sure you can do that on here, but I'm new, so forgive me if this is not so).
If you do not feel the strength to hold on to hope, I will hold on to some for you. Please keep up the good fight.
Mary
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Glad to hear your NAMI Walk went well. Outdoor pasta does sound like fun...especially in San Diego.
I'm working on overcoming acute anxiety that springs to life every time I even consider doing something new. Like going back to college. Or driving to the next town to see my brother (in 35 yrs I have never driven to his house.) Or even saying "no" to the people I've always said "yes" to. I almost gag on it -- it hangs in my throat and threatens to suffocate me. Can you be suffocated by anxiety or does it just drive you over the edge of a cliff? Either way it feels like sure death.
I'm trying to figure this out rationally. As in, what is the real reason? Objectively I know that driving 40 miles in a direction I have never driven before does not mean I am driving into oblivion, yet I am driving myself into fear, shame and self-distrust over it. Add to that, self-disgust. Everything seems to loom much larger than life. I wanted to get away from the Law & Order and CSI reruns (where I spent a lot of time) but to do so, I felt I had to cancel my cable TV contract. Leaving myself with no TV at all. No local news at 5am. No up-to-the-minute weather reports. No Presidential speeches. No educational stations. No new episodes of Law and Order or CSI. No anything. Why do I always feel it is all or nothing?
It seems the only way I can conquer anxiety is to remove all of its sources. Instead of all the techniques that might work, like slowly exposing myself to fearful elements over time, I put myself in the same room with them and the door is locked from the inside. I could get out. I could turn the deadbolt and step outside for some fresh air. But I feel like I'm paralyzed.