Twice in my life (only twice, thank God) I have had a mixed state of something approaching full-blown mania while also experiencing major depression. It's not something I ever want to repeat. I used to think that the hypomanic state was something I wanted: that expansive I'm-God's-gift-to-the-world feeling. But underlying it was always a kind of 3-ring circus going on in my head with someone else, some unseen Master of Ceremonies, leading the high-wire act and the trumpeting elephants into the center ring. It was only after I achieved some distance from these episodes that I was able to see how destructive they were. And I never seemed to be able to get all of this across to the doctors or therapists without losing them entirely.
But I do have a friend who is in constant manic/depressive flux, either crying all day or out spending her Social Security check as fast as possible. It is a miserable life. And she's been on mood stabilizers and tranquilizers and other psychotropic drugs for 30 years. They just don't do the trick. I'm a lucky one. After trying many meds over several years, I found one that worked. And then my weight doubled and I slept constantly. Also miserable, but a way of life that at least eventually led me along the path to recovery.
Along with depressions, all I have ever known are dysphoric/mixed episodes. The mind is in a frenzied dark place where the thoughts can't be reined in. I would look at people and want to go for their throats. And that scream inside the head would not go away. To add to the hell, the psychosis was 10-fold what it was while depressed. I was CERTAIN people were plotting against me, so much so I could hear their scheming as if they were standing right next to me though they were several offices away. The voices would let up. It took almost two decades to realize what they were. Everyone talks about the euphoric state, few, like you, talk about the hell that often goes on. Keep up setting the record straight.
Well, I found your article John, and I agree completely with one proviso, the diagonostic powers that be have hypomania wrong too. I have BP2 and yes, sometimes hypomania expresses itself in a bit extra in the creative flow and time management areas for me. More often tho it makes me very quick to anger and I also have problems trying for patience after explaining the same thing over and over and over when it seems obvious to me. I also feel like I am about to fly off the planet and I HATE that feeling. My anxiety level (always a problem) generally rachets up a notch or two. Sometimes I "rapid cycle" between dysphoria and euphoria. And because I don't loose contact with "reality" I always know that depression waits on the other end.
My talk therapist says her BP1 patients get manic and buy a Cadillac, I get hypomanic and maybe buy one doll too many for my collection. The consequences of mania are more serious, but I honestly think the emotional impact of either state is downright lousy.
Oh---and the pdocs don't know what to do with us dyphoric hypomanics either and we can have antidepressants either---and they worry about ''what if this time she flips into full blown mania?" Sometimes I do too.
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I have these episodes that you've recounted here quite often
I also have the "high mixed" for which I call "mixers"
so, no, my "manias" or high "hypomanias" are so far less than "happy"
but because I can't state that I am "happy" or full of grandeur and feeling that I am wonderful and glorious to the professionals... quite a few argue that I can't possibly have Bipolar... to have Bipolar, you must have symptoms of euphoria - of grandeur - of feeling invincible
I also have excruciating blackened depressions that literally feel as though my spirit, my soul have both been sucked violently out of me.
and then somewhere... in between... I have perhaps 1 or 2 weeks where the colors of life are vibrant, i feel cool fresh air fill my nostrils, and my sleep is somewhat sound and solid
I get, maybe, that 1 or possibly 2 weeks of respite... every so often
sad really
even sadder that the professionals do not seem to understand