Very interesting this topic... and I believed I was the only one like this.... I haven't been diagnosised very long myself....
I have such a dark side but it has been lighter since I started going to church.... I feel things so much more deeper than most, and have been looked down upon for many years..
I have less impose control than most and say some things that are not always helpful in a sitiution....sadly this makes me a loner and nothing like that is very helpful which feeds the dark side...my dark side is like a veil of saddness that I can peep out of for periods of time but always waiting for me...
.I have never shared this with anyone cause no one understands.... but I have hope that someone will here........good topic...
no.. I used to not disclose to the med psych pros that be my very "dark" side... so fearful they'd think me crazy and lock me away
still do... cause sometimes that "dark" side is even too dark for my likening
this is the thing though, that many in the psych world seem not to get
hypomania and mania aren't always "feel good", euphoria, grandiose, or a trip on the wild glorious side.. not for many many of us
and it's because of this that many of us do not get properly or correctly diagnosed within the bipolar spectrum... too many in the psych world are still in their heads that with mania comes euphoria, granduer, grandiose, the glorious ride that is so not real
often times, for many, it's sheer unadulterated non censored hell
at a speeding rate
with full frontal impact imminent
against a solid block.. with often times, little to no braking or slowing of approach
it's a horrible feeling to know somewhere something is so wrong but you can't quite put your palm on it and yet you also can't just make it stop on a head of a dime... not really and worse yet... most of the time there is literally not a cause for it.... not a single reason, rhyme, or trigger that one can name
and even with all the chemicals coursing through one's system and altering one's brain... you can still have some measure of it
and there not be one reason, rhyme, or trigger than one can name
it's a horrendous feeling most would not wish on their deepest enemies
I wouldn't
There's a log on problem, so I'm going to write "TEST" before
I type it out and get nuts because it didn't work. STRESS
exacerbates bipolars more than others as you all probably
know.
I suppose I can call myself a rapid cycler and a super sentive person
because I've been unable to observe "cycles" or periods of time
where I'm high or low. My situation was constant turmoil that
waxed and waned for decades AND numerous diagnoses -- not sure
whether than was because my docs weren't very astute or because
I was (note past tense) an unusually difficult patient to diagnose.
I have alot of artwork (sketches) that I felt "forced" to do because I
couldn't verbalize my feelings so art was the only way I could express
myself. Most of it is VERY dark. I only did one piece of poetic prose
and it was so dark that when it was published in the university's news-
paper I sent it home and the response I got was, "Are you ill?"
After decades of trials of medications I may finally be on the right track.
It seems as if my tornado laced hurricane environment and the inner
tornado-hurricane inside my brain (and soul) has eased with the new
medication (and dose). I'm hoping this isn't a fluke (or simply a break
from the horrendous pain) from some sort of rapid-cycling, over-reactive,
super-sensitive anguished life I've lead.
I'd write more but I'd rather not give too many details so that I can
remain anonymous, but I wanted to let BP folks know that it may
take what seems like FOREVER, things do get better. I'm now on
only ONE med (no cocktails of medication at this point) - Lamictal.
The trick is simple: Don't give up!
I believe that many doctors misdiagnose dysphoric hypomanic states as depression. I think this has been done to me oh so many times - I get into one of these states and I am prescribed an antidepressant. Then I get euphoric hypomania and I am considered as "stable" then the antidepressant would push me through the safety barrier into full blown mania and then i'd be taken off the antidepressant - this cycle went on for about 8 years after the birth of my child and my first real major depression (that I can recall). I no longer take antidepressants at all thanks to a good doctor who saw things for what they were. But how many others get treated as "depressed" when they are actually going the other way? Dunno but I can imagine that this might happen more than we think. For years I even mistook that state for depression - not any more.
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Universe
Oh it's all packed in so tight dare I take a word
And place is on the page is this what caused the Big Bang that
Magnificent explosion that formed the universe was it just
Another woman loosening her heart to share its gifts and griefs
Shall I risk becoming mother of yet another universe...is this our
God this woman still pounding out the words on a standard
Keyboard...synonyms antonyms cataclysms joys is she
Careless with her punctuation...does she turn the light
Out late and go to bed...does she inebriate and watch TV
Instead...and shall I do the same
Still this cardboard box that holds my all-in-all is
Ragged at the corners where I've dragged it to the holy crown
And down into Gethsemane and further still a man-made hell
'Abandon hope
All ye
Who enter here' I guess there is a downward trend the devil's
Always here I just can't say the same for god...hence
The packaging tape...the label for return...will the words
I choose from this box my best...most eloquent...obscene
And biologically disordered will they spin a modest universe
For one?