while inpatient, under heavy medication
my brain wattage goes from 80 watts down to 10 watts
and unfortunately, that seems to be the way the docs would love to keep me
at 10 watts
cause if I "choose" to increase my wattage... they look at me as non-compliant
and threaten me with major relapse
and then I am not the proper patient who follows doctor's orders
and yet, I do not wish to live the remainder of my life working only on 10 watts or less
asleep for much of my lifetime
and causing dysfunction in my daily living
that is what the damn mental illness does
why add to the level of dysfunctioning?
oh yeah... to cause me to be uhm... disabled?
so... I struggle and fight with the horrendous symptoms to try and not have to take the medication that doesn't take me or the medication that causes my brain wattage to "brown" out
just so that I might could be disabled enough to not know how I feel from day to day but just enough to know that I can't handle life each day cause I can't get above 10 watts to function
and all along... I'm not feeling any better than I did the day before or the day before that
cause it's not about feeling better... it's about not feeling at all, right?
so many people I've come to know over the years, who have bipolar, who take copious amounts of bags of pills and yet not a one "feels" better
they swear, they fight, they defend their meds to their last breath of the day
but they all have anxiety, all depressed from time to time, and no one can sleep without their sleep drugs and if they happen to feel some energy... a thought might enter that isn't negative... they become frightened that they are going manic... and instantly run to take additional Seroquel
why? cause their psychiatrist's tell them they have to... they'll relapse and be worse off if they ever reduce their meds or totally go off them for any length of time
case in point for example: a friend who works outside the home, as I do... couldn't get to sleep one night. She didn't want to take any sleep meds (ie., Seroquel) because it made her groggy and half witted (her words) throughout the day and she needed to get to work and well.. work. Yet, at about 10pm one evening a few evening's ago... she just couldn't get to sleep.
So, she got up and decided to do a chore or 2 that had been being put off. One of the things the "pros" tell you to do when you just lie there and can't sleep.
Only, she said that at about 11pm.. she still couldn't drift off and she knew that if she didn't get a minimum of 7 hours.. she'd be so miserable feeling the following day. Even her husband came looking for her and reminded her that her moods would be so off if she didn't come on to bed.
So, at 11:30pm ish... she said she couldn't help it any longer... she ran and took her dose of Seroquel just to get to sleep. Knowing that the next day - sure enough - she was hungover and sleepy all throughout the day and she could barely think much less keep her eyes open - and she had to work.
I have many nights like this... brain just will not shut itself off. It will not wind down. It's not so much I have increased energy... I just can't get my mind to shut down or wind down.
I can be agitated or irritated or anxiety ridden over something going on at work, or with a relative, or here at home (ie., home repair, etc.) and as soon as everything gets quiet here in the house... the mind ramps up and starts spinning. Just last night I didn't go to bed until after midnight and the night before - 1am.
Yet, I don't run to the cabinet and down a Anti-Psychotic or a sleep aid. I likely should cause yesterday I was a rageful highly prickly bitch, if I say so myself... but, I don't.
It is actually normal, to have periods of time, where one can't sleep or sleep soundly. It is actually normal... course nothing is allowed to be normal when you have a mood disorder.
Yet, if I were to take a daily heavy hitter to knock me on my back to sleep 9-10 hours... they always always always always leave me lethargic, semi-comatose, vegatated, twitching, and barely "awake" throughout the following days. When you are raising a family, caring for your home, AND having to work outside the home full time... in a complex type job... it's damn near impossible to function when your brain is just barely sparking.
You tell the psychiatrist or your prescribing doc and they just shrug, nod, and remind you of why they prescribed it to you in the first place... to help you "feel" better. If you don't take the med, then you are non-compliant and a waste of their time. It doesn't matter to them if your brain is barely operable... they've medicated you for your symptom(s)... but the tradeoff is sometimes too much.
The rageful bitch lasts a few hours... then you shift into something more tolerable & you aren't twitching with your lips repeatedly puckering like you are wanting to kiss everyone you meet. The barely operating brain is 24 until the next dose.
If I had 24/7 hallucinations and delusions... I'd say "yeah Baby give me all the APs you can give me" and it wouldn't matter if my brain barely sparked. Yet, I don't have the 24/7 hallucinations and delusions... they are sporadic, random, and even when I have them.. I know they aren't real (disturbing yes, real no).
Just me and my version of Bipolar living with me (not me living with Bipolar - that would sound like I had a choice and chose).
I must be the luckiest person with bipolar disorder because my doctor has me on a low low dose of Abilify and reduced my dose of clonazepam when I complained about side effects. He takes my word for it that even though I have suicidial ideation that I am not going to act on these compulsive thoughts. We tackle a lot of my symptoms through talk therapy, and he sees me every three to four weeks. Abilify reduces mood symptoms without making me gain weight or turning down my brain wattage. I have tackled my anxiety problems with cognitive behavioral therapy with some moderate success, and I have delved into my bpolar childhood with a bipolar mother. However, I had previous bad experiences with Lithium and with Lamictal, which made me feel great but gave me the Rash. Lithium made me feel so terrible that I didn't want to try Abilify, but finally I did, and I am so glad.
I completely agree that the reason people skip their meds is how bad they can make us feel. I miss the euphoric highs of my youth, but not the dysphoric manias and mixed moods I experience now. The low dose of Abilify actually allows me to feel my moods and recognize when I am slipping into a state. Then, I can increase my dose a bit. My doctor always listens to me and my state of mind and allows me an unusual degree of freedom in adjusting my dosages. have also had to make many lifestyle changes, including stopping workng outside the home. I still have a lot of problems, but I am lucky to have such a great doctor. I wish there were more like him for others.
There is no doubt I needed an antipsycotic to get stable me during a serious manic espisode with psychotic features. that put me in the hospital. Sent me home with now taking Ablify.
This was in 2004. Now 2010 I started to have side effects jaw movement so the med provider had me stop it. As a replacement she offered Seraquel which I refused and Saphrin. I chose Saphrin. Bad side effect problems breathing...I have COPD and also Edema so had to stop that.
She indicated she will have to take a moment to check into my options. Next visit she told me I don't need anything to replace Abilify. She feels it is only needed if I get manic or depressed to an extreme.
My question Why did she keep me on it for so long? Should I consider changing med providers. Has me concerned now.
I was on Abilify for about 10 years (25-30 mg daily) & it helped me get out of paranoia & delusional thinking (thinking my husband WANTED me to kill myself or he was planning to poison me & was "plotting" against me). After doing DBT & indiv. therapy for about 3 mos. I started to be able to change my cognitive distortions w/skills learned there.
I talked to my provider about getting off Abilify & she agreed as she saw such an improvement in me w/the DBT. I agreed if the symptoms returned I would be willing to go back on Abilify.
I think many providers keep patients on medication to prevent relapse, but if you have a collaborative relationship w/your provider you should be able to discuss all your options. An important thing is to be able to recongize the beginning of symptoms & triggers so you can "attack" any mood dysregulation before it escalates into a full-blown relapse. Your provider needs to know you well & your life, as well. My provider spends a lot of time asking about not only sleep, but my schedule, my enjoyment of my life, my relationships, my thoughts & feelings about myself, etc.
I have the desire to get off or decrease my dosages of medications as much as possible. So off Abilify for a couple years now & decreased Lamictal from 300 mg to 150 mg daily (hope eventually to get off it as I'm getting "elderly"--57 yrs. old).
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I like what you said about doctors looking to the past while we, the consumers, look to the future. So that while it may be acceptable to be a "fat zombie eunuch" for a short period of time, maybe a few weeks for some, it is certainly not acceptable to "look forward" to a life as such. Sustained zombie-ism is only for the undead. And while I may indeed feel like the corporeal zombie to reach a stage of stabilization, there is no way I will ever be happy with a medicaiton that keeps me in that condition. That's why I used to frequently go off the Zyprexa for as long a period as possible. It was not because I enjoyed relapse, but because I couldn't stand the side effects of the med. And now, I need to take more Saphris because of insomnia and agitation, yet I can't because it would mean The Return of the Zombie. So at times I float in that no-man's land between desperate, and desperate enough to take extra meds. A shame it's that way.