I have learned to be supremely patient with people. At times I'm sure I learned to 'hide' and wait things out because it was easier to not rock the boat or make waves with my bipolar mother and major depressive alcoholic dad. I found out that if I stayed the 'good girl' it would serve me very well. I found out it was a wonderful coping mechanism especially once I found my voice and used that skill in an appropriate manner that was no longer self-damaging.
I did used to fly off the handle with my husband and kids occasionally but put myself in 'time-out' when I felt I was really losing control. I could debate and argue with the best in certain situations. When hypomanic, I am invincible and can work a room like no other...that is not the real me.
Since I now know that I have bipolar 2 disorder, I know to monitor what stimuli I let into my realm. Yes, there are times that I'm caught off guard and since I am a highly sensitive person, I can absorb the emotions in the room. It mostly happens when I'm overly tired or have had a more stress filled day or week that my protective bubble is weak.
Through the course of this year, in learning my boundaries between self and others as well as practicing really good self care, I am able to be 'out there' amongst the 'normal' people on a much more frequent basis. My husband and good friends know that when I say it's time to go...I'm getting overstimulated...they listen and comply.
I am told by many, many people that I am one of the most patient people they know. That I am a rock. That I don't crack under pressure. They don't know how hard sometimes it is to keep it all together or the times that I get home and am unable to function for a couple days. That scenario doesn't happen much anymore because I know my limits.
It's amazing to me that too many people, excessive noise, flashing or flourescent lights, too much 'fun'...overstimulation has the effect on me that too much alcohol used to...hung over feeling. I guess my brain can't take it all in and process it. And you know what? That's ok.
I do love my solitude. But my love of people doesn't allow me to stay inside myself for too long.
Due to the bipolar, I can take words very personally from those that I love of have a good relationship with. I can drop to the depths in a minute or two. That still baffles my husband but I tell him it's the bipolar. He's learning not to engage with me in any major conversation when I am like that because my brain doesn't process words appropriately...there is way to much imagined meaning behind them and we end up saying nasty things. It's better to wait until my brain stops the irrationality and swirling...then we can have a productive conversation. I really don't like when there is conflict or drama between people, but I am getting better about not taking it in as my own and deflecting it away. I am very thankful that I continue to hone my good coping skills.
For some reason, I feel far better about keeping my cool than losing it. I guess because I like feeling "in control" than "out of control." And anger seems "out of control." It takes an act of the will to maintain calm and an abdication of will to boil over. Nevertheless, there have been times I SHOULD have lost control over injustices and didn't. Times where I let myself be runover by someone else's strong personality and others seeking to sustain their rule-by-might rather than by-right. All in all, though, I think "keeping your head while those about you lose theirs" is the best way. Mediation, problem-solving skills, reasoning, usually require a great deal of self-control and anger management. For some reason, I feel morally superior when I refuse to lose my temper.
Oh I don't know, I think we all have our moments of well, just loosing it. My boss can't self soothe so he's constantly blowing up because for him that's how he gets rid of the truly toxic energy that has built up. Hotel work is truly stressful. A co worker blew up at me for absolutley no reason except that she misread a reservation and thought the name change on the res was my fault but in actuality the reservation didin't really exist. My boss "did not know what was wrong with her lately" I don't think that were suppose to be normal or abnormal. We have challanges that other people do not have. They have challanges that we know nothing about or know something about but don't know how it's experienced. (My boss is ADHD) . I use to take T's blowing up at me personally now I don't so when R blows I just avoid her. When P blows up at me I just give it right back to him. Sometime's I keep my cool sometimes I don't. My biggest trigger is computers that fail to function or headquarters turning off their fax to save 3 cents, not people.
I believe that it is an equal struggle when one person in a relationship has bipolar disorder. It clearly has effected my family in this way. check out my new blog for more info.
www.mybeautifulbipolarwife.blogspot.com
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I think you will find this will happen more and more often at times progress....there have been a number of political issues boiling without being adequetely addressed for a significant period of time. rather they are simply renaming and addressing problems with spin rather than real solutions. and this attitude while our population increases compounds these problems and causes complications in households and work environments. it is strange isn't it how the political without us even realising it can actually over time become quite personal.....
governments are unstable everywhere....they barely maintain from election to election the massive swings of the past are no longer seen and minority governments are being formed through negotiations coalitions and back door deals....no one really has power any more....really the western world is not as far from the revolutions of the middle east as one would hope....and while you may think me utterly nuts to make such statements it is in fact a very real minority. the only reason no more than a spattering of riots have erupted in recent years is because we elected our own governments and so share some of the responsibility of the mess we now find ourselves in......dictators are another matter....they too must deal with the uncertain financial and political climate....and their mistakes are pointed firmly at them for they were not elected by the people and it is a great deal easier for them to lose support of the people....
our saving grace to a limited extent is that most of us grit our teeth and declare...just wait til the next election....lamenting the fact that we all know the alternative will be no better....for as literacy falls and standards drop in our schools we are not adequetely training our leaders.....
traditionally we were allowed means of expressing our anger and frustration which were socially acceptable....today simply being angry and frustrated is unacceptable without any socially acceptable means of expression....one could say art...but really how much can you express with art....sports? besides the exhorbitant cost of participating in sports today due to club and court fee's for sports which the health and safety brigade have turned into swatting with candy floss....what else have we left?
people are emotional it is the nature of the human condition. today psychology has turned the world into a massive social engineering experiment of denial of the human condition in favour of an Ideal that the human race are simply not built for......hence our current political climate....and hence today emotional expression is socially unacceptable.....is it that you have greater control or is it that you have not only mastered your condition but gone further than that and fallen into the psychologist trap of becoming a perfect example of their goal......
people are supposed to feel and express it is normal and natural.....cool as a cucumber is neither normal nor natural it in fact goes against everything the human condition is.
Usually when people are sad, they don't do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change.
James Russell Lowell
There was never an angry man that thought his anger unjust.
Saint Francis de Sales
There never was a social change in America without angry people at the heart.
Keith Mille
r
A hungry man is an angry one.
Buchi Emecheta
A large part of mankind is angry not with the sins, but with the sinners.
Lucius Annaeus Seneca
A man that does not know how to be angry does not know how to be good.
Henry Ward Beecher
Civilization began the first time an angry person cast a word instead of a rock.
Sigmund Freud
Do something that makes a difference - because, by God, there's a lot to make you angry.
Neil Kinnock
it was ONLY WORDS! when did expressing yourself with words become unacceptible in society! if they had taken up a club with which to express their anger THEN it would have been an overreaction!
no offence intended, but if you are not angered by any issues including the state of mental health care then god help us!
Margaret,
It takes all kinds of people to make a world or civilization. I am glad that there are people that are so passionate about many, many things. I don't believe that a person has to become out of control in order with anger or insults to show their passion. I am extremely passionate about ending the stigma of mental illness around me. I choose to confront the stigma through education in my corner of the world. Some are meant to be on a world-wide stage; others perform on a small local stage. Both are appropriate and effective.
God bless your passionate pursuits.
he actually didn't say they were out of control, nor did he even imply it. it is possible to be angry and retain quite a significant control on ones function. do you need a dictionary? it may make things clearer for you
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/angry hm yep just as I thought nothing even remotely related to control or lack there of....
BTW the whole point is Emotions and feeling them is completely NORMAL, you have not gained control of bipolar if in order to do so you do not function emotionally.
he even compares himself to people who were furious yet actually remained in their seats and did not act out....yet thinks he is the better person for lacking an emotional response.....
please again tell me that no emotional response is the cure for a disorder which causes extremes of emotion's when such is inappropriate and comparing that to a room full of people who all responded to whatever occured with anger, expressed or not expressed in various ways but they are less a person because they FELT angry.
the fact that people in the room responded with anger to what happened says that PERHAPS in discussing this scenario he should have mentioned that had occured for people to become angry, but he hasn't which indicates that he finds emotions themselves inappropriate.....emotions and emotional responses are NORMAL AND HEALTHY. the people he compares himself too were angry but in fact did not go beyond societal norm's. and yet he points the finger at them for being NORMAL!.......
how do you not see what is wrong with this picture......
perhaps there is still a great deal more work to be done by John so that he can understand that normal has context and emotions are supposed to have context, and the reason bipolar disorder is a disorder is because it produces emotional responses without context.
John asked for our experiences in keeping cool. What do we do to maintain our own sense of reason when others are out of control? Does it tax our brain? What ways of coping do we have?
So many times I realize that the other person is acting crazy by their actions even though by virtue of my brain illness that other person would sometimes call me crazy even when I am not acting it out. For me, what is going on inside my head...the swirling, irrational thoughts and beliefs...is what is part of my bipolar episodes. I turn on myself rather than act out on others.
I do not dispute the fact that we have to FEEL our emotions. It's unhealthy NOT to do so. I was an expert at stuffing...thinking that if I stayed positive and put on a front of happy no-matter-what...really a pollyanna way of thinking...removing the so called negative feelings of hurt, anger, disappointment, rage, frustration, sadness, grief, etc from my way of thinking and being, it would show that I was 'healthier'. NOT.
What I have learned through the practice of mindfulness and using some techniques through the reading of buddhist writers like Thich Nhat Hanh and doing some heavy duty work with my therapist is to recognize and acknowledge ALL feelings. To care for them, not stuff them, and then let them go. It takes lots of practice...and lots of thought.
For example, if we hurt our hand, we don't say, "what a bad hand, I'm not going to use you." We take care of our hand, nurture it, wrap it up if needed, 'baby' it in a way, gently work with it until it is healed and not hurting anymore. So it is with emotions. We don't tell ourselves that we are bad for having a 'negative' emotion. We must recognize the feelings and nurture ourselves. If we repay hurt for hurt (ie eye for an eye) who is that helping? It just perpetuates the cycle of violence. Peace begins within ourselves.
Feelings are feelings; they are neither right nor wrong. The wrong comes when a person ACTS on their feelings in a way that damages either self or others.
Thank you John for your continued thought provoking questions of the week. I appreciate you and all you do to help us live with our bipolar diagnosis.
actually he didn't he asked if you have encountered situations where other's felt angry while you did not. read the post properly, he even expressly included situations where other's actually keep their cool while feeling anger
the attitude he presents actually with his post implying that he is above and beyond emotional influence entirely with his hold on his bipolar actually indicates hypomania or mania more than any actual control of it in fact.
Ohhhh im so right, read todays post