Sunday, September 25, 2011
Must We Sacrifice Our Super-powers in the Pursuit of Stability?
This is the sixth post dealing with how our ability to think and process information relates to mood. The first four posts focussed on all the things that commonly go wrong that we need to know. Last week, in Making our Amazing ...
Interesting post, John. I really struggled with this issue when deciding whether or not to take an antipsychotic. I had this fear that it would take away the me I knew, the hyper-creative me. I kind of liked the word-association games that went on in my head and the constant brainstorming that blasted in my head louder than anything else. I was afraid it would sterilize me, creatively. And in a way, I was right. My work now looks very mudane and polished. I can copy a photograph extremely well with paint and canvas. I remember when I used to be able to sit down at midnight and start a project and have it finished 5-6 hours later and it would be full of innovation, incongrouous images and color, and fascinating to look at. Even if I couldn't understand it and neither could anyone else. Every project outshone the last (in my racing mind). But then, I battled for 7 years over whether to take the meds that would put me back in the mold and force me into a normal shape and function. It all got to crazy, though, and I started being hospitalized too often, and I was definitely out of control. I finally started taking the meds about 2002 and I still sometimes feel like something less than I used to be. My brain has been tamed. I don't know that I would want to get back on that revolving hamster wheel again, but I do miss it.
Hey, Donna. I definitely benefit from having a quieter brain than the one I used to have. It still runs harder and faster than I want it to at times, but I view this as a fair trade-off for thinking with a clear head and being in touch with my emotions. The point of recovery is not to lead a mistake-free life and in the long run our meds shouldn't be protecting us against the things in life that we need to learn to cope with. I certainly don't want my brain to be spinning like it used to. But I don't want to be "normal" either. I think this is the whole point - "we" need to figure our where we want to be, not our psychiatrists. Their job is to listen to us and help us get where we want to be. Someone needs to tell them that.
I feel that I have given up my super powers. I was a college athlete--a bike racer. I was flying high the whole time and doing very well. I had a lot of friends and I was a heartbreaker. I was good looking and in perfect shape and I was treated very well because of it. In college, I could skip classes if I needed to and it was no big deal. It was always easy to catch up and my professors were understanding. If I flew off the handle, my friends and boyfriends would always forgive me. When I became psychotic, I was forgiven after the episode was over. When I was stable, I was the best friend and girlfriend ever, so the people I hung out with could live with the harder times.
Now that I am medicated, I am more reliable. I have gained a lot of weight. I am treated differently because of the way that I look. I am no longer an athlete, but just someone who goes to the gym and takes walks and casual bike rides in an effort to simply attain a modicum of physical fitness. Sometimes I miss myself. I have changed in order to be easier to deal with, and I feel that I have given up a lot of power. Who knows where I would be now without treatment? Thinking about the worst case scenarios motivates me to be compliant, but I can't help wondering if I might be better off. I hope I have chosen the right path. Maybe when better treatments become available, people will not have to make this huge tradeoff.