I have to say that I know my strengths...knowing that I have more compassion and empathy as well as a heightened sense of awareness because I have bipolar explained a lot to me as to the question of why I am the way I am. I consider it a great gift.
Sure, I had to go through the normal questioning of why bipolar versus something else...but God has always shown me the reason...eventually I've come to accept who I am. I've learned to take care of myself and listen to my soul. I'm better at having the grace to feed myself what I need. When I'm meeting my own needs, I can extend the grace to others and allow them to be who they are, thus keeping my relationships healthy.
Now there are days of course when I'm overwhelmed and can't see past the end of my nose and I turn inward. I have to remember to be as kind and accepting of myself as I am to others that are hurting.
My relationships with others have been wonderful for the most part throughout my life. My husband has been the one to see me at my worst and though he doesn't always understand or have the compassion that I would like him to have, he gets it and responds well most of the time.We have traversed the stormy seas of life with it's crashing waves and dark skies. We have come out the other side to the sunshine and blue, placid water. We've been together over 30 years.
It's always a journey. What we think we are can be accepted or even changed with care and compassion. So much is in the attitude towards self. If we think we can't do thus and such because we are sick rather than believing we need more care and it's ok, we feed ourselves negativity. I know, I do it too at times. It's kind of a self-fullfilling prophesy. We become what we think.
I'm striving to not cling to the attitude that it's because I'm sick or have bipolar that I can't always be or do what I want. I've lowered my expectations and have decided that I have to be healthy for me first. Once I take care of me, I have more to give to others. If it's because of a diagnosis of bipolar to get me to this way of thinking then I am accepting and embracing it.
Wow - This is my first comment, so I'm searching for the right words. I am 45 and was diagnosed at age 23.
I have searched to find others who have accepted this illness and are committed to doing whatever it takes to remain stable.
How refreshing to know that you understand how it feels to work with medical professionals who really think we enjoy mania when it scares me to death.
I know my triggers even though many professionals don't think anything can cause me to become manic - it will just happen. I KNOW that church and bible reading gets me going and before long, I will be quoting scripture and making plans for starting my ministry from home. Then the hospital - then the crash. I know this - one doctor smiled and said - go to church.
My psychiatrist of 5 years has just left the area and I am scared but determined to not settle for his replacement who told me that anxiety and panic are all in my head.
Medicine is calling, I've gone past my time limit and just finding this site and writing this post brings the questions to mind - am I too happy, on and on. How wonderful that I don't have to explain all of those thoughts - you get this.
Thank you so much. Ann
Thank you
I so agreed with the last part of your post in which you point out that our suffering makes us more empathetic to the suffering of others and as a result we tend to be the ones who nurture and try to heal. My concern is that I have been married for 15 months, in those months have experience some real trials in my work place and have been hit hard by some family issues, and I worry that my husband is going to grow weary of the constant ups and downs..mainly downs of my moods. I worry that I am going to drag him down, and I try to hide how I am feeling. I have been going to therapy every week for 2 months now so that he can see that I am really trying to work through things. He tells me not to worry, that he loves me, and he wants me to be honest about how I am feeling, but when I look at myself from my own point of view, I get impatient and tired of myself, and I have trouble believing that he is not feelling the same way.
Dear Two,
I have been married to the same man for over 40 years. He has seen me from the very beginning when it was PMS through the stage where it was for real depression to figuring out that I'm bi-polar. Believe me, in all those years, I have put him through the ringer quite a few times but he is still there - HE IS MY ROCK. He sees me through because he loves me. In recent months, I have come to realize that complete communication works SO much better than me suffering silently. If you suffer in silence, he will still know that you are not in a good place but he won't know if it is because of something he did. At least in my case, there were times when it WAS his fault and also times when I blamed him unfairly. Hope this makes sense...
It is just NOW 28 years for us! I KNEW I was bipolar 12 years before the doctors agreed with me. I have been up and down, over and out through the long years... My lover placed ALL my bipolar meds equal to food on the budget, When we moved with the economy! My Lover hasn't always been there, but I do tend to hide it etc. He tries to understand me and my ups and down with this bipolar. My TEAM, is my doc, my husband, a friend. and Precious my Service Dog who tells me when my Bipolar is in flux. With my team, and this site, I am better equipted to live my life as a Bipolar. I do my part with suggestions from my team. When I think I am a burden, I just know my team carries me. It isn't always easy but I have shown my team perseverence and faith visa versa. When I do get down, I know I can pray with other friends. Because of my chronic back I have a tendency for beeing cooped up and 'no loves me! attitude!
Nurz
John,
Thank you so much for your post on Loving Relationships - What We Bring to the Table! God knows, I needed to read that today!
I encountered a quote last week by Elizabeth Kubler Ross that I'd like to share on this forum. I think it speaks eloquently to the point you made in this article - that many of us who suffer from mental illness are extraordinarly empathic and sensitive to the needs of others. Thank you for reminding all of us that having a broken brain is in no way a death sentence and that we still have much to contribute on this earth!
Cindy Cates
Here's the quote:
"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. Those people have an appreciation - a sensitivity and an understanding of life - that fills them with compassion, gentleness and deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen!" - Elizabeth Kubler Ross
John,
I was one of those who did reach the "other side" and found that spiritual awakening. I had been bipolar since age 13 or so. When diagnosed and treated at 54...I found the real me again...but better, deeper, more logical and with a true sense of rebirth. While I might not be a bowl of cherries to live with, one thing for sure, I am accutely attuned to the problems in relationships. I am far more aware of the things that are relationship enders and of the games people play. I have little tolerance for games and people who rub my anxiety the wrong way. While we truly have responsibility for our relationships...it is incumbent on those who want to live with us to become informed and learn that everything is not about THEM. Sometimes we just want to be alone....really alone and take time to find ourselves again. Some mates cannot handle it...which is totally understandable. Just don't expect things to change. We have come a long long way (some of us) so we deserve a break. We are different....many times that very thing is what attracted you to us.
I too am married to someone who suffers from Bipolar disorder. We have been married for 13 years and couldn't be happier. (People still ask if we are newlyweds) Yes, there are ups and downs, but what marriage doesn't have trials? I do not feel burdened in any way nor worn down. We talk about everything and I think we are closer now, since finding out about the illness in 2003. I am happy that my husband feels comfortable sharing his feelings with me and he knows that he's not alone.
Isn't it something when you try to tell someone that your child has a disability, which is learning and Bipolar and when you tell the police they don't want to listen all they say is if he can say yes, no or understand that is all that matters. My son was missed diagnosed with ADHD, ODD and Depression with learning disability. Everyone wanted to be friends just to set him up with the law as a fall guy. The ones that should of been arrest was never arrested. They are still doing to him as of now. What happened to the American Disability Act?
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"...Nassir Ghaemi in his recently released “A First Rate Madness” endorses what a lot of us already know - that our personal suffering makes us far more sensitive to the needs of others. We are attuned. We are accepting. We reach out. We respond with compassion.
Crazy thing, we the “crazy” are natural healers and nurturers. Often, our own self-stigma prevents us from seeing this. We tend to over-ruminate on our failings, downplay what makes us special to others, and take ourselves out of the relationship game.
Why do we do this to ourselves? We who have so much to offer... "
I have a childhood friend named Tim. I have known him for near 35 years.
I have not "seen" him nor talked with him for much of the last 20, of those 35 years. He, having dropped out of school, in our 9th grade due to illness.
Yet, we have shared letters and a occasional phone call or unexpected visit.. for nearly 35 years. Because of this, his friendship is one of which I absolutely treasure beyond measure. He is truly and quite literally, my 1 true friend for not being "there" all these years.
Recently... he sent me a 4 page letter and we then got up, over a period of a month, and had supper out a few times. We've even shared a few emails and he met my daughter. Since, again... no word, no call, no email... quiet.
During the time when we were communicating and catching up I kept finding myself wanting it to stop, to return to what it once was. The reason? Because I didn't feel I was good enough or that, more specifically... he didn't deserve to have me and my craziness so in his life.
I knew, in my head anyway, that if he actually got to really know me and walked with me through my mental illness... he'd hate me or not understand or disappear in the night, so to speak, like so many other "friends" over the years. I just could not risk that.
I would lay awake, at night, and cry sadly in fear that I'd lose my 1 true and only friend. His friendship that special that I fear to risk he really getting to know "me".
It was because I love him and would not want to hurt him, not physically but to not be who he might have wanted or to be a friendship he would not necessarily "sign up for" engaging in... so, I withdrew.
I've not seen or heard or received a email from him in nearly a month.
It's best that way. I have protected him from me and in doing so, I have protected my heart from what would've been his disappearing act... like so many over the years. Just couldn't. Just can't anymore.
I'm a good person and a loving person and I care deeply for people. People just do not, in return, and whereas I'm willing to go through the drama, the stress, the chaos of their lives with them... and put up with their mistreatment of me (like I did with my ex husband and his abuse for 20 years)... so many just run and bail out on me, when things grow dark or topsy turvy.
Hey, Tabby. What you say here sounds like a new post in the works. Your experience resonated with me and no doubt numerous others I have listened to. In many ways, we have the very qualities that make us the type of companions others dream of having. We listen, we care, we're deep, and so on. Trouble is - we attract the wrong type of companion. They take-take-take. They have little to give - or, they lack the ability to give what we are looking for.
So WE are the ones who wind up feeling spent and emotionally abused. Stay tuned for a full sharepost ...
To know that I am not alone in this experience of losing "friends" though I have seen them through their misery and chaos does indeed help. Thanks for the post.
Hey, Tabby. I've had experiences similar to what you describe, namely we are the listeners, we get involved, we show our concern. They, on the other hand, don't want to know us. We wind up getting used as doormats. We get taken advantage of.
I think this is a real occupational hazard with those who are empathetic and giving. We draw the people close to us who drain us and suck us dry and then leave us. And we seem to fall for it every time.
What can I say? Oh so true! I have been there for a lot of friends etc, , not even my family who kicked me out when I told them. My husband, my Beloved, my Friend, my confident tho when my Bipolar is off@#$%^&*()_##$&*()_+%$^&*watch out because I am cranks, irritable, gritchy and sarcastic! Yes I love deeply but when my BP is wackky I am a TNT! Dynomite!
Barbs