I work at a craft store...so it has been holiday season since the beginning of October. Not surprisingly, this made me accomplish a very unusual goal of being ready for Christmas by December 3rd. Presents bought, tree up, and lights on. Although to all outward appearances I had achieved the ultimate goal, I still felt isolated emotionally from the past Thanksgiving and feel isolated from the current Christmas holiday. It does not help that I share custody of my daughter and therefore have her only for a couple of days each holiday. I keep waiting for the Christmas spirit to hit me. I have forced myself to make cookies and participate in gift exchanges which have resulted in temporary good feelings. I am fairly stable on my meds right now, so I can't ascribe my indifference to a depressive episode. I had a fairly positive childhood experience with the holidays. But I have been on my own since age 18. I never established any holiday traditions and did not carry over any family traditions. Even during my 20 year marriage I did not create any holiday traditions. Perhaps that is why there is a hollow feeling inside me. I have managed to keep isolation at bay, mostly due to a busy work schedule, (in my private time..yes..but I am somewhat of a loner...traditionally, eh?) But I wish I could fully commit to the Christmas holiday. I am Christian. I recently joined a church and have been welcomed with open arms. I am hoping that the ceremony on Christmas Eve will allow me to experience the joy of the season.
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This season I have been riding a rollercoaster. Thanksgiving was no fun, and Xmas, which I have not liked ever since I was a little kid, is driving me crazy. The one thing I did yesterday, which is out of the norm, was downlad some christmas albums, especially ones my mother liked. I have also listened to them as well.
What I would really like to do from November 1 - Decembe 31 (the latter is my birthday) is go to an island where there are white sand beaches, clear warm ocean water and no holidays or holy days. This would be eutopia for me.
Right now I feel like just sleeping for a week, but I do have to do laundry. Once the 25th is over, I will feel like the world is off my chest for another year.