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While I appreciate your blogs about hypomania, as another patient with Bipolar II, I urge you to understand that your experience of hypo is unique to you, and that others may experience a less positive experience of it. The agitation of hypo is not always welcome, nor does it always come accompanied by feelings of well-being. It's actually in my hypos that I feel least like myself and most afraid. Perhaps you said it best when you said that finding one's own base line and sticking to one's best med routine is the thing to do.
I went through a period of 5 mos. of hypomania. I had been stable for 5 years on a combo of meds so I wasn't seeing my pdoc only every 6 mos. The hypomania was triggered when I flew across the country to visit a friend.
I was excited & couldn't sleep the night before I left. Then when I was there for 10 days I slept about 3 hours a night & felt so excited & good & happy & energetic. The hypomania continued when I got home so after about 5 mos. of this (I didn't call my pdoc--I didn't want it to go away plus I didn't know how dangerous it was to let it go on like that), I SUDDENLY crashed one night & overdosed on my meds. A depression came really fast & hard. Luckily my husband found me & took me to the ER.
I'm still reeling from the OD & trying to get my former state of stability back. I see my pdoc every 2 weeks now for an hour. She is doing therapy with me to help me get my self-esteem back & lessen the guilt & fear I feel. Could it happen again?
She has me call her if I go 3 nights without sleeping at least 6 hours & she has put me on some heavy duty sleeping meds to help me.
Love hypomania, but the consequences are too dire to let it go on.
I just read your article on Hypomania. I went to see the doctor just because my Dog was constantly 'on me'. and I had ruled out all other known bipolar reactions for me. By the time I saw him, I was bouncing off the walls! He diagnosed me as Hypomania 3 years ago! It was hell-o! I couldn't even stand myself, let alone my husband! My Dog has since warned me of other episodes, including the one starting now! I listen to her and so does my husband, bracing himself for yet another episode! |Bite the bullet! Each time my husband and I catch it earlier. For me, when my Lithium Levels are imbalanced, within 6 weeks I become Hypomanic! Watching my levels is V|ERY importand to us now!
This time we will need to change the meds because the now 3 have had horrible side effects so far. If I can prevent this malady I will, any way I can!
I was told by Mom, that life is a roller coaster---NOW I believe it!
Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you'be been up er' rather down to!
1 ex- husband 2-daughters 4grandaughters all have manic.
Several friends I've taken to emergency ward and watched/helped get on medication. Why do I end up with these people how do they find me.I fill like a manic magnet. I could write a book of the horrific experiances.Most family and friends of these people call the police I hold my breath and eventually get them to the hospital or dr. but that takes time and several events to figure out whats happening.
It is amusing to live in a world, where, as is evident in this article, Psychiatry has no idea about much of anything concerning Bi-Polar Disorder, yet they have no problem handing Atypical 2nd Generation Anti-Psychotics [which were develped to treat Schizophrenia, in the last 8 years, or less] as frontline treatment for 'pediatric bi-polar'.
It's utterly disgusting.
As an artistic-type, originally diagnosed ADHD, at 15, I have been a guinea pig for the very wel calculated 'cause+effect=need for more serious medication).
For example, Ritalin caused anxiety, that, at 15, I only recognized as bad moods.
I was put on SSRIs which did nothing to help, but did have some undesireable side effects.
By19, I had a full blown panic attack. Not uncommon. But, no discussion was given to the obvious fact that the 'speed' had caused the problem. No, I was given a horrible medication, called Xanex.
Along with Klonipin, Ativan, and Valium,,these 'benzodiazepines' make-up the most physically and mentally addictive drugs EVER known to mankind.
They are not only given out frequently, despite nearly thirty years of very documented knowledge among Doctors that they are highly dangerous,,but they are rarely ever explained by the Doctor.
In America you will not hear about the evil of these drugs. But, go to Great Britain, where drug adverts are not on TV, and socialized medicine feels duped, and you will find a manifesto, ready for Parliament, drafted by two MPs, that goes into great detail the costs to the state, long term of these drugs; the reality that illicit drug users have a 90% rate of co-morbid addiction to benzos, that they score illegally; and, even, the initiative to hold accountable, at every level, the Companies, Regulatory Boards, Politicians, and Doctors for Crimes Against Humanity,,because these drugs, if properly tapered off of, require 6 months, a year, and more, to rid one's system of.
A cold turkey taper is highly dangerous, and often results in seizures, stroke and death.
These meds are very often prescribed to Bi-Polar patients, for anxiety, leading me to propose a very legitimate question; the drugs still reach a level of toxicity, where they begin to cause the very effects they were given to treat. But, the effects are much worse, prolonged, and utter hell on earth.
I was diagnosed Bi-Polar, and the Psychiatrist, who should have recognized immediately that the symptoms I presented him with, were obviously in line with the constant exhaustion, mood disorders, memory impairments, self esteem issues, and depression, associated with toxicity of benzos.
Instead, this individual, Dr. Steven Huk ofKansas City (more than happy to share that name,,he can sue me for the nothing I have,,and then he can meet the A.C.L.U.), TRIPLED my dose of Xanex, and added a mood stabilizer.
I had a Gran Mal seizure in less than a month.
My mind and life fell further apart, and by the time I found the truth, by way of the leading Psychopharmacologist/Neurologist, in the world, in the area of Benzodiazepines, I was about done for.
Thanks to the thousands of individuals at www.benzo.org.uk , I was able to see the truth and realize that I was just very sick. I found a doctor who was appalled by the level of drugs I was on, and has helped facilitate my tapering off, which is halfway complete.
Hypomania, is not dangerous. Hypomania is te ideal self, for those with artistic personalities. It is an enlightenment. I have never been Manic,,but I have seen it.
It is often facilitated by the very drugs given to treat it.
Just as benzos are anti-seizure meds that cause seizures; just as mood-stabilizers/anti-convulsants cause tremors and convulsions, and just as anti-psychotics tamper with speech, horrible tics, Tardive Dyskenesia, and cognitive thought process and memory.
I would not go as far as to say all psychiatry is a farce. I would say that there are a huge percentage of problems that can be solved with the help of an L.C.L.S.W., or a Psychologist. This nation, of conditioned fools, blindly seeking psychiatrists to assist perfectly healthy young people (as young as 2 years old), for conditions that we know not what catalyst induces in a grown person, or if the 'conditions' (aka 'DISEASES') even exist, considering 0 (zero) scientific evidence to prove any of this exists, will surely destroy a generation of helpless, perfectly normal, children.
God have mercy on the souls of these inept, money-hungry, elitists. They will surely answer with their souls.
Well Said.America does not know just how dangerous these little pills of ativan,xanax,valium are.I have been addicted off and on to ativan for 5 years.Thing is I have a dr. who gave me SIX refills.So Naturally when I took an airplane across the country and needed a few ativan,I was able to get 60 tabs and there I went... getting addicted again after being off these poison pills for 6 mos. The website you mentioned made me realize just how dangerous benzos are. My advice to anyone on these pills is to get on a program to taper off these.They cause cognitive impairment,loss of feeling real feelings etc.TERRIBLE MEDS
Thank you for your comment... which brings up the interesting question of "why does mainstream psychiatry even think the "creative person" or "enlightened person" has a "disorder" when they are among the most productive people in the world? Could it be because there is this "spiritual prejudice" as well as misunderstanding of the creative process? After a horrendously arduous and challenging time spent in "involuntary treatment" (which the UN calls "torture"--and, indeed, I had the clinical sx of such), I now realize my role is the education of many, many healthcare professionals about the damage/potential mortality this is causing our potentially-greatest visionaries.
I have now done much research into the DSM category of "Religious/Spiritual" issues (a "v" category), as well as the work of the transpersonal psychology people (who put this in the DSM), who did research into the frequency of this--80% of people who go to psychiatrists, indeed, have at least some of these issues (which can also be associated with true "disorder")... which most psychiatrists are either not prepared to assist (either out of this prejudice--pathologicalizing it--or else simply being untrained). A "spiritual emergency" also looks like "mania", but is a healing process... not pathology. If any of you think you fit into another "category"--I suggest you look at the work of David Lukoff... and do reading on the volumes of information out there on the topic.
Considering the enormous risk of suicide with wrongful interventions--this is critical!
Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to speak of issues near and dear to my heart--I was complicitous myself as a psych nurse in those things I now realize are extremely harmful/potentially fatal! So I have a bit of "survivors guilt" as well!
Thank you for your insights. " Gee, I thought I had all the answers to pollution, politics and any other problem that comes along"....(She said with tears in her puffy eyes).
Yes, hypomania is not the friend it appears to be. While those around you think that you are doing so well with all this 'insight' and energy.....your world can crumble at any minute!! Yes, we even fool our psychiatrists, unintentionally, as, they often 'buy' into it. This scenario plays itself over and over....
When it is over we need to do damage control, however, we are now exhausted,depressed and in some kind of trouble.
DID I DO THAT??? You can bet I did!!!
Hypomania is not a disorder but a natural state for bright people. However, in order to stay in this state one needs to MIX with people who do not wish to constantly bring yur mood down.
In a word, bright people need to mix with bright people. See the book "Finding Your North Star" which is all about mixing with supportive positive people instaed of JEALOUS people who just wish to beat you down.
People who beat you down STRESS you and tell you untruths about your ideas. These are usually people who have NO ideas themselves.
I really don't think my period of hypo mania (sleeping 2-3 hours a night for 5 months) was a "natural state." I think your brain & body needs sleep for restoration & I was not getting it. After the hypo mania ended, I ended up not thinking clearly & thought I was not a worthy person & not even justified by taking up space & resources in this world. My thinking & mood "flipped" almost in an instant from being excited, energetic, & full of purpose & ideas. The "natural" solution to those thoughts was to commit suicide which led to my overdose 2 1/2 years ago.
I so agree with you. I am watching my son destroy his marriage, his life....all in he guiles of this is who I am....what? A party animal with no controls? Yes, everyone loves to be around some who seems to be on a "high", humorous, and creative...but what happened to responsiblity for the lives around you and the people who love you? He's left his beautiful, devoted wife in shambles and has taken up with a younger woman who is into partying......charged up $5,000 in weeks..horrible decisions! He has also been diagnosed with "bipolar 2".
Is sleeping 2-3 hours a night for 5 months hypomania or a full blown manic episode?
Who were you seeing? What medication were you on? Who was looking after you? Were you Working? Did you feel euphoric (very uplifted and happy) or anxious, restless and nauseous and suffering from headaches and morbid thoughts?
Hypomania is not just a state of not sleeping. You could have begun hypomanic and ended up with mixed states and then depression.
Do you have access to regular Medical care, or like so many Americans, are you at the mercy of a Health Care for the Rich or at least the Working Classes only?
Frances, Sydney Australia
Hello Frances. At the time I had the 5-month period of hypo mania I was taking Abilify (20 mg), Lamictal (300 mg), & Klonopin (1 mg). I had been stable on those meds for 5 years or more. When I was first dxed w/bipolar 1, I was in a horrible mixed episode (very depressed & agitated) & it took a year of trial & error to get this combo that worked (had kidney malfunction on Lithium; Depakote helped w/some symptoms but didn't lift the depression enough; Geodon knocked me out so much that I fell asleep while driving & was incredibly dizzy on it).
I was seeing (& still am) a psychiatric nurse practitioner. When the hypo mania began, I DID feel euphoric & had incredible energy. I don't feel irritable or angry or negative emotions when hypo manic so that is why it is so hard for me to give it up & also why I didn't realize it was dangerous & didn't report it to my provider. Before being dxed w/bipolar I was seeing a general practitioner doc & he dxed me w/unipolar depression since I never went in to see him when hypo manic (though my mother had a severe case of bipolar & did kill herself after many attempts & hospitalizations when I was 15 & bipolar does have a genetic component).
He would put me on anti-depressants that would send me into hypo mania & I just felt so great & thought the AD's were working REALLY REALLY well. But after about 8 weeks, I would sink back into a depression so he would up the dosage or if it was already a high dosage he would switch me to another AD & I would go through the same pattern of being hypo manic for a couple months & then crash again. My husband said I was either "on" or "off." Completely immersed & enthusiastic about life or totally isolated & drop out of life.
It wasn't until I changed to an internal medicine doc that I was dxed w/bipolar 1 (even though I've never had a full-fledged mania I was dxed w/bipolar 1 as I did have mixed episodes & delusional & paranoid thinking--thought my husband was trying to poison me or WANTED me to kill myself). The internal med doc started me on Depakote & sent me to a pdoc. The pdoc was not willing to listen to my comments that the Depakote wasn't giving me a good enough quality of life as I was still depressed. He asked me if the "radio was giving me special messages." I said, "No." I had NEVER had that as a symptom! But he wasn't willing to change my medication so that's why I searched for another provider who would work w/me in a collaborative effort & treat me as a equal & allow me to have imput in the decisions regarding medication & treatment.
I DO overspend, get overly involved in groups or committees or classes, plan extravagent trips & am overly confident (high self-esteem is not my normal state). I would go on what my husband called my "crusades." I would get caught up in a cause or injustice or something & would throw myself into it full-time (even to the point of being interviewed on television & I'm usually a shy person who would not be able to do such a thing).
I also played incredible tennis--very aggressive singles, but also overexercised (like maybe playing 5 hours of tennis a day & then running 6 miles). I ended up getting lots of injuries from overuse & had to have 2 knee surgeries & a foot surgery, got carpal tunnel, tennis elbow, stress fracture in my ankle & even managed to tear my pectoral muscle hitting an overhead (Boy, that was painful; I thought I was having a heart attack on the court.)
But that 5 months of hypo mania ended w/a sudden crash into depression & I overdosed on my medications. After that I was in a mixed-moderate state for about 2 1/2 years despite getting my meds changed (upped Abilify to 25 mg; added Trazodone 150 mg). FINALLY I found a wonderful therapist & started attending her Dialectical Behavioral Therapy group & doing individual therapy as well. After about 8 months of DBT & therapy I was able to start effectively applying the skills I was learning to help regulate my emotions better & curtail my rash & sometimes harmful behaviors. It was a LONG HARD time after that overdose. I just could not get over doing that (I had promised myself I would no longer attempt suicide after I had children as I knew what a horrible impact that has on a child & I had kept that promise for almost 30 years despite some awful depressions where I literally had to lock myself in a closet all night to keep myself from trying to end it all).
It's been about 3 1/2 years now since that episode. I've been able to get off Abilify (w/my meds provider's assistance & my agreeing that if my symptoms of paranoia or delusional thinking or hypo mania returned I would go back on Abilify to treat those symptoms--which did happen for a short period of time & I did go back on Abilify until it cleared up & then got off it again; I've been off it for about 6 months now) & I've been progressively lowering my Lamictal dosage w/the hopes of getting off it completely as I am 55 years old now & I don't think these meds have been tested adequately in the elderly population. I also did have to bump up the Lamictal for a couple months due to symptoms returning & am now decreasing it again.
I'm off Trazodone as that was prescribed to help w/my insomnia & my therapist did EMDR "treatments" on me & after 4 sessions my long-standing problem of insomnia disappeared. I've learned mindfulness techniques & breathing techniques & distress tolerance, etc. in DBT which have helped incredibly w/my anxiety so Klonopin is not a daily medication anymore.
So--probably told you way more than you wanted to know!!!!
Medication was incredibly helpful. It allowed me to get stable enough so I could benefit from therapy. I couldn't think rationally without the meds & couldn't apply any things I learned in therapy while my thoughts & emotions were so volatile. Everyone is an individual. This is only my personal experience.
Oh, yes, Frances, I was working part-time while hypo manic & continue w/the same job. I had to cut my hours drastically at work when I went into the mixed-depressive state that occurred before I was dxed w/bipolar. Now I can work from home & pick my own hours. When my moods were unpredictable it was hard as I was working w/the public & had to be at work at a specific time. When I was so depressed I just couldn't "act happy" anymore at work. It was too much of a strain & also when trying to get medications right, the side effects (dizziness & sudden waves of exhaustion memory problems & "foggy thinking") were not conducive to work!
Plus, I need to try to decrease the amoount of stress in my life & working too many hours proved to be too stressful for me (as did attendfing college full-time; I switched to part-time college & working part-time after a major depression during my freshman year of college).
Hi Suzanne, Great to hear from you! I was afraid that replying to your comment a year after you posted it was a long shot and you would probably miss it. Glad I was wrong. No, what you wrote was NOT way more than I wanted to know. I'm glad you are being looked after, and I'm glad you're not alone. One thing I get from reading your comments tho is that every time something happens to send you up or down you go to your prescriber for another medication. Also, you say, "This med sent me up too high - and then I crashed, so I changed to a different med..." and this seems to be a continuing cycle.
Suzanne, do you ever feel really great because something really nice happened in your family? Maybe one or more of your children did really well at school; maybe they did something really special for your birthday or Mother's Day - not something expensive, but something that touched your heart. Maybe your husband surprised you with something special he said or did, again not necessarily expensive, but something that touched you emotionally. When was the last time you shed tears of happiness? When was the last time you allowed yourself to feel sorrow over a loss. These are normal emotions. Do you allow yourself to feel them - really feel them, or are you too doped up one way or another to allow yourself to feel them. Are you afraid to allow yourself to feel utter joy in case it leads to hypomania or worse? Are you afraid to feel sad, let alone a few days of real sorrow, for fear it might turn into major depression?
Suzanne, sweetheart, Do I sound harsh, or even condescending? I don't mean to. I don't know you, so I don't really know what I'm talking about do I. But I have lived with real Joy and real Sorrow and I have lived with the biochemical imbalance which is Bipolar Disorder, and I have lived with all of them for a long time. And I have come to the conclusion that sometimes we need the help of medications, and sometimes we need to live our human Joys and Sorrows, and often to cope, we need to balance them all. But switching from drug to drug to drug I have found messes up the system. And sometimes, if you are feeling like killing yourself, instead of locking yourself in a cupboard, taking an overdose or going out and shooting yourself, writing yourself and car off, and maybe some innocent family as well, or hanging yourself (men's preference is for violent ways - unfair to those they leave behind), you're better off writing a poem or a song! Love & Light. Frances P.S. Hope I haven't lost you. F.
Hello! I guess I didn't explain myself very well. I was describing what happened to me after my 5 months of hypo mania, but NOW (finally in the last year or so) I have been able to utilize skills I've learned in my Dialectical Behavioral Therapy group & individual therapy & am now in the process of decreasing dosages & eliminating medications. I don't know if I will be off of all medications, but that is my goal as long as I am doing well. A major portion of DBT is to learn to identify & feel "pure" emotions of joy, sadness, calmness, etc. without over-reacting to things as I used to do. I don't artificially "feed" my emotions as I used to.
Often in the past I would get sad & depressed, but I would make it worse by ruminating on it & "feeding" it w/all the past memories of bad things that have happened.
I have 2 wonderful grown children & a faithful & loving husband of 35 years so I do experience joy, sadness, fear & all the gamet of emotions that accompany life. I am no longer suicidal & have not gotten too hyped up (as in hypo manic). I do watch for symptoms as I don't want to go back to such a state of depression that I contemplate suicide.
I also have a back injury that periodically "flares up" w/intense pain & I seek medical advice & help when that happens. I do the same if I have a "flare up" of my bipolar symptoms.
I do individual therapy & DBT weekly & find them to be very helpful & consider them a part of my "treatment" as is regular exercise, good diet & good friends & a happy family life.
My "normal" personality & outlook now is one of appreciation & excitement as to what each day will bring. I do a lot of volunteer work through National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) & Depression & Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA). My husband & I travel a lot & I work part-time. I have many hobbies & have much joy in my life.
It's been a long haul (1st suicide attempt at 15) & now am 55-years-old! But at least I am experiencing a great quality of life now (something that my mother was not able to do; she died at 45 after many years of suffering w/bipolar).
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NATIVE AMERICAN FOLK TALE
A grandfather explains to his grandson that he has two wolves inside him. One wolf fills him with hope and reminds him how wonderful his life is, and the other fills him with doubt and convinces him that nothing is worth the effort. The grandson asks, concerned for his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”
The grandfather replies, “Whichever one I feed.”
I thought I cut & pasted it correctly so all the "junk" wouldn't show up at the beginning. Apparently not!
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NATIVE AMERICAN FOLK TALE
A grandfather explains to his grandson that he has two wolves inside him. One wolf fills him with hope and reminds him how wonderful his life is, and the other fills him with doubt and convinces him that nothing is worth the effort. The grandson asks, concerned for his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"
The grandfather replies, "Whichever one I feed."
very insightful for me to read what you said about rumination...artificially feeding the emotions. yep...describes what I have done in the past. probably still do to some extent...especially when I'm so numb from either the depression or the med increases (tegretol). It's hard to come up with appropriate emotions at times.
I'm doing this stint with tegretol while my brain heals...I'm trusting that with the help of the pdoc that I will see in April that we can work together to help me become med free by the end of the year.
Good luck w/your healing. Be gentle w/yourself, but getting insight into what is helping or harming your mood stability is important (like the rumination for me or excessive worry about what other people think of me or blaming myself for being so "sensitive" when it is just the way I am & something I need to learn to deal with so it has the least amount of negative impact on my life & my relationships). As I mentioned indiv. theraoy & DBT have been immensely helpful for me. All my best to you...
Just found your cite how helpful. I was diagnosed five yrs ago and refuse to take meds because they bring me down. I feel like a zombie like I am not even myself. I end up self medicating because I constantly feel like I want to crawl out of myself like my body cant hold all my energy its a wild high all the time and most of the time I am so intense I love myself. I think I can do things others cant. I am a bartender probably not the best job for me cause I am exposed to all the goodies. The reason I end up abusing drugs is because I just want to bring down my high just a notch when I talk to people I know I am different and I feel like they are thinking I am crazy. I really cant control it I bounce around talk fast go off into extensive crazy stories I feel out of control very powerful and confident I will succeed in anything that I want. The real crazy thing is I do people love to be around me . My phone never stops people want me around men fall in love with me very quickly and it really creeps me out cause I cant do normal daily things easily and I know any relationship with me is just going to end up hurting someone but not me. It was fine in my twenties I just thought I was eccentric most people just thought I had a huge cocaine problem. I wake up like I snorted an eightball, seriously. It is harder now that I am older because I am more aware that my head is not right. I always thought mental illness was associated with lack of intelligence and that was never the case with me. My mind has always been too quick for those around me. Somehow I feel so bored I dont want the meds world but the average persons life seems so redundant to me like it would be hard to breath.
I've very appreciative of this article. A few years ago I sought treatment because I thought my life was out of control, that is, going no where and unproductive (to me). I was also extremely stressed out and taking on more burdens than I could handle - or were even mine to handle. In the past, this is always met with, "I think you have clinical depression. Here...take these and see." Most of us know how that goes: you feel great, stop the meds and take a slow drop or plunge; or you feel worse and are told to take more. Back then it was Prozac, the wonder drug, curer of all things mental health related. I have since been told (by my new doctor) that inappropriate prescription of this drug is likely how my illness developed/progressed.
The person I've been seeing now - perhaps because she is younger (I hate to be age-biased but sometimes it is a factor) - took the time to listen to my fears about losing "myself" to another medication. No finger waving, no doctor knows best. I realize not every case has the benefit of time but I've also watched the unfolding horrors of over- or mismedicating patients on friends and family. I've been a victim of the medical ambush were two or more doctors convince (i.e. wear you down) until you agree to meds you wouldn't have before - and I know many others have been, too. I'm lucky that I found someone who wasn't script-happy - and who watched out for me with script-happy dr.s while I attended a PHP.
I wish there were more people like her (and the Dr.s you mentioned) that you are an indivual with an illness that you need help managing not a fire that needs to be put out or a robot that needs a little help mimicing life. I have a better grasp on me vs. bipolar disorder (vs. medication as well). I used to see meds as chemical conformity, now see assisted control. Unfortunately, too many dr.s will use thr former method to treat patients. They only see the major symptoms, not the person hidden between them.
I guess reading this helps me to understanding the young adult 19 in my house. I can see the hypomania coming pretty clearly. As my kid was diagnosed at age 12, she loves the up feeling , hates the lows and I as a supporter try to keep the house calm. It is very scary for our family to see the hypomania because it does usually proceed with lack of sleep, agitation, irregular spending, and strange friends. Her Dr is fair but I can't talk to her unless I become her guardian. Medication is a struggle , too Thank you for trying to help people with bipolar.
Thanks for your blog. I am just starting to read about this. Can you please provide a detailed reading list? Links to other sites would be good too.
I have added your site to my favourites and shall keep visiting, hoping to see a detailed Bibliography (if you like, I'm prepared to volunteer to compile it, with your help) and something under Treatments.
Please keep up the good work.
What the Hypomanic phase of Bipolar Disorder means to me is utter relief from the horrible dragging-down unable-to-do-anything weariness of depression, and a great window of opportunity to GET THINGS DONE. Sure sometimes it's difficult to focus, and yes, I get distracted. But if I set myself a to-do list and am able to keep pretty well to it, I have a great feeling of achievement. In the last couple of days I have actually thoroughly cleaned up my bigish balcony. That is, swept up months of dust including from THE GREAT RED DUST STORM of a few months ago, cut back swiss ivy which was taking over, pulled out unsightly plants/weeds, planted succulents, watered what needed to be watered etc. I didn't think I could do it. But I did!
In the last few months, spring and summertime here in Oz (Australia), I have organised (Oz spelling) all but my rent, Mastercard and Reader's Digest bills to be paid automatically from my Credit Union. I will be arranging my pay next.
I've also been cleaning out boxes of papers and magazines which have been accumulating over time. It's a big job as I'm a real collector. But this is the time I feel I need to make the most of the energy I have while I have it, and the hours I'm awake while I'm awake. I still have to read everything before I can let it go!
By the way John, I don't find my manic episodes times of terror - except briefly when I get a panic attack and think maybe I'm dying. But while I'm kidding myself I can handle it it's just a way to get a lot of reading done - until the headaches get too bad. Once I'm in hospital, in spite of all the diazapam, Seroquel plus this that and whatever, in huge doses, I'm lightening on nitro during the day, happy as Larry, trying not to make nurses and patients dizzy. At night I watch TV 'til I'm chased to bed, then I sit up and read. The Seroquel makes my mouth so dry I drink large jugs of water (if you drink a lot of water you must add some lemon or lime, otherwise in can be toxic). It hardly helps. Rub some Ora-sed*jel (pfizer product). Try to sleep. Have to go to the toilet. All that water. More gel. Try to sleep. No hope. Go chat to the night nurse. Get some hot chocolate to drink while I read a bit and the nurse does her rounds. Clean my teeth. Back to bed. Mouth dry. Drink some water. More gel. Try to sleep. No hope. Mouth dry.Drink water. Go toilet. talk to nurse. more gel. morning. time to get up for exercise, meds, breakfast. Bugger off.
3 WEEKS LATER: HEY DOC- GUESS WHAT!?! Last night I got 3 hours of good solid sleep!! He looks at me quizzedly "Only 3 hours???" "YEAH, but it was good solid sleep."
Another couple of weeks in Hospital. 5 in all plus the 2weeks at home - 7 WEEKS FULL BLOWN MANIA. Bit of a nuisance, but a piece of cake really. She'll be right Mate.
My daughter drove me home. That was 2005. Now she just can't handle it at all. She won't visit me. Won't let me visit her family at her home in case I overstay my welcome. My eldest grandchild is 10, the 2nd is 7. I have never been allowed to baby-sit them, and have been told I never will be. I'm OK. But I'm beginning to worry about my daughter's mental state ...
I'm hypomanic, and it is an amazing part of my life. I've created a business to become financially independant at a young age, built organizations to help others and travelled all over the world. One of the keys is to realize you are actually different, and that doesn't have to be bad. Don't spend your life trying to fit into a square peg into a round hole and becoming depressed because you can't.
Read "the hypomanic edge" or "the bipolar advantage" to discover some of the positives. Creativity, passion and drive, brainstorming, and the ability to connect actual real ideas together to create new things. People like us decoded the human genome (craig ventner), built the american economy (alexander hamilton) and have been some of the richest people in the world (carnegie).
Temper your hypomania with logic, and frequent testing to make sure specific ideas actually have potential, then go change the world. it's a ride, but for god's sake don't sit around thinking you're broken. Go, live, be happy.
Great comments. Since I've been diagnosed with "hynomania" -- I'm unipolar, I'm told. Only "naturally" up all the time...never down. Not incredibly high...but "performance high." I've won two sales contests at major corporations and got a kudo for one at another major corp...and I now do statewide presentations (for which my humor, props, energy & creativity play a huge part of my success.)
This is NOT to say, however, to the poster I'm replying to ("Anon") that everyone can have "controllable" or "tolerable" mania. Mine is "fast pressured speech...long soliquys...an interrupter...trouble focusing...ability to stay up late (but like to sleep in)...not good at completing tasks, esp. on time.
I was in corporate sales for nearly 14 years, so that's one place where I could function best (except for tardiness & late paperwork) since I could go WHERE, WHEN and HOW I wanted...got to talk to ppl all day...meet new ones (and of course, try to sell them s_it. That part actually got easier (except for the pressure to "produce.")
But, Anon poster, you do have several good points. One that still stands out is accepting where one is in life.
Hello! I'm not sure if the comment from "Frances" who is in the hospital is the same "Frances" I was having a conversation w/quite a while back. I'm sorry to hear about your being in the hospital, though some people have told me it was very helpful for them to get stabilized. I've never been in the hospital (though my mother was numerous times & she didn't fare very well). I did do an Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) at the hospital for about 6 weeks when I was first dxed w/bipolar I. I was in a mixed stated w/a very deep depression & agitation. That is a hideous combination!
Frances, you had asked me (& no, I didn't find your comments or questions rude or condescending at all. I thought you were very friendly to even take the time to write to me w/interest about my experiences) if I've ever felt any "pure emotions" that were not chemically induced by meds.
I think you might have missed one of my posts or maybe I just thought I posted it here!! I am one of those "talkative" people even when not hypo manic (& when hypo manic--look out; I've even written on an index card to put next to my computer & in my wallet:
"When hypo manic do not send emails; make phone calls; write letters; send smoke signals; or attempt to communicate w/long lost friends in any manner; or write missives to current friends, strangers or the editors of newspapers or authors of anything (have even sent spelling & grammatical corrections to the writers of adverts I've received in the mail from real estate agents & such!!); expunge epistles from Word documents before they can be communicated to any living person. And, finally, SHUT UP!!"
Google has a fairly new thing where when you hit "send" on an email you have 30 SECONDS to change your mind & "unsend" it. Only 30 seconds!! I need to have about 12 hours.
I have embarrassed myself many, many times by contacting people who don't remember me. Do others of you get that urge to communicate when hypo manic? I do & I do have the strong urge even when not hypo manic (but not as extreme--I write here often so you can imagine how voluminous it is when hypo manic).
AND I ramble. Frances, I wanted to answer your question about "pure emotions" as I must not have written about it previously, as I thought I had. The ups & downs I described were when I was dxed w/unipolar depression by my GP (General Practitioner) whom I went to for many years for the treatment of my depression. He was the one who would start me on Prozac & I would become hypo manic (Boy, was my tennis game ferocious on Prozac; I was a female Nadal!!) for about 8 weeks & then slide back into depression.
So he would then increase the dosage or if I was already on a high dosage switch me to another AD like Zoloft, Effexor, or Wellbutrin or Lexapro (way back when I had been on Tricyclics, too, like Imipramine) & also tried BuSpar...
It was only when I switched from the GP to an IM (Internal Medicine) doc that at my 1st appt. she could tell I was in a mixed episode & w/my family history of mother being bipolar I she dxed me w/the same & started me on Depakote & sent me to a pdoc.
That pdoc didn't listen to me as far as the level of quality of life I was expecting (he was willing to settle for a much lower level than I was--after all, it was my life; he didn't have to live it so he was fine w/it!!) so I "fired" him & I found a psychiatric nurse practitioner whom I have been w/for about 15 years who works w/me in a collaborative way & is wonderful.
I did really well on Lithium--had never felt that well, was able to think clearly, finally not have all that inner turmoil (came from a highly abusive & chaotic home w/my mother being so ill & committing suicide after many attempts & alcoholic & uninvolved father), but unfortunately, I had kidney malfunction on Lithium & had to get off it after a few months so then spent 1 1/2 years doing the trial & error game to find the right combo of meds to help me get stabilzed (USA spelling! My mother was from New Zealand, Frances, so I can do both spellings!).
But, after getting the meds right THEN I was able to think clearly & learn so much from the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) & individual therapy & thus put into practice what I was learning & am now off Abilify (was on it about 12 years); decreasing Lamictal in the hopes to get off it completely (down to 150 mg from 300 mg at highest dose); Klonopin taken very rarely instead of nearly every night .5-1 mg; Trazodone for sleep sometimes still need that as sleep is still a troublesome issue for me & a starting point for hypo mania (I have never had a full blown manic episode, but am still dxed w/bipolar I as I have had mixed episodes & have had delusional thinking & paranoia.
Through DBT the mindfulness techniques are helping quite a bit w/the chronic insomnia & also my therapist has used EMDR & it has helped some w/the insomnia, but that is a little "iffy" as I have limited memories of childhood & she doesn't want to bring up some perhaps traumatic ones unexpectedly that I might not be prepared for.
I just got 2 banker's boxes full of my mother's medical records from the mental institutions; her pdocs' reports; even letters she wrote when she escaped to New Zealand after she found out my father was in the process of getting her involuntarily committed to the mental institution; letters that my father wrote, friends, relatives, etc. so I can learn what actually did happen as it was so chaotic & full of lies & as a child I couldn't figure out what was happening.
All this info. my brother found in a storage container that has finally been released as it is part of my father's estate & my brother is the executor of his estate but there is a nasty court battle going on about his estate. So my brother asked me if I wanted the info. even though he read some of it & said it was "very disturbing", but he knows I have "mental health issues" & maybe the info. might help me figure out some of my difficulties. I thought maybe the info. might help, too. I've only read about 10 pages & it is very distrubing so I need to take it slowly & w/my therapist by my side to help me "process" it.
I DO feel emotions that are appropriate to the occasion. I just spent the US Thanksgiving holiday w/our grown children (in their 30's) & my husband of 36 years (high school sweetheart). We did hiking, cooked together, laughed a lot & both my children are so thankful for my continuing healing. They have seen my struggles, but despite it all my #1 desire in life has been to be the best mother possible as I know how important that nurturing is for the development of self esteem & confidence is for children.
They are thriving & I am so thankful for my loving, devoted husband who has stuck by me during this journey & helped me so much. We also laugh about my sometimes very convoluted thinking & our communication has increased so much when I do my DBT daily "homework" & discuss the skills I am working on. We will play a game of "Name that Cognitive Distortion" when I start to over-react & get emotionally overwrought about something. He helps me analyze what is triggering the irrational reaction. Then I can understand that I am not reacting to the "here & now" but most often reacting to something in my past that the situation has triggered so once I realize that I can separate them & live in the "here & now" & feel emotions that are "pure" & appropriate to the occasion.
AND I then can choose to not escalate them (such as ruminating on everything that has ever caused me to be sad or depressed & thereby increase my sadness or depression that is currently appropriate to the experience now--the "feeding the wolf" idea). I feel the emotion, but I don't "feed" it unnecessarily. Even joy or happiness doesn't need to be "fed" to make it more extreme than what is appropriate to the occasion.
I like the idea that I can "control" the intensity of my emotions--what you focus on increases. I don't have to be hostage to my emotions & let them carry me on to behaviors that are not helpful or that are even harmful (unhealthy coping skills) to try to dampen down the intensity of the emotion when it gets too "unbearable." I'm no longer locking myself in my closet "white knuckling" it through the night!! My back feels much better, too, from not lying on the hard closet floor all night.
Plus, I don't have to express my emotions ("get it out") immediately & often at inappropriate times (like during holiday family meals w/the mother-in-law or something like that movie w/Anne Hathaway--can't remember the name--"Rachael Getting Married"?)--you know, when you get so upset you feel that strong urge to release all that emotion verbally or you'll burst or something & it usually does not improve the family get-together? I can now "hold it in" & think ahead ("Play the tape all the way to the end" & think about what the ultimate result will be if I do blurt out all my emotions) & ask myself if that will help me reach my ultimate goal of A HAPPY FAMILY LIFE? Probably not!
I don't have to let the past jumble up my emotions now & deprive me of enjoying the beautiful family I have & the blessings & wonderful life I have now. It has been a long haul & I'm so sorry my mother was not able to have the benefit of the many new medications & therapies available today. She had such a tortured life. She wasn't able to feel love, enjoy life--even the simple peace of sunshine on her face, being immersed in a good book, watching your children grow up & surprass your wildest dreams for them & share a love that started when you were 15-years-old w/a 16-year-old teenage boy who somehow has continued to love me, grow w/me, laugh w/me, cherish & console me, & be the best companion a person could want & most incredibly--he seems to want to do it for many more years!
Talk about pure emotions--right now GRATITUDE & LOVE are feeling pretty strong & pure in me!
I hope, Frances, that you are feeling better & that this rambling has not detracted from the other wonderful postings here. I apologize for my "talkativeness."
Thank you for posting. This is fantastic! I am 30 and have, according to conventional wisdom, Bipolar II. But, for me, this manifests more as consistent low-grade hypomania than anything else. The only time that I fall into a depression is when I begin to *judge* my hypomania as being wrong, or I take personally the judgments that other people make about it. I have always felt different and have spent much of my life trying to slow myself down--or "dumb" myself down--in order to be better liked and understood by others. But the truth is that I'm not like a lot of other people, I don't want the things they want, I'm not satisfied with the same things, and there are things that I can do easily that others can't. I have a very high IQ, I handle complex problems easily, I'm extremely creative and easily think outside the box, I can multi-task several different tasks efficiently, and I move at a fast pace. When others feel threatened by this, they often wish to label me either as a maniac or a narcissist. But, in truth, I am actually a very loving and grounded man who is just out to make the world a friendlier, more efficient and loving place to live in. And, when I'm "in the zone" and putting my creativity to work, it's exciting! When I'm around others like me, we get so much done, and it's an exhilarating ride. When I'm around others who are not like me, I often get judged and ridiculed for being different, and then I get depressed.
My experience with Bipoloar may be unique, or it could be that I am just on the road to understanding how to see it and use it as an asset and a gift rather than a liability and a punishment. I believe that *everything* we have in life is potentially either an asset or a liability, depending on how we choose to use it; and that nothing is inherently an asset or liability. And in the case of hypomania, my feeling is that it is a potentially beautiful and very valuable tool that we, as a collective society, have just not yet come to fully understand--like an unrefined gemstone, before it has been polished and cut.
My gentle suggestion to others reading this thread who are getting to know their own minds is to reflect upon all the ways that your hypomania has been or could be an asset to yourself and others, and focus on that! Those of us who have it may be sitting on a blessing and not a curse, and we may have something very positive to offer humanity if we harness it in a positive and insightful way.
Peace.
I saw the colours they were amazing
I could smell the scents in the air divine
And as the heavy rain poured down on me
I felt I was touched with heavenly wine
I watched the hills roll into the distance
The sun melt across the land in splendour
Bleeding colours of magical warmth
In the cold autumn eve I wanted more
And as the winds icy fingers brushed my skin
Tantalising shivers swept through my veins
And it's voice whispered in my ear a song
I listened, I heard and I felt no shame
Caught in it's grasp, succumbed by the pleasure
I breathed it's breath and it felt like fire
Intoxicating, a burning passion
A promise to take me higher and higher
So safe in its embrace I closed tight my eyes
And felt a rush of thoughts a thousand dreams
A yearning to live like never before
Ideas gushing like rivers and streams
but I learned the wind was cruel and merciless
Tossing me like an autumn leaf in the air
Leaving me to spiral up and plummet down
And to realise that it didn't care
It took me higher and higher on up
Its icy fingers ripping at my flesh
The rain driving at me like cold hard hail
And I saw from above my life was a mess
But I am caught in its grasp, it won't let go
And its voice whispers in my ear a song
Piercing my mind and taking control
'With me in the sky is where you belong'.
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