Most of the time when asked how I am doing, I will usually return with, "I'm ok, and you?" There have been times though that I was feeling better than "ok", and almost answered with a, "I am doing well, thank you", but I stopped myself, not willing to commit to the sense of wellbeing I was feeling. How stupid is that. I wasn't hypomanic, and I wasn't depressed, I was even better than just stable, so why was I afraid to admit and commit to this? I think it's because there is an expectation attached to feeling well, a sense that I am expected to function and relate normally to the world around me. Then, the anxiety steps up, dampens down the mood, and keeps me close to the sidelines of my life where it is "safe" and close to the exit sign.
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I took breakfast at a cafe near to my home this am. It's christmas but I had been awake since 3:45a and there was nothing in the house to eat. (Im going even furher north for Christmas dinner). My last experience at this particular cafe was 6 days ago and it was somewhat horrible in that there was this racist idiot sitting behind me and I couldn't finish my dinner so I just left. After this mornings omlette I walked down town to pull out some money from my account and passed homeless-gathering upon homeless-gathering. In front of churches, on corners, courthouse square. And everyone of them was happy. One was so much so that he had to say it from the top of his lungs. And I thought, "Good! for you. I wish I could say that once in awhile" I began ruminating about how my meds leave me stable but I cant remember when I was last actually happy. I wish I could say that giving back had made me happy. Maybe it's who or what you give back to. Cuz right now, it is not working. But it's ok. Maybe "stable" is all I can ever hope for. At least, this Christmas, I have that.
Hey, Cathryne. You hit on something essential here. Maybe you are not where you want to be right now, but from what I am hearing you say is that you have accepted that stable is OK for you right now. From stability, we can slowly work our way forward. Also, you had enough life in you to have been upset over the racist idiot in the restaurant. It may have been a negative emotion, but it is an important sign that you are not numb to the the world around you.
Maybe this is simply a time where you allow yourself to heal. In this regard, your state of conditional acceptance is a good sign.