I think "real" or prescribed medication can leave one in the same quandary: better to be a zombie and wander around in a daze but somewhat "removed" from the illness, or feel alive and dealing with the illness unmedicated.   Seems like when I am a zombie I would much rather be among the truly living; yet when I am in the throes of mental illness, I often wonder if being a zombie wouldn't be a welcome relief.  So I go back and forth between the two.  I haven't yet found a prescription medication (or an illicit chemical) that will lead to my feeing normal...but do I really know what normal is?  I think I do.

I struggle with marijuana.  It makes me sleepy.  In high school and college, I had to freebase in the bong hit to keep me awake to enjoy the high.  At least once a week, I say to myself I really need the stuff.  Sleep is my critical issue with bipolar.  The doxepin and clonopin are for sleep.  Am taking 200mg of Doxepin (borderline dose).