I found my sister unconscious and unresponsive Labor Day weekend. She had MS, HTN, heart disease, OCD, depression, DM, and was on a lot of medicine. She left this note, which really didn't explain a lot. I knew at some level she wouldn't want any life-saving measures-she had told me this. But I still called the EMS, and she was taken to the hospital. The MD's couldn't intubate her because of a congenital fusion of the cervical spine, so used a type of temporary tube, and yes, she was on a vent. About 3-4 days later, an EEG showed very little brain activity, and a few days after that, I had the vent discontinued. My sister managed to hang on a few more days, never regaining consciousness. Did she commit suicide? My gut feeling is yes, but I don't really know. She had a lot of meds she could've taken. All I do know is I miss her a lot, didn't know how much I would miss her until she is gone.
4 years ago after telling me how much I was loved my husband shot himself in the head and he was gone. I am bipolar which I don't know if it makes the grief any different, but the question of why still haunts me. This has been very difficult for me and my son even with the therapy and the medication I take. I do know that each day is brighter and I have learned to forgive myself. Oh yes, I still have some very sad and depressed days but it does get better, at least it has for me. I have found that with true friends that surround you with love you can survive and learn to live again.
One month shy of 15 years my mother commited suicide. I was only 15. I still ask myself why. She had BP. I have it now and been struggling for years. I'm confused. I feel the sadness, grief and emotional pain of my mom leaving me. Why? Why didn't she want to be with me. Why..? Now that I am a parent and have the samething why do I ask why? I stand in the same murkey waters my mother did 15 years ago. I feel the sadness, emotional ups and downs as she did. Who am I to ask why now.? It's a vicious cycle. I am allowing this cycle to keep going. My mother was only 37 years old. I am 30. Where is my life going to be in the next 7 years?
My husbands uncle killed himself thress weeks ago. He was 46. Again, the same question is why? He had so much going for him. Why? There was a picture of him taken 7 days before he did it at a wedding. Myself having a mental illness and most of the time suicidal. In that picture taken I can see the sad, lonely pain he was feeling. It crushed me. That is the same face I saw 15 years ago. My husbands uncle hid the pain very well. It came as a huge shock to everyone. (him and his wife were having marital problems) But in that picture I seen it all. He is so very missed.
I have a friend that had her second ECT this week. She is falling deeper and deeper and I am watching it again. And I feel there is nothing I can do. She is pushing me away and is secluding herself. Four months ago she went to a gun shop and tried to buy a gun. When will that happen again and when will it be the third funeral I attend because of a suicide?
How much can one person take? How much can a person take after two close people take their life and a possible third one hanging in the air. How much do I take?
I ask myself everyday why.
My name is Linda. I live in Lynchburg, VA. In the last month there has been 2 members of my family that have committed suicide. My cousin's wife was 42, took an overdose. Less than a week after she took her life, my nephew, 24, took a 22 rifle and blew himself away. I am currently going to school online and all this has rocked me so much that concentration on my studies fell behind. I am a mother of a 29 yr. old disabled young man and the impact has been extremely rough on him. My son and I have made a pact that no matter how tough life gets, suicide would not be a way out. It is too painful for those left behind.
I found a friend who hung herself 5 years ago. I know this may seem awful but I was enraged. At her memorial, everyone was sobbing and crying, her friends, family, etc..I was just filled with anger at all the pain and the mess she left behind. And it was over some idiot crack head she had been dating for maybe six weeks. I know it wasnt really over him, but thats what she wrote about in her "goodbye". Now I just feel empty when I think of her. I have had other friends who have committed suicide, (I am in a 12-step program so it tends to happen more), but she is the only one that I found. It was devastating. And the guy that was with me, whom I totally loved, relapsed and died six months later. It was a really bad year.
I've been on disabilty for depression for nearly my entire adult life. I worked part-time here and there when I could, but I always strived to get off disabilty and work full-time. I finally reached a point where I really believed I could do that.
I accepted a position; full-time, benefits, paid well and it was a job helping people. Everything I had worked for and dreamed of.
In the 9 months that I held this job my brother committed suicide, the organization I worked for was very nearly derailed by a corrupt CEO - causing us to lose 2/3 of the staff and -needless to say - a stressfull environment at work, and then I spent everyday for 5 weeks at the hospital comforting a friend who died of COPD right before Christmas.
I kept telling myself that I could cope with all of this. But I became more and more depressed. Most especially with my brother's death. All of the whys and what ifs...
I later learned that the more depressed he became the angrier his roommate became with him over his behavior.
The more depressed I came at work I found the same to be true with me.
The thing about depression is the more depressed you get, the more irregular and inconsistent one's behavior becomes. That usually pisses people off - and always at the same time when you're the most vulnerable. And the vicious cycle begins...people get pissed off, you get more depressed, people get even more pissed off, and you get even more depressed and more inconsistent....you just start fumbling all over yourself like you have 10 mental left-feet.
I got a very good snapshot of how my brother felt before taking his life. And it is heartbreaking.
I left my job, under not so good terms, but I have to heal and that's the only thing that is important.
We need to educate about depression. People wouldn't be treated badly if they suffered from a heart disease that prevented them from doing what are otherwise everyday responsibilities.
The majority of us with bipolarism already know the reasons why, because most if not all of us have been there and close to that point ourselves. So I guess this is for those of you that haven't experienced the depressive state that normally has taken place for a period of time prior to the act.
Lets start off first by saying that it is totally irrational thinking, but to the person contemplating suicide...it feels very rational. I hear the words used to describe this person as selfish or it was a selfish act...it may feel that way to the survivors left behind, but I can tell you from experience that this thought was the furthest thing from this persons mind at the time.
The problem stems from the large gap left behind after the person is able to follow through. Tracy said she was angry at the memorial of her friend that had taking their life and that is only natural...See anger stems from fear, fear stemming from the thought of going on with the rest of our lives without this person being part of it.
If your a family member of someone that has followed through, understand that it had nothing to do with you nor could you have stopped this person if the intent was to follow through. To those families that are struggling with a loved one that mentions committing suicide, having feelings that everyone would be better of without them here on earth, get them help.
To the families of a family member or friend that has gone quiet, not themselves and looks like they are trying to get all their affairs in order...act now and get them evaluated.
In these hard times of loosing work, loosing homes, loosing incomes your going to see a rise in this area. When you have been where I have...nothing and I repeat nothing in this world is worth taking your life. You will get a job, find another place to call home and can replace anything materialist at a a future date. Your not a failure and there are plenty of people in the same position as you right now.
So to you...hang in there, lean on and support family and better times are coming. To those of you suffering depression and having suicidal thoughts and idealizations...understand that they are totally irrational even though they feel rational.
I preach personal responsibility when it comes to our illness...if you are having these thoughts...you need to make that call right now to get in and be seen and have a medication adjustment. You really are that important to us to keep you around...but we can't do it for you, we need your help.
I disagree that it's totally irrational, but I am not bipolar, I am Major Depressive, so perhaps it's different. I have been depressed most of my life, I'm 46, and have failed most medication, medication / talk therapies. I have never experienced full remission. I have been on disability for Major Depression for 14 years.
The reason that suicide is not irrational is that it is, finally, the only way for the pain to stop. You wouldn't expect someone whose leg had been cut off by a car accident to go without pain killers, so why do you expect someone who has whichever mental illness, which they now feel they cannot handle any more pain from, to get it to stop in the only way it will stop.
Again, because I'm not bipolar, I can only speak to the devastating lows, and even the medium and somewhat upper lows: they don't have the same quality as "normal" peoples' lows. The emotion, at whatever level, is much more cutting and pressing. The only glimpse of a normal experience I have ever had is when my Cymbalta was doubled from the high depression dose to the high fibromyalgia dose. For a couple of days, I felt just kind of good, regular, nothing special, but just ok, like I could sort of handle what came my way. Then it faded. I was able to keep the physical benefit of less pain, but not the emotional benefit of feeling "just" (not more than "just") ok. How I wanted it back! It's hard to explain in words, but maybe you all understand, when a medicine works and changes something that you have tried so damn hard to change yourself, but have been unable. And it was just sort-of, kind-of, "just" ok. No big whoop, but not so oppressive, even during my somewhat "upper" lows, which is as good as it gets for me, and those are rare. I can cognitive behavioral therapy myself from here to the moon until the cows come home, and it doesn't change. I can mindfulness myself around the equator one direction than another, and barely anything. I notice the beauty around me, I treat people well, I know my talents and appreciate them, etc. It just comes down to purely chemical.
So here's the point: WE JUST WANT THE PAIN TO STOP, AND SUICIDE IS THE ONLY WAY TO GET THE PAIN TO STOP.
If there was a less drastic way, believe me, we'd do it. I know that bipolar disease is more erratic, but at least in my case, and I'm sure in many of the cases you've seen, have these people not tried a million things to get better? And if they haven't, it's not yours to judge! We all have different tolerance capacities, and they were just done with the pain.
Picture in your mind an experiment where someone bashed your arm with a huge rock and broke the bone, and then said: "I have the painkiller in my hand, but you have to endure the pain of this broken arm for as long as you can, because it will make others around you feel better if you do."
Life, genetics, experiences of different kinds gave us our illnesses, bipolar, unipolar, whatever. If we can find a painkiller in meds and therapy and support groups and family / friends, that's great. Some can't. It's not only not fair, it's unconscionable for those left behind to think the person should have stayed for them, just as it's completely unreasonable to refuse painkiller for a broken arm. It's drastic, but at this time, there simply is no other way to get rid of the pain. I'm not talking about idiots playing around and ending up with an O.D. I'm talking about those of us fighting these diseases who are in hideous pain. Once a therapist innocently said: "But the good always comes back." I answered in what she thought was just negative thinking, and that is exactly what has to be corrected and deeply understood. I said: "No, it's the bad that always comes back." It wasn't a simple reversal of words, it is the life I have to live because of brain chemistry that cannot be changed in the medical climate we have today. I get a glimpse of sort-of good for a few minutes maybe a couple of times a year, and then it's bad. It's not because I think about bad things, or just have a negative outlook, it just FEELS HORRIBLY DAMN BAD. I think that's what people don't get. You don't have to be even really thinking about anything, but you still FEEL HORRIBLY DAMN BAD, because that's how the dials are set. That's our neutral.
Nobody wants to live that way forever, and it gets to the point that you have to end it because it's unbearable.
It is not selfish to take your life when you are in that kind of unbearable pain, akin to being constantly, brutally beaten all day, all night, all of your life, and there is no other way to MAKE IT STOP.
What is selfish is to ask someone to keep living in that unbearable pain just to make you more comfortable.
Hey Kitty,
The vast majority of people don't go around thinking that killing oneself is rational unless you happen to be a suicide bomber. I spent so many years of constant bombardments of suicidal thoughts that my line of reasoning was that everyone had those thoughts.
Driving down the road I would look at large trees envisioning driving off the road and head on into them to take life. I had thoughts of hanging myself, overdosing, cutting my wrists and so on...I think you get the point. This wasn't a passing thought..it was constant. As tabby already put it... I never had thoughts of doing it as a way to get back at anyone.
My thoughts were more centered around the idea that most if not all would be better off if I weren't around to have to deal with. I felt inadequate in every area of my life, always second guessing myself with that little devil on my shoulder re-enforcing the message... you are a worthless piece of crap.
With the help of a little medications the thoughts vanished. It's sort of funny in a way because I had spent most of my waking hours constantly thinking of death and now here I was feeling lost without them. In the beginning I would sit for hours trying to think of those thoughts just to come up blank....who in their right mind would take their life?
SO I still stand on the premise that suicidal thoughts and idealizations are totally irrational. They may feel totally rational to you...but take it from me, their not!
tty,
I would like to say that I believe that you could be getting better treatment by the
Medical profession. Our mental health system is way out of whack. Those who can pay the most get the best treatment. You are right on about the horror, the deep pervasive pain of depression. I have been there. It took 15 years to get a right diagnosis and the right medication. I have been in a psychiatric hospital three times.
Something that has helped me follows;
The basic rule of psychiatry is this: Start a person on a dose of medication, let it build up in the blood level, and continue to up the dosage until it is working or the side effects become intolerable. If it does not work, anywhere from two weeks to two month, start on another medication.
You say you are not bipolar but it sounds to me like you are. Are you on Lithium, or Serequel or Zyprexa or Lamictal or Depakote, etc. If you are not why have the doctors not tried these? You could have bipolar 2 disorder.
I am not a medical doctor but I know that M.D. does not stand for Medical Divinity.
If you have to fire your psychiatrist do so. They continue to come out with new medications for the mind all the time.
My wife and I wrote a book, Broken Minds, Hope for Healing When You Feel
Like You're Losing It. Please go to our web site and view our book.
Ifyou cannot afford one, I will send you one.
http://heartfeltcounselingministries.com/bookpurchase.aspx
I am praying for you.
Steve Bloem
I recently lost my 30 year old son to suicide and found your comments when searching for understanding. Actually, what you wrote has helped me realize the suffering my son must have endured and I guess he was just tired of the pain. I sure do wish there could have been some way to help him since now his friends and family members are suffering so greatly. We all miss him terribly.
When I become suicidal, and I do typically in my depressive episodes, I'm not thinking "Oh, I'm taking myself out because so and so did this to me." Or, "My husband left (which he did) and so, I'll kill myself to get even with him." Or, "My life is such a mess and I'll just die so I won't have to face any of it." Some do think these things... I don't.
What happens is physically, just living each day becomes hard. It is a physical reaction first and foremost. It's harder to breath, you are tired all the time to the point of literal exhaustion, the brain slows down to a crawl and you can't remember things - visualize concepts - all the colors of life surrounding you quite literally turn a wintery gray and white color.
No matter what you do, what positive thoughts you conjur up and recite to yourself every minute, who you surround yourself with... once that depression hits, it grabs hold.
You can be taking all the medication the white coats prescribe and have been taking them for months if not years. Going and tweaking them, adjusting them, adding and subtracting from them but you still have the damn depressions.
You may not have the soaring, creative flowing manias anymore but, you get the f****g depressions because while you've tampered down the manias no one likes cause you aren't "manageable" - you've only added to the depressions you will get. Cause in Bipolar, there is no "just mania" or "just depression" - otherwise, they'd be called Unipolar.
Then the longer the physical happens.. the mental sets in. It's a cycle that feeds upon itself. You can't do the work on your job as well, the boss harasses. You can't meet the demands of your SO/Spouse/what have you, and they harass. You can't keep up with your grades, and the reports show it.
You run to the doc, get your med tweaked, go another couple of days to a week or more pleading quietly inside that the med starts working - only to find often times, it doesn't and/or you are made physically ill from the side effects and guess what? You lose more time at work or can't work well, you can't meet the demands of the SO, and you miss out on the grades so the report shows it.
Everyone is on your case because you aren't "happy", "bubbly", "perky". All those around start drifting away from you, quit calling cause who wants to be near you? You look around and want to call someone or meet someone to talk, for help, but you find no one because you'd be a "bother" to them because they've told you so - over and over in words and actions.
Sure, you can go to the therapist and tell him/her every appointment. You pay them, or the State does, to listen to you every session. Sometimes it helps, often times it doesn't.
You start wanting to make the pain stop. You want the pain of life to stop. Life hurts excruiatingly and you want it to stop. You've lived with it, you've taken the pills, you've done the therapy, you've re-structured your life, and it continues on and on and on and on - the pain.
Each bout, gets harder and heavier. You survive only to find another bout coming at you maybe a few weeks down the road or a few months down when you lose your job, your spouse leaves, you don't get the grade, the bills come, your parent ends up in a hospital or a nursing home.
Or, heavens' to Betsy - there is no damn reason - IT JUST HAPPENS cause you have Bipolar or Recurring Major Depression. They don't need a reason.
Why? Why? I have only told 3 people in my entire life that I understood why someone commits suicide. I understand because I know how the mind gets to that point. I get how desparate that person is to escape the excruiating pain they are feeling.
It's not any of the survivor's fault. I tell folks here - don't blame yourselves, it's not your blame to take on. You did nothing wrong and literally, if one was truly honestly wanting to kill themselves - it was their choice, their decision. Nothing you could do would've stopped it. Your loved ones didn't want you to blame yourselves, not the majority of them.
Some, do. Some do it out of pure spite. You know of those that do this.
Yet, the vast majority weren't being selfish, they thought they were making life easier on everyone around them so as to not be bothered with them or draw attention to them - to not be a drain. That is why, often times, no one sees any signs - flags - or symptoms prior to.
They keep it all locked up inside, put on their respective masks for everyone around, and go about their business until the time comes. Many, who honestly desires to & have given much thought, picks out a time.
I, typically do. I put it out there - ahead - so that I give myself a chance to see if "the pain will ease up". Most of the time, I cycle back up to a tolerable level before then. When I don't... attempt is made and/or on the edge... I run to the hospital or nearest crisis center - so far.
It's not your fault. They chose. They weren't being selfish, not the majority of them. They just wanted it to stop.
They just couldn't make it stop, neither could you.
They may have been going to therapy, seeing the docs, taking the meds - and still chose to end their lives.
Sometimes, all the docs, all the pills, and all the therapists in the world just can't make it stop.
Oh Tabby, Thank you for putting all that out here. I hope it helped you as much as it has helped us. And it really has helped place words on our inability to verablize our emotions to those who reluctlantly live in our unbalanced world. I wish I could just reach out through this computer and give you a big old hug. You are so important to us out here in cyberspace. You are often the first to reach out with a well worded, well thought out response to a posting. I will pray that God grants you some inner peace while you are here on Earth. Rosebud
Most of my life I considered it very selfish of anyone to take their own life and leave themselves to be found by their family and leave their family devastated. I used to think "what is wrong with them - how selfish, etc." Then a few years ago I began to consider why someone would do it. Then I started picturing myself filling the tub with water, lying down and slitting my wrists, even though I hate cuts of any kind, I knew I could do this and I have been told the right way to do this. I mean you hear of people doing this all your life and you wonder why and all of a sudden it becomes clear. I went from GAD to Bi-Polar major depression within the past few years. Last year a local high school student called all his friends one Sat night after his folks had gone out, then he shot himself. My son said that just isn't right. He was selfish and only thinking of himself. I told my son you do not know what kind of problems he was having, nobody knows but his family and to let it go. I think he knew from his father what has been on my mind. When I started seeing a Psychiatrist and became "medicated" my husband has been to every appointment. When I had problems with each medication they tried, it was my husband who called the nurses and the doctors. He has taken care of everything for me. For a long time I was NOT left alone until they felt I was stable. I am now on Depakote which I think may be an older medication as it is a lot cheaper than some I was on and it has fewer side effects for me, and I have been taking Klonapin for years. I still have minor depressions and it usually happens when some event sets me off like the weather, or my husbands problems finding a fulltime job. Last week I was having a rough time and I wanted to go to the doctor, but we have no medical benefits and I try not to go until my regular appointments. I took extra meds, extra sleep, felt like I wanted to run away and weathered it out. It was not as deep a depression as I had last year, but I had the exhaustion. I even took an extra B12 injection to help with exhaustion. Who knows what my future holds, I may relapse. I am going to try to print out all these responses just in case the future again becomes bleak and the pain is as bad as it was a year ago. Maybe my family will understand as you have all stated it better than I can. I have a plan for my end. My family will not find me.
Hey Nutter,
"I have a plan for my end. My family will not find me."
It's that time to check yourself into an acute mental health hospital to get the right help. Screw the costs of health insurance because no one can put a price on your life if you were no longer around for your son and husband.
I would be willing to bet that they would be willing to give up everything they have to get you the help you so desperately need. What you need now is a complete washout of the medications your on and a restart of new ones and have them get to therapeutic levels.I would be willing to say that the vast majority of us here have been where your at now and did the inpatient thing to get the help we needed.
I can speak for myself in that I have been inpatient a few times and came out better for it. Have someone take you to the local ER/Hospital and be honest on the intent of suicide. It would be a sad day to loose yet another one of us because of the unwillingness to get help when we need it. If you can't do it for you...do it for your son and future grand kids.
Eric,
Your reply is very irresponsible. Your heart may be in the right place, but you have no grasp, obviously, of what financial ruin can do to a family. It can be worse than the deepest depression, especially since she has a son whose future she has to take into account. Are you aware, or have you been on Mars for the past 20 years, that medical bills are the leading cause of bankruptcy. Are you aware, or have you been on Jupiter that people who have the hightest credit card bills mostly don't run them up on big screen TVs and designer clothes, but MEDICAL BILLS, and their lives are ruined because employers check their NOW awful credit reports and they can't get jobs because of them -- and it's no just the jobs that deal with money handling, it's any kind of job.
Since you think that she should just throw caution to the wind and let the medical bills pile up when there's no medical insurance, screw it, I suggest that YOU PAY THEM, since it's not an issue to you. It obviously is to her, and she expressed it. Yes, in theory our lives are priceless, but when you look at REALITY, and the fact that a ruined credit report is going to make it even harder for her husband to get a job -- remember in the middle of her post she said she was worried and it could cause depression because her husband was having a hard time finding a full-time job? -- running up the incredibly high price of an inpatient stay in the mental ward isn't the knee-jerk good idea you think it is.
You (99% of you) see, for a lot of us, there are no good answers. It's nice for you to think "Oh, if s/he would just try again, or they didn't get a good diagnosis, or they haven't been to the right doctors, or they have never fired their psychiatrist(s) so they haven't gotten the right medicines, etc. etc. etc. Have you ever thought that there are some people with, I can only speak to Major Depression -- and no, I'm not bi-polar to whomever said that; I've hardly had a happy, much less manic day in my life, nor have I had the irritable moods or any other thing that describes bi-polar, believe me I've researched it all in depth to try to understand because knowledge used to make me feel better -- but have you ever thought that some of use live with a type of whichever mental disease we have that isn't treatable yet? Just because you have been able to feel better and maintain doesn't mean everyone will be able to.
Do you actually have the arrogance to think that the people who have killed themselves would have come to feel better if they had not done it and just tried one more freaking time? Yes, maybe they would have, but then the inevitable hideous lows come again. It's the damn back and forth, back and forth. GET THIS because WE'RE TIRED OF SAYING IT OVER AND OVER. The lows JUST KEEP COMING BACK, and we're TIRED OF THE CYCLE mostly because the LOWS LAST LONGER THAN THE HIGHS, and everytime the lows come back THEY'RE DEEPER THAN THE LAST TIME. That is even borne out in research with refractory depression.
I'm sure you can quote a few stories of people who didn't die after all and who are gloriously happy about it. I used to live in San Francisco and there are a couple of survivors from jumping off of the Golden Gate Bridge who are so happy and "What was I thinking??!! Not dying snapped me out of that!" Well, I've done every suggestion that someone else mentioned, the one who thinks I'm bi-polar, as if someone can tell that from a post -- it takes at least MONTHS if not YEARS to diagnose bi-polar illness (god I'm holding back on calling that person a name). Did you notice that I'm 46 and I said I've been depressed almost all of my life (no ups to mention, no irritability, no hypo-mania, yes, I know all of the jargon)? That would be since age 8. Almost 40 years, and I took myself to a psychologist at age 16. I called the cops at age 16 on my Mom because that house had to change. I called the suicide hotline at age 14 because I couldn't handle that house anymore. I've been working on this for a long, LONG time, and I'm extremely intellingent and resourceful, a lot of times in the face of mental health systems that ironically, iatrogenically (look it up), work against the patient. No, as soon as my cat dies, I'm done.
So Eric, since the cost of medical care isn't a big deal for you, YOU PAY IT FOR HER. And before someone diagnoses someone else from one post, make sure you have enough information. I have never, ever been on a forum that has as many arrogant people as this one, but then I've never been on the bi-polar forum. This thread was included in my Depression Health Central newsletter. I'll make sure I'm more careful about what I bother to read. If it's part of the Bi-polar Health Central network, I'll not bother. I have always found it hard to be around people with bi-polar illness, at least when they're in their non-depression phase, because they think they know everything. I rest my case.
Get out your wallet Eric.
My heart breaks reading the stories of lost ones to Suicide. I have attemped it many times. But thank God I am still here. I learned from a therapist many years ago, that once you try to die, that is the first thing that comes to mind when your bipolar starts to unravel. That was one of the best lessons I ever learned. He taught me how to recognize this negative thinking, and say thank you very much but I don't think so. You have to re-teach your thinking process. That is easier said than done. But it does work. After 12 years I am still here. I have check into the hospital many times over the years, the last time was in 2005. Stepping away from all the stress and relearning cognitive thinking is very important. Making the decision to go in the hospital has to be the hardest things one has to make because it means we have to admit we have lost control of our illness. My love and prayers go out to all who have lost someone to this terrible illness.
Adding to my comments. People say that your Bipolar, but that isn't who you are. Is there really a line between the two? To the rest of the world, life is black or white. But to a Bipolar person most of, if not all our life is colored Gray! It took years of this Doctor or that Doctor to finally have this one special Doctor to actually sit down with me and listen to me..Of course I was on a Psych ward for trying to kill myself. But this Doctor sat with me for what had to be well over 5 hours. Then he starting running test. Blood test, a physical, and tons of questions to answer. Which lead to being diagnosised as bipolar. I spent 4 weeks in the hopital. He put me on Lithium. I was watched for still being suicidal, with feelings of homicidal thoughts, I tell you once the med's starting working, I had to start living with the knowledge of how I raise my 3 children. They had a horrible mother who was completely off her nut. But remember we are as much a victim of Bipolar. I was....and this is hard to say...I was both mentally abusive and also physcially abusive. Lord please be with me as I put these words down in print. I'm not trying to explain my actions...I don't know if there is. Bipolar is to blame. This shows just how disconnected we become from reallity. And people wonder why we try to kill ourselves. The guilt we have to live with from the wrongs we have done. This never leaves us. So when we are going along fat, dumb and happy. Feeling better than we have maybe for the first time. And suddenly something sets you off. And then all the steps forward come to a crashing end. You start thinking everyone would be better off if you were taken out of the equation. That the world wouldn't notice one less person. That your pain of Guilt would stop!! It's really hard to run away from oneself. IT's like being stuck inside someone you don't know, don't want to know, and to just run!! And in order to run away from ourselves is to take Suicide as the answer. I hide and bang my head on the walls, I pull out hairs on my head, I pinch myself until I'm brused. I cut myself to try and feel something other than the mental pain. Any thing to take away the pain from the thoughts running on and on in my head. We don't want to end our lives, and most of us aren't successful..thanks to the grace of God. Most of us do realize somewhere in the haze of our brain..that there must be a better answer. I have taken hands full of sleeping pills in the past to suddenly realize what I've done and don't want to follow through with. Then I run to the toilet and stick my finger down my throat. Then I pray that I have the strength to call the Doctor and ask to go back once again into the hospital. I pray every morning that God will help me be strong and not give in to the suicidal feelings if they do come up during the next 24 hours. My med's work wonderfully, and I am happy to be able to take them. I once again enjoy life most days..but sometimes my bipolar rears it's ugly head, and I am off to the races so to speak. For the people that don't understand what or how Bipolar works..Please thank God that you don't. We never asked for this, we never wanted this. We never wanted to be bad people..We never wanted to hurt our children or anyone else for that matter. But for us..reality is so easy to lose site of. I still strugle with Suicidal thoughts, and most times I don't act on it. But it still happens! Sometimes it comes on so fast that we can't catch it in time to stop it in time. I pray for all of those who lost to this ILLNESS. I know this isn't what they wanted to happen. But sometimes your just not able to run fast enough.
After reading Marie 0956's above post, I realize just how 180 degrees different refractory Major Depression is from bi-polar diseaase. YES, I'm aware there are many different kinds of bi-polar, however, I think I'm safe in saying that bi-polar in any shape or form is always more frenetic than Major Depression, at least my flavor. I have had days where there were a million things to do and so my thinking was going at that pace, but not in the way that Marie describes at all. I've never had suicidal thoughts just hit me out of the blue, nor do I wake up praying that they won't. Her description of the lows is even more dynamic than a Major Depressive feels: from my own experience and from a lot of reading.
Major Depression is generally much more plodding, much more a heavy, scratchy wet wool blanket, infused with clay mud, wrapped in chains, trying to crawl through jello that is set to three times its dense stiffness, with a sinus infection, a migraine on its 10th day complete with head throbbing, the type of nausea you feel right before the runs, and a kind of sadness that is usually associated with losing, all at once, 5 people you love the most in your life, except you just feel the sadness, the gaping sadness. Sometimes its accompanied by guilt, and you don't know why. Or you might attach a reason for the guilt, reasonable or unreasonable. Doesn't really matter, it's the disease. There's so much more to the description, but writing this takes me back to when I couldn't eat and hardly got up to go pee for months on end, and I don't like that feeling.
My life is always a version of that feeling. My life is that horrible low, label that negative 10 (-10), up to zero (0), which is neutral with a smile or two here and there (not even on the same day), but not good. One (1) starts a normal person's life, which is when they feel like shit. The scale for Major Depression is completely different. There's no crossover. It doesn't touch normal. With meds, I go up more towards zero, it's better than -10, but it's no circus. Even the neutral with a smile or two isn't levity. LEVITY AND NORMALCY IS NOT IN MY BRAIN CHEMICALS. I actually understand brain physiology, and in some people IT'S JUST NOT THERE. There are people born with a genetic defect that make them ecstatically happy and affectionate. Don't believe me? Look it up. It's their brain chemistry. Too much Ecstasy can blow out your mind so badly that you CAN'T feel good. It's documented!! So why is it so hard to believe that some people can be born with brains that can't get the dopamine, norepinephrine, and seratonin going like they should, and that modern medicine, which is only about 100 years old (aspirin, which is the first modern drug, was only synthesized in the late 1800s) doesn't have the answer yet??? Some brains just can't get there.
I ACCEPT, FROM EXPERIENCE, THAT I HAVE ONE OF THOSE BRAINS.
WHY CAN'T PEOPLE LIKE YOU BE OK WITH THIS?
IT'S A MEDICAL FACT.
IT'S DOCUMENTED THAT SOME PEOPLE NEVER RESPOND, NOT BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO, BUT BECAUSE THEY CAN'T, TO ANYTHING.
THERE IS EVEN A TYPE OF DEPRESSION THAT IS CALLED A "FUGUE" STATE THAT CAN LAST FOR YEARS. WANT TO PROD THEM TO PLAY TENNIS MR. BI-POLAR DIAGNOSIS? WANT TO CAJOLE THEM BECAUSE THEY CAN'T RESPOND TO MEDICINE?
SOME PEOPLE CAN'T RESPOND TO ANY COMBINATION, TO MEDICINE, TO ANY TYPE OF TALK THERAPY, TO ANYTHING.
YOU ACT LIKE "NO, NO, NO!! THE WAY I DID IT IS THE WAY!! YOU DON'T KNOW THE RIGHT WAY!! YOU DID IT WRONG!! DO IT THIS WAY!!"
OR "YOU DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT DIAGNOSIS!! YOU'RE REALLY THIS OR THAT!!"
HAVE SOME RESPECT! AND YES I'M YELLING WITH THESE CAPS!
SOME PEOPLE -- AND IT'S DOCUMENTED, DON'T RESPOND TO ANY THE TREATMENTS THAT ARE OUT THERE!!
I THINK YOU ARE SO UN-INSIGHTFUL THAT YOU DON'T REALIZE THAT YOU ARE COMING ACROSS LIKE THE PEOPLE WHO SAY THAT MENTAL ILLNESS IS THE PERSON'S FAULT, THEIR CHOICE, AND NOT A DISEASE.
BELIEVE ME, I DON'T FEEL LIKE YOUR VICTIM AND I'M NOT COMING FROM THAT PLACE
I'M PISSED OFF TO SEE THAT IT STILL EXISTS IN THIS DAY, ON A FORUM LIKE THIS!!
(But watch, particularly Mr. Bi-Polar Diagnosis and Eric who are manic right now will forget that I said I don't feel like a victim and if they respond, they will say things that allude to that.)
HOW DISRESPECTFUL CAN YOU PEOPLE BE?!!
THERE WERE FIRST MAOs, WHICH WERE PRETTY HORRIBLE WITH SIDE-EFFECTS, BUT HELPED A FEW PEOPLE. NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
SO THEY MADE TRICYCLICS. BETTER, STILL PRETTY BOTHERSOME, BUT HELPED MORE PEOPLE. STILL NOT ENOUGH THOUGH.
THEN SSRIs. HELPED LOTS MORE PEOPLE! GREAT!! HUGE BREAKTHROUGH!!
THEN SNRIs.
THEN OTHER CLASSES...blah blah EVEN MORE PEOPLE ARE HELPED.
DO I HAVE TO POINT OUT THE PATTERN HERE?
BETTER DRUGS CREATED OVER TIME, AND PEOPLE WHO COULDN'T BE HELPED IN THE PAST CAN BE HELPED AS DIFFERENT CLASSES OF DRUGS ARE CREATED.
THERE ARE THOSE OF US FOR WHOM THE DRUG HASN'T BEEN INVENTED YET.
GET IT???
Prozac enabled me to hold a job for a couple of years starting in 1990, but then it stopped.
I'VE TRIED THEM ALL SO FAR. (Yes Mr. Bi-Polar Diagnosis, with the others peppered in, because they are sometimes used to supplement in teeny doses with depression.)
I MIGHT DECIDE TO TRY SOMETHING ELSE WHEN MY CAT DIES, OR I MIGHT KILL MYSELF. IT DEPENDS ON HOW OK I FEEL AT THAT POINT.
THERE MIGHT BE A DRUG THEN. GET IT???
I HAVE ONE OF THOSE BRAINS THAT THERE ISN'T A TOTALLY SUCCESSFUL DRUG FOR YET, AND I'M PRETTY DAMN TIRED OF TRYING.
HAVE SOME EMPATHY FOR 40 YEARS, IN MY CASE, OF SOMEONE WHO EVERY THERAPIST AND PSYCHIATRIST I'VE EVER WORKED WITH SAYS THEY'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE GENUINELY WORK SO HARD WITH EVERY NEW MEDICINE AND SUGGESTION
WHEN IT DOESN'T WORK, IT JUST DOESN'T WORK.
SOME BRAINS ARE JUST OFF. YOU CAN'T DENY IT.
AND THEY'RE OFF IN SUCH A WAY THAT MODERN MEDICINE ISN'T THERE YET.
STOP LIVING IN FAIRY LAND THINKING THAT IT'S GOING TO BE OK NEXT TIME, AND JUST HANG IN THERE AND KEEP TRYING AND TRYING AND TRYING,
AND STOP THINKING IT'S HUMANE TO ASK SOMEONE TO KEEP DOING SO!
MY GOD IT'S SO INHUMANE!! AND DISRESPECTFUL!!
LET'S SAY HYPOTHETICALLY THAT THE MEDICINE THAT WILL HELP ME WILL BE INVENTED IN 2025. I'M 46, SO I SHOULD TECHNICALLY BE ALIVE THAT LONG, BUT DAMN, I'M NOT GOING TO SUFFER THROUGH 15 MORE YEARS OF THIS, AND IT'S WAY TOO MUCH TO ASK ANYONE IN MY CONDITION TO DO IT. AND I REPEAT, I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING SO IT'S AS GOOD AS IT GETS RIGHT NOW. SOMEONE ELSE IN MY CONDITION MIGHT BE OK WITH IT, BUT I'M NOT, AND IT'S MY CHOICE.
SO LET'S SAY MY CAT DIES IN 2 YEARS. THE DRUG HASN'T BEEN INVENTED, AND I DECIDE TO KILL MYSELF. YOU SAY "BUT MAYBE THE DRUG WILL BE OUT NEXT YEAR!! AND YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!!" YEAH, I DON'T KNOW. BUT MY QUALITY OF LIFE IS SO BAD THAT I CAN'T STAND THIS. COMA PATIENTS' FAMILIES DON'T KNOW IF THEY SHOULD PULL THE PLUG BECAUSE THE CURE MIGHT BE AROUND THE CORNER, BUT THEY STILL DO. ABSENT THE MEDICINE WHEN MY CAT DIES, I'M GOING TO PULL THE PULG. IT'S THE SAME DAMN THING, AND YOU CAN'T ASK SOMEONE WHO HURTS THAT BADLY, WHO HAS TRIED EVERY DAMN THING -- AND DON'T QUESTION THAT VERACITY LIKE YOU KNOW EVERYTHING -- TO NOT DO IT.
PEOPLE IN THIS SITUATION ARE IN A DIFFERENT CLASS THAN OTHERS WHO ARE HELPED BY THE MEDICINES, TALK THERAPY, ECT, AND OTHER THERAPIES OUT THERE TODAY. WE ARE DOCUMENTED. SOME PEOPLE CANNOT RESPOND. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, YOU KEEP CAJOLING, YOU ACT LIKE YOU KNOW BETTER, BUT YOU DO NOT. AND BELIEVE ME, THE FACT THAT YOU CAN FEEL BETTER ATTESTS TO THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN HERE.
WHAT'S WITH ALL OF THE CONVINCING AND CAJOLING AND "BUT YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING -- IT'S YOUR DISEASE TALKING." OF COURSE IT IS! AND THERE'S NOTHING TO FIX IT --THAT'S THE WHOLE DAMN POINT! IF THERE WAS SOMETHING TO FIX IT THERE WOULD BE NO NEED FOR THIS DISCUSSION!!
GET IT NOW??
I'M GOING TO SAY IT AGAIN BECAUSE IT HASN'T HAPPENED TO ANYONE, TABBY OR I, SO FAR:
HAVE SOME RESPECT. YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO FEEL BETTER. YOU HAVEN'T BEEN HERE.
What you guys don't get, and what the manic guy who diagnosed me bi-polar definitely doesn't get, is that I have tried everything, everything that was mentioned, even the meds with the exception of one (because it would have been harmful for me), because sometimes meds for psychosis at very low doses help with Major Depression. At higher doses they really start *ucking us up, which I can attest to, because we tested the borderline. But a very low doses, they help some people with depression. They helped, eh, sorta. I think I wanted them to help more than they actually helped.
I think I said, but I'm not going to go back and look, and I shouldn't have to say again but Mr. Bi-polar Diagnosis must have been in a manic phase and didn't remember, that I feel the best I ever have with a double depression dose of Cymbalta (you can double because it's used as such for fibromyalgia, which I have). I am on that double dose of Cymbalta now. I did also say in the same post that I have tried everything. Naturally Mr. Bi-polar Diagnosis' "everything" is better and more thorough than my "everything" because a bi-polar person who is even slightly manic is always better than everyone else. Am I sounding offensive? Yes, I am. That's how he was to me. I've actually tried more everythings than he listed, but I'm not going to bother because a discussion with someone who is a too-hyper bi-polar, or I should say hypo-manic is impossible.
I thought that those with bi-polar should at least have an idea as to what a lot of (not all -- remember I said NOT ALL) Major Depressives feel like on many days, and we only feel slightly better on other days. It is very different from how you experience depression, and we feel it ALL, 100%, every nanosecond of the time. I know mania isn't always fun, but a lot of the time it can be. We don't even get that. When you guys get your mania tamped down to normal, you kind of don't know what to do. At least you feel normal. We feel like shit ALWAYS. I'm not doing a "My Dog's Better Than Your Dog" contest, I'm saying you don't get, as in understand, Major Depression -- especially to the guy who diagnosed me bi-polar.
When we have to, we Strap it On for the world and act like we feel fine, even GREAT if we have to, a lot of the time, even when we can barely get out of bed to go pee but maybe we're out of meds and have to go to the pharmacy, because we just don't want to talk about it anymore and looking cheery wards off the questions. It's the same story, it's boring now, it's none of your business, and I am tired of repeating myself. Not to mention it's RE-TRAUMATIZING depending on what I'm going through at that time. So don't think you're doing people a favor when you keep trying to get them to talk and they don't want to, by the way.
I'm not reading or posting here anymore. I don't get you guys, and you don't get me. Two completely different diseases and there's one really disrespectful guy (Mr. Know-It-All, But Clearly Didn't Remember What He Read Bi-Polar Diagnosis) who needs to calm down a bit with the assumptions and advice. I'm sure he thinks I'm bi-polar because I'm pissed off. Newsflash: People can be angry without being manic, or any of the other versions of bi-polar you're thinking of. God how irresponsible to say something like that. I'm very versed in depression, and pretty versed in bi-polar because the information is always side-by-side. If he had said that to someone who isn't -- I'm sure he already has -- he could really screw them up.
I need peace. Tabby's post was great. She gets it. We were saying the same thing. But Mr. Bi-Polar Diagnosis, oh, and Eric who must be about 13 with his understanding of the world, family dynamics, employment and employers, and how he just blew off (mmmm, signs of mania) that woman with his insensitivity to medical bills and the complexity of the issue, especially makes this place too frenetic for me.
WOW! is it me? or does anyone else feel they have been slammed by Kitty. I thought this was a safe place to come and share your feelings. Maybe I was wrong. I chose to work on my illness each and everyday. I don't chose to let my illness run me. Yes I am MAD as HELL for what this illness Bipolar takes away from me. I am MAD as HELL for what it has caused me to loose to it. My two sons have nothing to do with me now because of their up bringing. My daughter and I have been able to get pass it. Can you think of anything worse that loosing your children to Bipolar??? Because that is what I have lost. That is what I have to live with each and everyday. My heart breaks for what I've lost and what I have done before being diagnoised correctly. And I am MAD as HELL for someone to come along and tell me I DON"T GET IT!! Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, and blaming others that they just DON'T GET IT!! Take charge of your illness...otherwise you'll never GET IT!! You seem to think WE take this illness lighty...BUT your wrong. How dare you YELL!!! at us. You think your the only one who has hit bottom and couldn't find their way out?? You don't think WE"VE spent years not getting out of bed?? You think your the only one wanted to give up because it would be the easy way out. Well I'm here to tell you just how WRONG!! you are. I may not use ALL your fancy words...But all I know is that you make me MAD AS HELL. Get off your soap box, and stop YELLING!!! at us, and try doing something for yourself. Your MAD as HELL at us, because we are trying to make our lives better. To take charge and stand up for the wrongs we have done to others. We will never be able to make amends to all the family and friends. NEVER!!! So I am telling you, go and be MAD as Hell somewhere else...because we don't need you YELLING at us for your stupidity.
Hi, Marle. You're right. This is supposed to be a safe place. I wrote this sharepost in memory to my good friend, and I am appalled at the comments here. These inappropriate attacks on others are a travesty of my good friend's memory.
I am away at a conference, and can't give matters here my usual attention. I have alerted BipolarConnect, and action will be taken.
In a little while, I will have direct access to the control panel here, and - believe me - I will be making liberal use of the delete button.
John thank you for your reply. I do appologize to anyone I might have offended. I just couldn't sit back and let someone tell me I just Don't Get It. There are 100's of web sites out there for Bipolar, and this was the first one that I felt I could connect with. I felt safe here. I don't think I was wrong to feel this way. Most of the sites out there are Pitty Parties. And I have felt enough Pitty for myself in the past. I was sure I finally found a home. I could share and be shared with. Again John thanks for your writing.
I should have made it more clear that I was directing my reply at Eric and the person I referred to as Mr. Bi-Polar Diagnosis, who I just saw was Steve Bloem (sp?), the person who thought he could diagnose someone from one post as bi-polar.
I certainly wasn't slamming anyone but them, and it was in response to being slammed. I earlier said exactly why someone would commit suicide, because I will when my cat dies. The question was "Why?" and I answered. I was then further repudiated by Eric, and diagnosed and told what to do -- when I have already done all of that and more, by Steve. Ask, don't tell what to do, if you must do any of that kind of thing at all.
I wasn't going to come back here, but again, the link was on the Health Central Depression Newsletter, and I mistook it for another topic. Interesting to see how I got turned into the bad guy when I RESPONDED to being slammed.
But that's how life usually goes. The person / people who first do wrong don't get punished at all, just the person who fights back and makes noise. Shut that person down for sure. Say absolutely nothing to or about Eric or Steve -- I did reference them several times. Typical.
Hello John,
Thank you for posting this.
It seems so many of us are touched by the horror of suicide of loved ones or friends and aquaintances.
I personally lost THREE people to suicide within a matter of 6 months. One was doing great in a bar (NOT A GOOD IDEA FOR ONE ON MEDS BUT LITTLE DID WE KNOW HE HAD BEEN THROWING HIS MEDS IN THE TRASH FOR A WHILE BEFORE IT OCCURRED) and singing happily and laughing, and dancing and even doing KARAOKE (sp?) anyway.....then he proceeded to leave, went out to the parking lot and then shot himself right there in the parking lot...no note, no way to see it coming, yet it made us all feel sooooo at a loss as to WHY?? just as you said WHY???
When I got the call to come, he was only covered up but the body still there afront me with the blood still upon the ground all over and his truck door still open.....so utterly unbelievable.
Then the other two of which i am not ready to even discuss at this point for it was very intense in their method of taking their life...one left behind a 7 month old baby....
so it is really hard for me to talk about the last 2 for such reasons.
THEN just last month a friend of mine (really an aquaintance but i seem to attract like LITERALLY those that are in need of comfort or have some sort of mental disability and i don't know why for often i don't even know them; but anyway she was someone from my library and we just started talking and before I knew it she was disclosing to me she was bp and that she just saw no relief in sight....I offered many forms of relief in coping skills, talk therapy at the place i go even talked to the woman at the m.health center from a phone in back room and set up appt with her for the next week for this new friend....and she seemed so relieved and cried and hugged me and we have become closer and closer....) BUT she then tried to commit suicide TWO DAYS LATER and had to have stomach pumped and survived....but is only a partial part of herself (her words not mine) and thinks often of trying it again .....has yet to seek therapy a doc just doses her with meds but no therapy to speak of...I personally think that is vital!! BUT she is still with us thank GOD for that.
MY POINT is how sad that we have so many that we loose in life to such indescribable pain inside themselves. Something we can't see and help with....it is utterly devastating to those of us "left behind" to try and fit the pieces together.
I too have had those thoughts like Eric explained of not getting "even" or lashing out to others, but simply a sense of worthlessness and what am I offering kinda mentality....many thoughts, no plans though but have entertained the way i would go about it and when in that state of mind you simply do not think anyone would care but be better off without dealing with your illness or you in general
.....at least that is MY experience in the mentality....I do not think it is a spiteful thing, and def. NOT rational thinking ....but then again we teeter from rational to irrational quite a lot......so it is a danger to us all to even think such things for often FAR to often they transpire.....yet i know we don't control that per say and it will inevitably rear its UGLY head again......
Oh the pain i read on here....the sorrow....and if i had one single thing to say to ease any of it I would. I can only say.....we are never in the mind of the one committing the act, we can not know if they are lucid or if they are in a state of mind where they don't realize the FINALITY of it all per say.....and they should be promptly and if at all possibly completely forgiven for they knew not what they were doing. THAT is MY PERSONAL opinion.
Thanks John for introducing this topic. So many of us touched by it and so many still in such pain and sorrow, as I am too over my three friends and the one attempted for i so want to help and yet know not how.........it seems so many needed to share or vent or seek comfort in depicting their experiences with those they loved or cared about seeking another means of exiting this life.
I found myself with tears streaming down while reading some of the posts. I hurt for those hurting and hurt myself for the losses of great people who touched my life in so many positive ways, oh the things they still had to offer........
what a sad posting.......
I wish you all healing of the heart and an understanding that those who left this world in such a way had no idea the pain they were leaving behind for those they loved and cared for.
With loving hope that none of us have to experience such a situation again...
ctrygirl
i wish i had the balls to complete. if i didn't have monkeypants i would complete. i keep trying and trying and f**king up and i wish to god i had the balls to go the the train too or drink the can of lysol i just bought.
hey there. i lost a best friend yesterday who suffered from bi-polar and an uncle just last year to suicide. in both cases it could have been avoided if they could have found help or just battled thru the feeling of ending all pain, sorrow, hardship. I know today they wish they had the opportunity to hit the rewind button. i'm sorry to hear of your intent to be interested in this path yet it is understandable as i have found it is more common than i had ever realized. Suicide is a life ending solution to a short term problem. you are loved by many even if it is not felt. I can talk to you about this and their issues if you would like. I can be reached at at mikeandmiatexas@gmail.com. even though i don't know you sometimes this is easiest to discuss your issues.
-Mike
Please don't follow through on your feelings!! We may not know each other, but I want you to know We all have a great love for one another who are willing to open their hearts here and share with each other. I want you to Know how important you are to me!! Please share your thoughts and feelings with us. Let us know whats going on in your life. We can't afford to loose one more to this horrible thing called Bipolar. Reach out and pick up that phone and call 911, get someone to take you to the emergency..and have them stay with you...there is always a better answer out there. Don't leave us..PLEASE!! I am always checking this site to see if anyone has written anything new...I will be looking for you!! I am reaching out my hand to you...reach out and take it...You are cared about.
Sug... you know I get it. I get it about the constant effort to fight this insidious disease and the weariness & heaviness it brings on. I get it - the feeling of the never ending pain this thing causes. I so do and I understand why folks with Bipolar do commit suicide... I've been near if not on that edge myself many many times.
A lot of folks, that simply don't understand will say it's the easy way out - the coward's way out. Yet, it takes desparation for the pain to cease and energy and courage to decide that to die is better than to live. It's not "the easy way out".
It is literally as hard and as painful a struggle to decide to die (for the vast majority of those) rather than to live as it is, in the midst of all the darkness and pain - to decide to live and give it another shot. It is a life and death struggle as to what to choose and both are equally, toe to toe hard decisions to make when your mind is so sodden with the heaviness.
Yet... by you responding here to John's post means that little thing, deep down inside, is screaming for survival and for help. It wants you to take another shot at chosing to live. It doesn't want to die, it wants another shot to see - just see - if things lighten up and brighten up.
Folks don't get that some of us just live day by day, battling with the disease, battling with the meds, just to get to that next pendulum swing upward. Oh for the love of that next swing upward. Even if it is just a slight swing, it means air and it means light.
Would you... please... choose to fight for life and go 1 more time to your local emergency center? You may have done this several times before but you know... it will give your mind a chance to breath, will give you some rest, and will bring about maybe even the slightest little swing upward and sometimes that little swing upward is like water to a parched man in the desert. A swing upward, even the size of a mustard seed, sometimes is a blessed gift.
Would you try 1 more time to seek help at your local emergency room? All it takes is the willingness and desire to just try 1 more time - each time - to seek some sense of help - even if it only lasts for a while. The while will give your mind a rest and give you a chance to catch your breath and well... this is better than what you are hoping for otherwise at the moment.
I too don't want to lose another to this insidious disease, not by suicide, even though I understand where the mind is at the moment.
Would you, for yourself and for us, listen to that which is way down deep & go to your local emergency room?
hi iam lory in michigan
my brother shot himself to death i keep going over that day
in my head i am bipolor and so was he but he would not go get any
help for this he diden't want to know he was only 53 years old he killed himself on a thursday wasen't found till saterday it was real bad there was no head left
myself i am left with the big word WHY . it just happen this week tommorow the day we lay what 's left of him to rest thanks for your time . lory in michigan
I am sorry about your friend and understand all too well your pain. 2 of my brothers have killed themselves, one just this past Dec. 21, the night of the lunar eclipse.
I have written about it under the category of 'suicide' in my blog > http://MyFriendBipolar.com/ I hope it helps bring some new perspective to others suffering with a loved one's suicide, whether or not they had bipolar.
Much peace!
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My sister Cyndi had read a book my wife Robyn and I wrote. It is called Broken Minds Hope for Healing When You Feel Like You're Losing It. She ordered about 20 copies to give away. She was proud at us for getting my depression out in the open. She had bi-polar disorder and for years my wife Robyn and I (and our kids) tried to snatch her from the dark clutches of mental illness. She lived in Florida and we lived in Michigan. She visited my parents in Michigan a month before she shot herself and we spent time with her.
I am a pastor and a mental health clinician but she hid her dark thoughts from me.
Two days before the act I had called her and talked to her about some problems that she was having with her children.
She made a veiled comment about "taking less responsibility" in regards to her children. I mentioned it to my Mother, but I did not think it warranted a response. While she was with my parents and me she would put her finger up to her head as a gun. I missed it again.
Cyndi used hollow point bullets and had checked the internet about how to commit suicide without being self maimed.
I think we can do suicide prevention. I think we should talk about the suicide at the funeral. But the guilt we must put aside. A suicide is like a perfect storm. Stressors in environment, alcohol and drug abuse as well as the biology of mental illness all
intersect to set the stage for suicide.
I have had depression for over twenty years. Suicide is a great temptation for me
when I am in an episode of depression. Robyn and I are dedicated to help those who are in the throes of mental illness, http://www.heartfeltcounselingministries.com
Steve Bloem - co-author of Broken Minds and the CAMI support group for mental illness.
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