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Living in the Present is the only way I try to live now. I don't try to make plans for tomorrow, a week from now, or even a month from now. Well, there is one exception to this rule, and that is my Pdoc's appointment. My husband and I have pretty much lived this way for the past 14 years. This is when I ended up in the hospital for almost a month. I am not Bipolar 1, nor bipolar 2, nor unipolar. I have what we call Bipolar-Schizo. I am a very rapid cycler, I can have many in one day. It's like walking through a doorway, turning around and coming back out. I have ptsd..I had the pleasure of withnessing a murder a little over twenty years ago. This on top of my childhood. I experience Audio and Visual hallucinations. I will also experience homicidal feelings in a mild form. This is why I know I can never go off my med's. If anyone is following my post everyday, you will know that I am being weaned off of Seroquel. This is a must...BUT also a very scary thing to do. But the Doctor, my Husband and I believe it must be done for my health. It will be a very long weaning, probably atleast eight weeks. We have to protect the brain at all cost. A rapid weaning could send me into a psychotic break. I'm still in the three digit mgs, when I get down to the double digits we will start introducing a new anti-psychotic drug.
Peanut Butter! Once in awhile I get this Big urge to grab a spoon and take a big scoop of peanut butter. I don't care for it much..I lived on pbj sandwich's growing up. So instead I'll make cookies, home made not store bought. Sometimes they don't make it into the oven...yes I admit I love the cookie dough..LOL It makes me happy, and yes I do make the cookies...they are my husbands favorite. Everyone should do it if it will bring a smile to their face. Just don't do it very often..or you will watch the pounds pile on. So I try to do something everyday that will bring a smile to mine and my husbands face. It could be watching our bostons running their energy off. Looking at pictures of our beautiful grandsons. Holding hands and taking a walk. Taking pictures of all the blooms coming out on the cactus's here in Az. Going to a movie we've been wanting to see. Being able to not giving into a sudden urge of uncontrolable anger. Yes once it pass's we both can smile at it.
My best advice to everyone is to try to fine beauty in something small each day. It's out there, just look carefully, you'll find it. That's way easier said than done. I can go months not seeing them. But once I start making the turn upwards, it's amazing all the things I missed to smile at. I hope everyone fines their smile today.
After I posted my Living in the Present, I re-read it. I began to think that it reads as if I over-simpified life. By no means take it this way. I lost alot over the years. I lost my two sons due to my disorders. I do hope they think of me once in awhile. They are never far from my thoughts, and are always in my heart. We have lost friends over the years because of my disorders. But my husband reminds me that maybe they were never really friends to start with. Since we've moved to Az and live in a 55 and over Resort we have made amazing friends. They know of my disorders and have excepted me for who I am. I am no longer on the outside looking in, and this is so amazing. But I still can help waiting for the other shoe to drop. They are snowbirds, and flew back home in April. We are waiting for them to fly back in October. So I write lots and lots of e-mails. I don't talk on the phone...it's a phobia I have. I get very nervous and start speed talking and nothing I say makes any sense.
I know that we have all lost precious things because of our disorders. I just try very hard not to think of them anymore. If I did, I would never be able to get out of bed. I might not even be here anymore. So I take life one day at a time, hours at a time, min's at a time. It just depends on how I am feeling. So find the good things in your life and smile, even if it is only in the inside.
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John,
Strawberries and tigers in Asia and peanut butter and mountain lions in North America. This would have been a good place for a link to your video: "Mindfullness - Living in the Present."
No discussion about presence is complete without mentioning the effects the past has on the present and future. While it is true past experiences are great teachers, many of us carry the lessons with us, as well as the emotional burden. A traumatic experience like a dog bite at an early age may have a person fearfull of dogs for the rest of their life. The sight of an uncontrolled dog brings back the memory and emotional content of that early encounter. The person has identified themselves with the child they used to be and has related that emotional experience with the present moment, a moment that is vastly different, and the future possibilty based on what was learned in the past, dogs bite.
The same is true with past negative experiences due to Bipolar Disorder. While we can learn from the past the emotional baggage continues to disrupt the present experience and creates worry and anxiety about future possibilities. We do not consider that at this moment we have changed, have grown in knowledge and skills, we just react emotionally, based on a mental and emotional image that no longer has a context in the present moment. We allow an emotional past without a basis in our current knowldge to control our present and future. In a truly present moment there is no past or future. Let go of your past. Let go of your future.