All me life, during my depressions that seemed to never end, I'd repeatedly said "I just want to be happy.  Why can't I just be happy?  I just want happiness even for just one brief moment, some happiness is all I want." to never get it.

When young, I didn't know what happiness was exactly but I knew what it wasn't and it wasn't what I was living in and through each moment.  Some days I'd literally feel as though I'd go mad hearing the clock hands ticking (still do some days), knowing that each tick was one second less of my life and that each tick lost was spent in something far less than happiness.  That elusive, never to be, happiness that I could just see the tail edge of as it flitted around a corner on the far horizon.

Now that I've grown much older and survived many things and have come out of many other things on to the other side... I no longer seek or desire happiness.  It just simply isn't for me to have.  I have grown both contented and yet complacent in what there is of my life.

Yet, in being contented and complacent - there lies conflict still.  I am contented with all there is and yet have fallen into complaceny (?sp) which causes unrest in still wanting... something better. 

Instead of desiring happiness, I desire only better.  It's a much smaller thing to ask and yet, still ever as elusive as the happiness I once so desparately sought.