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I am most frightened when I get sick, and when I am under pressure. My doctors say that as a bipolar person, I can't handle stress. When I get sick, it happens so suddenly, like night and day, and during the process, I am paralyzed by fear. When I am sick, I imagine all kinds of scary things, like people want to hurt me, and that I can identify people who are evil and that the world is against me. That's because I get a little schizoid when I have a manic episode. My mania combined with a delusion of persecution equals fear. I don't hallucinate, but I have delusions of grandeur. My case worker said again today that I'm just bipolar when normal.
I'm well now, but still afraid of what's going to happen to me when my husband dies--he's got terminal cancer, and I'm afraid of my father, who was very abusive when I was growing up, on into my 30's. I am confident and outgoing, and don't really fear social situations, but some people reject me when they know I'm bipolar. THEY'RE afraid, too. There is so much fear on all sides.
Everybody says I'm doing great, and I am, but moving from point A to point B, like you said, will take a trust in God. He has loved me and helped me all of my life, and I know that whatever happens, He loves me. That provides me with incredible comfort. I don't go to church, but I meditate when I'm afraid, and read spiritual books. My husband is my best psychiatrist and friend, so I've been blessed. I consider myself a loving and loved person, and I have good self esteem. When I am functioning in a good place, and I happen to be afraid of something (driving, for instance) I force myself to do what I'm afraid of until I get it right.
I'm new to this site, and have been verbose. Is there anything I'm doing wrong? Are my responses too long winded? Please advise, because this is the first time I've tried to participate in a group discussion of any kind on the computer. Thanks for sharing! SweetLynnie
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I was thinking about this very subject today.
I have experienced it and seen it with family members and people I know
that are " in the business " .
And something about this fear thing as related to our bio chemistry.
How is it that the SAME PERSON can be one who SEEKS OUT social situations ,
takes risks , has an outgoing personality , etc, etc, that SAME PERSON suddenly ,
or maybe gradually , becomes ... withdrawn , socially uneasy , rigid , we all know
the drill.
I think it goes beyond the psychological.
When my moods are in the safe yet above normal range I feel at ease
and even able to think easily and clearly. The fear factor is way way down.
More Later
That's been a puzzle for me, too. I've always thought that my paralizing social anxiety juxteposed with my outgoing, effervescent self- with another intense, edgy, irritable and impatient self were all signs of a messed-up conflicted PERSONALITY, and most definitely MY fault! That all this could be, to some degree anyway, due to my bio-chemistry has been very difficult to accept, even while I would love to have some respite from the self-loathing that seems to dominate.
"A physical illness with a psychological effect..." says Dr Kay Jamisen (sp?). How do we weave our way through this tangled web with anything like understanding, or self-acceptance? It's still very confusing for me.
You stated that VERY well. If you don't write regularly you should because you furthered my idea eloquently.
The self loathing aspect. That also seems to arrive as an unannounced guest when the mood starts its' downward descent , AND can just as easliy be non existent when we are back in the saddle. Yet ... we are still the same person. I am no smarter , richer , or better looking today in my normal mood than last week . But every imperfection comes to the forefront of our minds when we engage in ... " Comparative Thinking " .
When I say we I mean me.
Again ... A very well written response. ( take THAT self loathing !! )
Just wanted to say thanks, 1whocares. I'd like to write more....
I had an observation written and tried to post it but the computer/server (actually, the entire website died just then) ate it up and I lost my thought, or my desire to re-create it!