I feel as if it is the alien me. I was diagnosed with major depression with psychosis symptoms and bi polar about six years ago. I was a REALLY hard time in my life and the people close to me. I couldn't explain who or what I had become, let alone make them understand. I felt so hopeless. All I did was sleep and hide away from the world because I was never sure what my mood would be. I have come along way in dealing my alien self. People have come to accept me and my moods and have learned to read me pretty well. Just recently I have been diagnosed with hypomania. Matter a fact it was today that my doctor told me this. I have been going without sleep or 18 hours or less for days. I have never done drugs, but it feels like what people that do drugs say that happens to them. Extremely energetic, full of happiness, and many running thoughts. I am scared because I was at the other end of the spectrum when I was originally diagnosed and now this. Am I ever really going to be the real me or was I ever. It saddens me to not know who I am or who I will ever be!
It has been with me since my teens (I'm 50 now). I don't know anything else. A family member commented that she wished I was "normal." I don't know what normal is. If I could be normal, I wouldn't even know how or really want to be. I agree that when I am happy, my family is constantly bringing it to my attention and asking if I am manic! Or even ask if I've taken my meds. People don't let me be happy or anything close to it because I'm always being reminded of the illness so what's the point? 
I believe there are hundreds of misdiagnosed patients labeled bipolar. Those that are misdiagnosed wear it like a badge, a pass and a trump card used in varying degrees to excuse some of their behavior. Like for instance. It is pay day... on the 3rd of the month (SSD), on that day every month suddenly there is mania and the day after it has been blown on drugs and gambling it is suddenly depression for the rest of the month... sucking everybody dry financially etc. Makes you think.
ABSOLUTELY!! I am not judging I have lived with this problem with a family member. I experience it daily, weekly, monthly and yearly for ten years. Again bipolar is an extremely over diagnosed and misdiagnosed illness. There needs to be intense psychiatric counseling and not just meds. Counseling on a weekly basis and accountability! By the way I have two very dear friends who are truly bipolar.. the comparison and heart attitude of these women are of such depth. They want to be informed that they are beginning to cycle... big difference when one truly works at being whole.... not normal but whole. Perhaps if more were court ordered for counseling weekly the game would not be as intense. Hang in there kiddo and do try to concentrate on others and not yourself. God bless.
That is a very judgemental thing to say and comparing two people with bi polar with each other is not a good idea. Some people are more high functioning than others. Being mis diagnosed can be devastating. Just because you allow a family member to behave badly and get away with it, does not mean all people who are mis dianosed do the same. (Does that sound judgemental?) Having a family memeber and having a couple of bi polar friends doesn't make you capable of diagnosing. It is already hard enough to get into see a therapist. A court order would just waste everyones time when the person doesn't/won't go. Some patients are more "self aware" than others. Some people don't see that their actions affect those around them. Maybe tough love is in order.
You continually use the word judgemental. I am not comparing nor am I judging. I am observing 3 different people in my inner circle who have "bipolar". Tough love... a 30ish tough love? You still don't get it... being bipolar is not who you are. However aiding an indivdual and constantly affirming their illness is not going to make the individual want to use other tools... as in self control and engaging in others instead of self. You do realize that if you are truly Bipolar or disabled in anyway, shape form or fashion you must help yourself get better and not feel you are being judged. Move forward and get the help you need... but don't use it as a crutch.
Having Bi polar disorder is difficult. It is difficult enough to deal with on a personal level, but society does judge those with mental illness, like it or no. Again, there are varying degree's to every diagnosis. Not everyone is able to use all of their tools all the time. I am lucky to be a high functioning person, who pays close attention to what is going on with me. I call my psych, or therapist when I think something seems off, or getting out of control. But it takes discipline. I have a lot of tools, and sometimes, it is just difficult to even open the lid to the box, much less use a tool. It is quite easy for someone to say that the illness is not who or what you are when they don't have it. If I get mad about something and yell, or get upset and cry, how do you think it makes me feel when I am asked if I took my meds today? When any undesireable feeling comes up, and you are asked if you are losing it enough times, you start to feel that the bi polar is part of who you are or who you have become. I don't get the luxury of just having a bad day. It is a double standard. You may think you are not trying to be judgemental, but it comes off as just that.
Well said Julie..this is a very sensitive subject for many ...I am a 42 yr old wife and mother who has been living this for decades.. and I know many people with BPD self medicate with drugs and alcahol, but many dont. I also was offended by the statement momentarily but I am glad it was written. When I do venture to a gathering of friends or family I have learned to handle the inevitable friend or family member who wants to loudly discuss Bipolar Disorder or the classic debate of Medical Illness vs. Its all in their Heads. There are certain venues for discussion of sensitive subjects and this site is one of them. So I applaud all of you speaking out here whether you are BPD or not. Now when I attend a large gathering of people I sit and watch the "normal" people drink and act just as eratic as any bipolar having an episode....we are all wonderfully flawed human beings..happy holidays all
Again, you are not bipolar and this forum is where bipolar people come for help and support, not to listen to people that have negative ideas on how bipolar behavior is percieved. Your problem is with people misdiagnosed with bipolar. Just because you have lived with one bipolar person for 10 years does not make you an expert on this disorder and quite frankly it is disrespectful to make such statements so broadly which does not help the situation. If you are here to help then this is not the way. Do some more research on bipolar behavior before posting again.
Mia, It is apparent my status and opinion has opened a reality that you don't want to hear or read about. Is it not quite probable that there are many misdiagnosis? Wouldn't it be wonderful if at the very least it helped those who have been misdiagnosed and they have suspicions of their diagnosis would benefit. You are absolutely correct that I am commenting on the problem of misdiagnosis and not the true bipolar diagnosis. Do not let it offend you since you are not in the first category. My apologies if you "PERCIEVE" that I am not affirming your disability. I do applaud you for sustaining and working thru this disease. However you are so wrong about what I say is being uninformed. Sometimes in the darkness someone wants to bring light into their thoughts and stretch them. encourage them and their loved ones that maybe just maybe there is a better way. You have a blessed Christmas and beautiful new year. I will do as you requested and not post.
I don't need you to affirm or deny my disability which is the point. People are misdiagnosed, I am sure of it. But who are you to come on here, a place where we that are diagnosed (accurately or not) come for help and have to read disrepectful undeducated people like we deal with every day in our every day lives. BE PART OF THE SOLUTION.
I am not affirming or denying that you have problems. If you are sure of patients being misdiagnosed then why the outcry? You are being disrespectful to my opinion and you are attacking me personally without knowing anything about my education or career (psy. by the way). There is not one person whom I have helped that has ever complained about my discernment or approaches. I pray about every individual and situation and trust me I never ever have injured their spirit. I believe you need to educate yourself to possibilities of wholeness and spiritual advantages that are available to you. Again I came in peace and wanting an open dialogue concerning this issue. Would it be wrong to say "stop your defensiveness and self pity"?
We do not want to be Bi-Polar. We do not enjoy being Bi-Polar. It is a disease, like any other disease...a disease of the brain. When someone tells you they have cancer, how do you feel? Do you feel sympathy for them? How about when you see a child with autism or a person with any physical, visual handicap. Can you imagine having Bi-Polar disease. Nope...you can't, just like most of the other "normal" world. What is "normal" anyway and who is "normal". Who gets to the judge of that???? We are very intelligent people. We deserve what society thinks a "normal" life. We do not deserve judgemental "normal" people analyzing our every thought and emotion. We deserve help like anyone else who has a disease as well as compassion, love and understanding. Now, since I am medicated...you are lucky I posted such a nice comment to your stinky post!
Ok. Lori, you further my point. I had polio when I was a child. I walked with braces until I was 16 married had three children one of whom died of medulla blaustoma at 12 years of age and now I am grandmother and in a wheelchair. Our disabilities should not be who we are. How horribly grim if we introduced ourselves as, "hello I am crippled and by the way I have a name and I need to show you how difficult it is for me to move into my wheelchair from bed and get to the bathroom without peeing my pants.... on and on". Get over yourself and move on, get involved, speak if you have to but just interact without wearing BP on your tongue, your license plate blah blah blah. Shame on those who enable those who need to learn and use other tools besides the meds, the long stories of "nobody knows the trouble I've been thru"!!! OMG!!
I do not TELL people I am Bi-Polar, only my family knows. I DO NOT wear it as a badge. I cannot reveal it to the world...I cannot be me in the world. If I was...I would be rediculed and judged as a nut-case. Do you have that fear? My question was...do you sympathize with people who have VISIBLE Disabilities? Do you? Have people given you sympathy? No-one gives a Bi-Polar person sympathy, and honestly...I don't want sympathy. I lost my job over having an episode in June. My employer found out I was Bi-Polar and fired me. I was an excellent employee and ran an office. My episode over non-work related issues. Anxiety attacks that lasted 3 hours for 4 days in a row. You see, I cannot reveal myself as Bi-Polar or I won't have a job..in spite of my disability. I am a Grandmother with Bi-Polar. OK...so what? I want to be treated as any other person. This whole discussion was directed to Bi-Polars asking if the disease is the real you. It is the real me - but I don't like it. This is why I choose to be medicated. My brain...it does not sort out stressful situations without the medication....... Are you a Troll? Get off the Board. Your stressing me out! Not a good place for you to pi&& people off.
further, I am a High Functioning Bi-Polar. I am aware of the way I act around people and think about it constantly....in order to behave. I am not the type who is involved in risky behavior. I am the emotional type rapid cycling Bi-Polar who was just diagnosed in 2008 after years of being told by a family doc that I was just depressed. I am not Bi-Polar I or II, although I would never judge them. We are all different. This is a very difficult disease. The mood stabilizer I take is the best thing ever...and is right for me. It took 10 years of wrong medication to finally figure it out and now my Psych has me stable. I am very thank-ful.
IF you are educated in Psychology, I would never go to you. Your arrogance is beyond reproach. This is a place for people with an illness to come to talk to each other about issued that deal with a disease. You came to make an observation about misdiagnosed patients and how they "act" and compare them to bipolar behavior. This in itself is disrespectful to the group as we that are truely bipolar are dealing with this seriously and have enough people (doctors, friends, family, employers etc.) coming up with excuses or avoidance to keep us out of society. We don't need you on this forum if you are not here to help. That is my only issue or concern with you and your statements. Especially since you are not even bipolar yourself.
Hi Lori: I am Mia. I am Bipolar I and have been for twenty years or so. However, I was only diagnosed correctly last year. I loved my manic phases a little too much, superwoman, if you know what I mean. It's my depressive phases that get me into serious trouble. There has been two times where I had both at the same time. Not a cool thing to happen to you. I ended up in the hospital and lost everything pretty much and ended up living with my family and now am on the right meds, I have a great therapist and begining the process for rehabilitation for returning to work. I have never had a real future in my mind, I never thought I would make it. Now things are looking better for once. I hope to visit with you again sometime.
Merry Christmas!
Arrogance? Depends on your reality, dependency or what que you have decided to place your self in. Beyond reproach? So you are saying you are comfortable with no one questioning or encouraging you to leave the labels behind and move forward. Perhaps thou protest way too much. Someone must have brought this up to you in the past and there may be a hint of truth to this discussion. By the way, the adminstrator hasn't banished me from posting... but it's okay cause I am done. Peace!!
We have a condition that is not acceptable to the society and ourself. The fact that we are aware of the dissatisfaction means we are not the condition. This "awareiness" or "thoughfullness" is proof that we are not our condition. The opportunity and hope of recovery all hinge on this fact and nuroplasticity.
I am a Cyclothymic Bi-Polar who does quite well on Lamictal. When not medicated, my type of Bi-Polar causes me to go up and down(cycle)all day, everyday, or maybe cycle up one week and down the next. Up and down. One never knows what they will get from me. When I am un-medicated and I am down, my mind is not clear and many different stimulus set me off. I am a perfectionist and cannot handle dis-organization. I can learn very quickly how to push your buttons and put you in your place. If things are not running smooth for me, I feel as if my day has become a catastrophe, I'll be in a bad mood, start to have anxiety attacks and then the IBS kicks in. Some days, I feel as if I can conquer the world and am very social - bubbly, the life of the party, will go like the energizer bunny and wear myself out. I'll make off the wall comments. Other days(or weeks), I want to just stay in my house and not be around people....let the world pass me by, sleep. The ordinary becomes montanous and I don't want to deal with it. I am a night owl.
It is who I am. I don't like the real me. It more so started in my late 20's, although I can tell you I have always been a button pusher as far back as I can remember....the real me likes to shock people. Thank-goodness for Lamictal. This fantastic drug keeps me stable, in a straight line and able to keep my mood in check. I am happier in a straight mood. I am able to accomplish more and fit in normally in social situations.
I went on Lamictal when I switched psych's 3 years ago. It made a huge difference. I was on Lithium and a host of anti-depressants when I got to her. 8 months ago, we decided to do a med "reset" of sorts. It was so difficult to tell what was doing what anymore. I went off everything but Lamictal. It was so nice to "feel" feelings again. But, it finally was too difficult for me and my family for me to not be on something for the anxiety. But, my mood was under control. I started Lamictal 5 years after being diagnosed with Bi polar II. I started to see a therapist about a year after starting Lamictal. She asked about my diagnosises. After a few sessions, she commented that she didn't think I displayed any sypmtoms of Bi polar. I told my doctor, and she said that is the biggest compliment a patient with bi polar disorder could ask for. (I did stop seeing that therapist because she kept pushing me to go to her head ache school when she found out I suffered migraines.)
I have noticed that my personality changes depending on the medication I take. Being on the Lamictal, and Topimax now as well, along with a minimal dose of Zolof for some anxiety issues that wreak havok on my family, makes life easier on all of us. Do I wish I could be more like "my old self"? I guess yes and no. If we need the drugs because of a chemical imbalance in our brains, does taking the meds that stabilze us bring us to where we would be if we were "normal"? I do not know the answer to that question, I have never thought of it until writing this. Now I have something to ponder for a while.
I can relate. I was messed up on a host of anti-depressants over the years by my family physician. Finally went to a psych after my mother convinced me to do so. The anti-depressants were not the right thing for me, made me lathargic and gain a bunch of weight. I feel better on Lamictal than I have for many years. I am singing Praises to The Lord for this wonderful Blessing! I do also take 1 Librax a day for anxiety. It works for me, as I am not very drug tolerant and if fact...am not one who cares for putting anything un-natural into my body. But, I am feeling great...my mood is healthy for me and my family so I will keep following my Psych's directions.
Oh, the weight gain and lethargy that went along with the anti-depressants was unreal for me. But I had been on them so long, I hadn't realized what had happened. If it weren't for a church member who had a doctor do that for his medications for health problems, my husband brought it up that maybe we should try it. I was really scared. But, it is one of the best things I have done since going on the meds. Having a psych is really important. They only deal with this stuff. They are medical doctors and medical doctors can prescribe the anti depressants, but a psych has an intimate understanding of the wide variety of possiblities out there. I also am very drug sensitive. I usually am on the lowest dose, and for a number of things, I was under the theraputic dose. But, luckily, all that is under the bridge. After going off all of my meds (except the Lamictal) I have now lost 40lbs. I still have a ways to go, but no matter how well a med may work, if I gain weight on it, it has to go. I found a great theapist that I am working with now who backs up that thought. I finally feel like I am getting to a good place again!
Oh me oh my.
I've been watching this post and the replies. Oh me oh my.
I have Bipolar, Bipolar I to be precise. I have, given the right mix, Bipolar I with Psychotic Features. I state this so no one will question as to whether I "understand" what it is to live with the disorder and all it's interesting twists and turns.
That all being stated up front: I can not disclose the disorder to anyone outside my family and honestly... family and I no longer ever discuss it. We simply never ever bring it up.
I manage my disorder best I can. They go on about their lives best they can. When something happens and I may need them... I don't ask, I know better and they appreciate that better.
It's a thing my family and I have... we simply do not discuss it and well... unless I have to IP again... I'm left to myself to manage and control this insidious disorder so I best damn well figure it out on my own. I have no caregivers and I have no caretakers. I simply have none.
It's just me, I'm my own caregiver and caretaker - responsible for taking my meds, going to the pros, doing the ongoing therapy I've done for nearly 20 years off and on. They don't ask and I no longer tell. They don't want to know and I no longer care that they don't understand.
I certainly can not disclose it to any employers. I do work. I could go the disability route but I make the choice not to. I have issues at work and I have episodes that occasionally affect my work but I try darn hard not to let it. Still, it does and I try darn hard to make up for it when I'm well.
If I'm let go because of a situation... then I'm let go. I don't sit and dwell on the fact that I have Bipolar and they let me go. I don't sit and ponder "Why couldn't they understand and allow it?" The world doesn't work that way as of yet.
You have Bipolar... you are seen as mentally unfit and unstable by a very large degree of people. You disclose... odds greatly are that you'll have trouble at work.
I want to be treated like all others and if I'm having attendance issues due to depression (not mania or hypomania - employers love me then until it gets really weird)... then I deserve to be let go. I could've gone and got a med tweak... saw a pdoc and got a note... or just pulled myself up and went.
Kinda takes away the easy excuse of "I'm Bipolar and you can't blame me or hold me accountable." It's choices made.. everyone makes choices either while well or sick.. still it's choices made and whatever they are.. consequences happen.
I know.... that will make folks so angry.
I have sympathy and I have lots of empathy for someone undergoing a episode. I know the nightmare, I know the battlefield. I don't have to agree with all the particulars BUT I do understand the warfare.
Bipolar is not me, nor am I it. It is a part of me, no doubt about it but, it is not me and it is not who I am. It causes all types of havoc, got to admit. Yet, I'm very much so many more and so very much - many more parts than just Bipolar.
In my opinion, once you start seeing Bipolar as being "you" then you've given the disorder the license to rule and control you. It has the authority to do whatever it chooses to you and you lay there and allow it.
You dwell constantly on your thoughts and feelings, numb yourself constantly on meds or drugs and booze (btw, I've done the drugs and the booze in my time), constantly speak of it all day long and wail how folks don't understand you. Once you reflect that it is "you" then well... you are Bipolar instead of a human being who has a disorder called Bipolar that is treatable with medications and - believe it or not - therapy!
When you constantly sit and dwell on what you don't have, who doesn't understand you, who doesn't agree with you, who doesn't get that you have a MI and why can't they just leave you be because of it... then you dwell and allow it to rule. The more it rules, the less you progress.
I deal with my individualized and highly customized form of insidious insanity 24/7. Some days I succeed wonderfully. Some days I barely live to see nightfall. Some days I just sit and cry.
Yet, I still live and I try everyday not to allow it to rule me. It is only one piece, one parcel of me like that of my seizures now. I am not Bipolar nor am I my seizures. They do not "rule" me - wreak havoc and chaos, oh my but rule? No.
This is a first post for me. I am 57 years old and have lived with bipolar for 25 years. I believe this is how God has wonderfully made me. I do not believe you can define normal. In 1985 I went though a seven month depression without drugs. In 1988 my wife left me for another man. To fight the down I fasted and prayed. I had a God meeting. Society placed me in an institution with no choice but to take lithium. A three week stay and back into society. Shortly after went cold turkey no drugs.
In 1996 another elevation of my spirit (Mania). Another three week stay against my will. I was court ordered to stay on Depicote. Before first bottle was gone I went cold turkey on Depicote.
There have have been a couple of manic episodes followed by depression but always followed by a normal function.
I am a selfemployed business owner. When I tell people I am bipolar they are very suprised. When I tell them I am med free they are astonished.
I have not used drugs for my condition and have no plans to use them.
There is a lot more to my story and God willing I will complete the book I have started.
For those of you who can not function with out drugs that is your choice. You have gifts that many normal people do not have.
Bipolar to me is not an illness. It is who I am!
God bless and Merry Christmas
This is a first post for me. I am 57 years old and have lived with bipolar for 25 years. I believe this is how God has wonderfully made me. I do not believe you can define normal. In 1985 I went though a seven month depression without drugs. In 1988 my wife left me for another man. To fight the down I fasted and prayed. I had a God meeting. Society placed me in an institution with no choice but to take lithium. A three week stay and back into society. Shortly after went cold turkey no drugs.
In 1996 another elevation of my spirit (Mania). Another three week stay against my will. I was court ordered to stay on Depicote. Before first bottle was gone I went cold turkey on Depicote.
There have have been a couple of manic episodes followed by depression but always followed by a normal function.
I am a selfemployed business owner. When I tell people I am bipolar they are very suprised. When I tell them I am med free they are astonished.
I have not used drugs for my condition and have no plans to use them.
There is a lot more to my story and God willing I will complete the book I have started.
For those of you who can not function with out drugs that is your choice. You have gifts that many normal people do not have.
Bipolar to me is not an illness. It is who I am!
God bless and Merry Christmas
Hi All, Merry Christmas,
I believe that I have been allowed to have this illness. I have learned much from having the illness. When I was a young man before this illness started affecting me, I would of said many of the things anonymous has said. Having experienced the devastating affects of the hypomania and the depressions I now know that this is not me. This is not who I was before the illness' onset in the mid 20's. I have lost a marriage and a career as a doctor because the meds have not done anything to help the depressive cycles which lasted from 6-10 months at a time. The hypomania with the grandiosity and hyperness have not been easy on my relationships. There is no way that this is the real me anymore than it is the real me when I am sick with the flu.
After researching for answers to my illness for 30 yrs after trying the medication route for years, I have come to believe that what bipolar is is really sickness behavior that results from infections, the difference being that instead of it being a short lived sickness such as the flu, I have a chronic infection, that my immune system has been unable to overcome due to my genetic predisposition and evnironmental factors.
I have discovered that when I am in a depressive state I also am extremely achey, tired, lose my appetite and lose all sense of pleasure. These are all traits of sickness behavior which manifests to allow you to rest, eat less and allow your immune system maximum energy to fight against the infection. The difference is with a chronic infection, it goes on and on, with less by products of bacterial or viral destruction causing different levels of cytokine levels which irritate the different brain structures and other body tissues. I believe bipolar is really an inflammatory illness.
I have found that instead of antidepressants which have been totally ineffective for the depressive cycles, if I take Ibuprofen not only do my moods lift, but the head pressure goes away, aches go away.
I am presently using the Marshall Protocol which is a method to taking medications to cure the chronic infection which will result in the illness to go away. I have been using the protocol for 2 years and have experienced the increased symptoms after taking antibiotics. It takes others on the protocol 2-5 years to recover from many different illnesses such as Chronic Fatigue, Fibromyalgia, Sarcoidosis, and many other chronic illnesses which have not been curable. It is a curative protocol, not palliative. It is designed to help the body overcome the infection.
So I definitely have experienced the illness being not the real me, but a result of a chronic infection. The fact is it is me as long as I have the infection but the real me is not the ill me. I am grateful that I have found a protocol that eventually will result in a cure, God willing. I am already much better and have many more medium (normal) days than before. Instead of extremely depressed or hypomanic I am more level. But I am still a long way from what I remember as a young man before this illness. I am not expecting to be 20 again but I hope to be able to be able to use my God given talents to better use than I have been able to with this illness.
I miss some parts of the hypomania, the fearlessness, high energy and extreme enjoyment, but that is not the real me, it is similar to being high on mind altering substances and it is just I didn't take them willingly, they are being produced as a result of my body's best efforts to fight a stealth mixture of pathogens.
I have so much more compassion for all suffering human beings as the result of my own suffering. My judgement towards others has been tempered to a great degree. I think that everyone would like to be happy, successful and useful to others. I don't think anybody wakes up and says I think I want to be sick or addicted or miserable. We all do the best we can with what we know. Hopefully we can share our experience, strenth and hope to help others find their way. I hope this may help some one find their way.
Merry Christmas and may the New Year bring you much happiness through service.
Mike
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Thanks for asking these intelligent questions. There are so many things that are too easily categorized in the mental health arena. It gets to the point in my own life that whenever I'm in a great mood now my loved ones call it "mania." It pisses me off. It's not mania, I'm just happy today!