Why is it so hard?

I've been thru a very bad manic episode for 6 months and only relized it when it was over... I just cant handle this anymore... I am in a relationship and things are only getting worse! I lie for no reason at all and cant help it i know it is because i am scared of always getting into trouble for no reason at all... I dont mean to and for some odd reason I do... try to avoid conflic and that is the main reason.  I feel like i have lost myself and i dont know how to get back to who I use to be!  Things are just getting worse and i dont even understand myself anymore.  Every day is just getting thru the day and not thinking of anything but how bad and sad I feel.  I think of what can I do to make life easier for my partner and for the people around me to understand me better but for some reason it always end up in a disaster.  Nothing I do can ever make up for the mistakes I made.  I just feel that I am in a black hole again!  Im in a rowing boat that goes around and around all the time! I need to find a way to get out of this and I dont know how! I just want to feel better and nothing seems to help.  I never skip my medication and I know it is the right medication but still it does not take it away.  I know it will only help the high ups and downs so that it is not that bad but still it feels like my brain is in a jail and nothing helps.  I cant stop thinking even if I try very hard.  I'm just so sick of feeling like this.  I have so many suicide thoughts and actually for the first time three weeks ago I attempt by drinking a hand full of my anti depro pills but woke up the next morning!  That is the worst feeling ever.  I realy feel helpless and lost! Is there someone that can help me or advise additional treatment except going to a tereapist that i already do! Please.....