relationships

Is it worth the torment to make a bipolar relationship work?

thnt79 Community Member February 13, 2009
  • First, I must say it is refreshing to know that people are suffering like me.  

     

    I am 28 years old.  I have been dating a man with bipolar disorder for several years... and he JUST got a medication that has seemed to help a little.  I will be honest... it is hell to be around him sometimes.  He is insecure, jealous, and miserable.  I feel so bad for him... but know I can't help.  His disease has kept him from getting a job or a good education.  He comes from a good family that has enabled him.  Being almost 30, I have a good job and presently writing my thesis for my masters.  I feel bad for being successful.   My question is this.... how much is too much?  How do you know?  Am I  horrible for giving up on him? Help me make sense of this.

18 Comments
  • Anonymous
    TRINITY
    Jan. 28, 2014

    HELLO I am really short of words, can't finally believe i got my man back this is my testimony about the man that brought back my man dr Lawrence he gave me the heart and confident to trust in him within the period of 3days right now we are living happily and getting very ready and set for our wedding, i am so much happy knowing full well there are real, true...

    RHMLucky777

    Read More

    HELLO I am really short of words, can't finally believe i got my man back this is my testimony about the man that brought back my man dr Lawrence he gave me the heart and confident to trust in him within the period of 3days right now we are living happily and getting very ready and set for our wedding, i am so much happy knowing full well there are real, true spell casters who can really make things happen within the shortest possible time. drlawrencespelltemple@hotmail.com

  • Anonymous
    tim
    Mar. 01, 2009

    i have a bipolar gf and its tough. real tough. i love her to death but she can be so cold and so loving. i find it so hard to let go.

    • Joeaztec
      Jun. 24, 2010

      Hello , after reading all of these comments, i really dotn know what to think.. I think i can understand the points of the women who are dealing with the bipolar men in their lifes and seeing it as torment. I am a 36 year old bipolar man who wa recently left by his wife of only two and a half years, and reading your comments have made me see the relationship...

      RHMLucky777

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      Hello , after reading all of these comments, i really dotn know what to think.. I think i can understand the points of the women who are dealing with the bipolar men in their lifes and seeing it as torment. I am a 36 year old bipolar man who wa recently left by his wife of only two and a half years, and reading your comments have made me see the relationship thru her eyes. I put her thru hell during these three years of our relationship. i had months whre we were great but unfortunately my episodes of depression, or anger or irritability would come back and saty for a couple of weeks and it was a horrible roller coaster. i feel so bad becasue i knwo i put her thru all this and i know this is the reason she left becasue she could not take this torment any more and i dont balme her for leaving. People that dont have this decease dont understand how horrible it is to live with this horrible darkness inside of you that controls your emotions and feelings and never lets you enjoy your life to the fullest. I love her and continue to love her very much and in a way i always will. So i do understand how the women who posted their comments have the right to feel that it is not worth it as my wife felt and left becasue she got tired and eventually fell out of love with me. But at the same time it hurst becasue my wife knew i had this decease from the very beginning of the relationship , i sat down with her and explained that i had this and how it effected my life. and at the time she told me she would be thre for me through it. But i guess there are no guarantees in life or relationships. I can say that she did try . but i also know the love she had for me was not strong enough, and unfortunately we have a daughter together that now has to be living in a household without ther father. i think its a matter of the persons strenght , values and beliefs , if you marry a person then its a partnership and you dont abandon your partner , thats why there are vows that you say to one another which state "in sickness and in health" that to me means that you stick by your partner nomatter what becasue thats what God intended mariage to be for. but now adays people just give up on realtionships or marriage (thats why we have over 65% divorce arate in this country) simply becasue its just too hard, but they dont realize that the next person they might end up with is even worse or have same type of issues. I know its extremely hard to deal and love a bipolar person its sometimes horrible! as i know my wife had to ensure many of my episodes and remember her in tears trying to understand why her husbdand would act the way he would act at times, but i also know that if you truly love someone you dont abandone them, instead you do anything and everything to help them to include goign to therapy sessions with them, making sure they take their meds, goign to church together, exercising together, meditating together, praying together, goign to christian retreats , studying and getting educated on the decease so you can become as much of an expert on the decease therefore you know how to help your partner during these episodes and what triggers them. I think and feel everyone deserves to be loved and to love and that includes a bipolar person, just becasue we have a horrible debilitating decease or disorder does not mean we dotn deserve to be loved or spend our lifes with someone and have a wonderful family. I did eveything to make up for my horrible decease that lead to me treating my wife horribly at times to inlcude verbally and emotionally abusing her. BUt I was a responsible lovign father and husband worked all the time provided a decent living for my family, never drank , smoked, did drugs or abused her or my kids physically i was very attentive, romantic and did many little things for her all the time. helped around the house , cooked and cleaned, many things that the average man wouldnt do.. but even all that was not enough to keep her by my side becasue this hiorrible decease ws too much for her too handle and even though i dont blame her for leaving it pains me that she just like many others out there are not willing to see the good in us and think that what we do as a bipolar person is out of our control. People need to really place themselves in a bipolar person to try and undersatnd what that person goes thru, we are not making excuses for our actions but unfortunately that is what our partners think we do , that we excuse our behavior becasue of our disorder or that we feed our minds with the excuse of being bipoar and thats why we do or actthe way we do, but its so not true. this is a mood disorder that sometimes it is impossible to control without the help of constant therapy and medication.. Its been three months since my wife left me and she has completely shattered my life, and i will no longer blame myslef for this , she decided to leave becasue she was not mature enough to deal with helping her husband thru a horrible time and horrible disorder and help him get the help he needed. as i said before i dont blame her for leaving but the pain of being betrayed by someone i trusted and thought would never abandon me still lingers specailly because she knew abnout my disorder from the start. AS far as the women who posted the comments, if you love these men but truly love them with all your heart , hang on and pray but only stay if they are willing to get the help they need thru meds and therapy and once they do committ to this hang on , and the real person that they are will shine and you will be there to enjoy the rewards of that.

    • Anonymous
      Ms Black Dog
      Nov. 17, 2011
      After reading all the comments above, I can now understand why I am insuitable for dating. Being Bipolar is being damaged. Only those who shop in the bargain basement might be willing to accept damaged goods. Also my expiration date has long passed. I have spent my life alone and will die alone.
  • Anonymous
    tabby
    Feb. 14, 2009

    "Is it worth the torment to make a bipolar relationship work?"

     

    Hmmm

    I didn't know a bio-chemical medical inbalance of the mind can have a relationship?  I don't hear too many people asking about Diabetic relationships or Heart Disease relationships or I don't know... Multiple Scelerosis relationships.  Why?  Cause disorders, illnesses,...

    RHMLucky777

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    "Is it worth the torment to make a bipolar relationship work?"

     

    Hmmm

    I didn't know a bio-chemical medical inbalance of the mind can have a relationship?  I don't hear too many people asking about Diabetic relationships or Heart Disease relationships or I don't know... Multiple Scelerosis relationships.  Why?  Cause disorders, illnesses, and diseases don't have relationships.  People do.

     

    So  Hmmm

     

    "Is it worth the torment to make {a relationship with a man who struggles with Bipolar} work?" would be the better question to ask.

     

    Now... "torment"... torment.... torment.... hmmmm

    You are 28 & dating.  You aren't married so... no legalities are involved.

     

    You didn't mention physical abuse or sexual abuse or even verbal abuse though I'm sure some words have been exchanged over the years that both would deem hurtful to one another. 

     

    You were aware of his disorder cause you said you have been dating him for several years.  So... you can't say this is a sudden surprise.

     

    He is JUST on a med that seems to be working a wee bit - good for him.  A relief I'm sure he is feeling of some sort.  Very good. 

     

    Hopefully, he'll stay on that track and keep working on it... the bio-chemical inbalance mind thing sometimes causes one to kill themselves when those bio-chemicals get all a swirling the wrong way or go out of one's mind in a manic psychotic episode at times... wouldn't want any of that.  So, any relief he feels - even if just a bit - I'm sure is still relief and hopefully he'll stay on that.


    Now... on to you and your torment.  torment.... torment....

     

    Yes sug... you are 28 and if your relationship with a man that you are dating has been tormentous to you, you see nothing coming good out of this relationship, you can not see yourself with this individual in the coming year, it has become a daily torment to live and deal and share your life with this individual then by all means....

     

    you have a lot of thinking to do as to what is best for you.  What you decide is what you decide.  It is completely and utterly up to you.

     

    yes... I know... I'm a stranger who doesn't understand... don't know your life... blah blah... you posted and I responded... that's how this works

     

    you have to look inside yourself to decide what you want and what you are willing to continue to deal and live with.  if after you think it over and decide, and are good with your decision, then whatever it is - it is.

     

    no one on an internet message board can tell you what you ought to do or shouldn't do - we, the strangers, can only read & reply cause at the moment.. we have nothing better to do.

    • Anonymous
      Feb. 21, 2009

      I found this reply condescending and unhelpful.  Being in a relationship with a bipolar partner can indeed, at times, be described as "torment".  Particularly when the other person can't be reasoned with, or makes you feel that you are the one with the problem.  Or when your partner's personality is different from one week to the next. ...

      RHMLucky777

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      I found this reply condescending and unhelpful.  Being in a relationship with a bipolar partner can indeed, at times, be described as "torment".  Particularly when the other person can't be reasoned with, or makes you feel that you are the one with the problem.  Or when your partner's personality is different from one week to the next.  In my opinion heart disease and diabetes are not comparable illnesses.

    • Anonymous
      tabby
      Feb. 21, 2009

      your "torment" notation hit me wrong that morning dear because in truth... in comparison to his torment of living with a mental disorder... your's isn't that bad.  You can leave your torment... he can't just pack his bags & leave his. 

      By the way have you actually read up on personality disorders vs. Biipolar Disorder outside message boards?...

      RHMLucky777

      Read More

      your "torment" notation hit me wrong that morning dear because in truth... in comparison to his torment of living with a mental disorder... your's isn't that bad.  You can leave your torment... he can't just pack his bags & leave his. 

      By the way have you actually read up on personality disorders vs. Biipolar Disorder outside message boards?

       

      as far as not comparing it to heart disease or diabetes:

      listen... heart disease, diabetes, fibromylgia, MS, Alzheimer's, etc.. Bipolar, Schizophrenia, ADHD, ADD, OCD, Major Depression, etc.. ARE ALL MEDICAL DISORDERS/DISEASES. 

      That which initially caused the disorder and/or disease differs but each cause then causes a dysfunction within the body and the body's system - which then produces the disease and/or disorder.

       

      BUT... heart & diabetes, MS, and those others are acceptable - Bipolar, Schizophrenia, and those particular others are not.

       

      By the way... in my particular comment to you - in regards to using the heart disease & diabetes comparison... I was trying to teach something.

      A disease and/or disorder can't have a relationship, a minimum of 2 human beings can.  A human isn't his or her disease and/or disorder.  That is further sterotyping, stigmatizing, and labelling a person thus reducing that person as something less than human

       

      Glad to know that you've decided to stick it out with your guy now that he is trying to make an effort to make himself healthy.  Hope he sticks with it, for himself.

       

       

    • Anonymous
      Feb. 21, 2009

      Please note I am not the person who posted the original question

    • julie
      Feb. 24, 2009

      I found this post interesting.  My bipolar husband questioned why I (having been diagnosed with breast cancer) receive cards, flowers, and support.  He feels it is unfair that those with physical ailments get support and empathy, while those with mental problems are often shunned.  

      Often, bipolar people refuse to take their medicine, and refuse...

      RHMLucky777

      Read More

      I found this post interesting.  My bipolar husband questioned why I (having been diagnosed with breast cancer) receive cards, flowers, and support.  He feels it is unfair that those with physical ailments get support and empathy, while those with mental problems are often shunned.  

      Often, bipolar people refuse to take their medicine, and refuse to apologize for their actions which are hurtful and damaging.  This is why they get no support.  They hurt people, while someone with cancer is struggling with the idea of possible death, and horrible treatments.

      I do feel sorry for my husband at times, and really do love him.  He is adorable!  But, he can be cruel, a liar, and many other things I never would have that possible.  He presents himself very well!  But cannot keep up the good behavior for a very long period of time.  If I were young like you, I would seek out a healthier relationship

    • Anonymous
      Anonymous - Sea...
      Dec. 16, 2009

      You do have a problem, hon.  It's called codependency.  Read "Co-Dependent No More".

  • Eric
    Feb. 14, 2009

    No one can tell you but yourself whether to stay or go but what I can tell you is that if abuse is part of it...you need to go.

    If this guy has just started medication and seems to be doing better, why would you now want to get out? The other issues that most tend to not want to talk about is when the identified patient starts to get better...their significant...

    RHMLucky777

    Read More

    No one can tell you but yourself whether to stay or go but what I can tell you is that if abuse is part of it...you need to go.

    If this guy has just started medication and seems to be doing better, why would you now want to get out? The other issues that most tend to not want to talk about is when the identified patient starts to get better...their significant other starts having issues with this persons new found self-confidence and taking back control over their lives.

    I preach that in order to have a good solid relationship, both have to enter and be able to give 100% of themselves. This means if you enter into a relationship where one partner seems to have a lot of issues, there will always be an imbalance. And...never enter into a relationship thinking that you can change someone or get them well.

    If you get a chance...read http://www.mentalhealthus.com

    It's a book/self-help that I wrote a few years back

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Feb. 13, 2009

    I just found this website today myself. I am 22 and have been with my fiance for almost 5 years. Things have gotten so bad. He has put me through so much verbal, mental, and ,on a few occassions, physical abuse. He lies about anything. He has addition to alcohol and drugs and when he's intoxicated he is horrible to me.

     

    But these things only come up for...

    RHMLucky777

    Read More

    I just found this website today myself. I am 22 and have been with my fiance for almost 5 years. Things have gotten so bad. He has put me through so much verbal, mental, and ,on a few occassions, physical abuse. He lies about anything. He has addition to alcohol and drugs and when he's intoxicated he is horrible to me.

     

    But these things only come up for a few months at a time and then disappear for another 8 months and we have a picture-perfect relationship. Everytime it stops, I think "Oh finally its over. We're going to be happy. We did it." But after 5 years of noticing this pattern, I'm realizing that I must be crazy to put up with all this.

     

    He is going to the doctor this monday to get on medicine, but I don't know if I care anymore. He just leaves me to myself to cry about how ruined our lives are... he hasn't called me all day. He bailed on me last night to drink by himself.

     

    It's a really sad life to live, but I'm struggling with the EXACT same dilema... WHEN is it too much?! I know that his life will fall apart without me their to support it. And I feel like I'm falling a part, too.

     

    =(  I'm sorry. I know how hard this is... I don't really have advice, because I'm just as lost.

    • thnt79
      Feb. 15, 2009

      Isn't terrible that we need to be reassured that we are not the crazy ones?  I read your reply and I took a long, deep, refreshing, breath of air. 

       

      For the longest time I thought I was causing him to act the way he does.  We go through the same things your relationship does.... good for awhile... maybe great... then... all hell breaks...

      RHMLucky777

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      Isn't terrible that we need to be reassured that we are not the crazy ones?  I read your reply and I took a long, deep, refreshing, breath of air. 

       

      For the longest time I thought I was causing him to act the way he does.  We go through the same things your relationship does.... good for awhile... maybe great... then... all hell breaks loose.  I tend to keep many of my insecurities in the relationship to myself.... like his lack of job, lack of education, and lack of worrying about either.  Just recently, I told him he has 6 months to prove that he can be a good provider (husband/ Father) and we would talk about marriage.  Well, conveniently enough with the slumping economy he can't seem to find a job, and he supposedly registered for classes at the local university for summer semester.  Now he is telling me I am not being supportive enough.... I can never do anything right, it seems. 

       

      The 6 month thing is still in effect.  He has until the end of June to make some improvements.  At that point, I have to make a decision.  And whether you believe it or not your words did help.  I have to start being the strong person I used to be.

       

      You are very young.... are you sure you want to get married.... life with a bipolar person can sometimes seem exhausting and meaningless.

       

       

       

    • Anonymous
      Anonymous
      Feb. 15, 2009

      These last couple days, were some of my craziest yet. I was going back and forth between deciding it was over and then thinking I was giving up too easily.

       

      It's difficult because when I'm forced to make these big decisions, the most recent memories are bad. I'm never faced with these decisions when things are going well. I have to remember those times,...

      RHMLucky777

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      These last couple days, were some of my craziest yet. I was going back and forth between deciding it was over and then thinking I was giving up too easily.

       

      It's difficult because when I'm forced to make these big decisions, the most recent memories are bad. I'm never faced with these decisions when things are going well. I have to remember those times, too. Who's to say that I will find someone better. No one is perfect.

       

      When I looked back on our relationship as a whole, I have to give him credit where it's due. For the most part, he is a wonderful guy. I also had to evaluate the situation on a personal level. When I first read all these posts, I got really overwhelmed and scared. I catergorized him as bipolar... he's crazy, there's no hope. But in looking at the facts, he actually isn't as bad as a lot of these stories sound. He goes to school full time and gets As, he works part-time, and he helps around the house. He is very capable of living a normal, productive life. Now, don't get me wrong, he needs my support for these things to be maintained... but he does them. On top of that, he is trying to get help. This is the first time he's tried medicine in our whole relationship. I don't want to give up when he's finally realized the problem. I am optimistic that medicine might be a huge life saver.

       

      I am young. I have given him my entire adult life, up to this point. I worry about time "wasted." But I also feel like I'm not in a hurry to make decisions--if it doesn't work, I'll have time to meet other people. I can handle a break up down the road if things really don't get better. But I can't handle the wondering "what if" in case things DO get better. When he's not manic, we're great.

       

      My biggest fear is having children with him, but that's not something I have to decide anytime soon.

       

      So, my answer for now is yes, it's worth the fight. As long as he's fighting to get better, I want to support him.

    • julie
      Feb. 24, 2009

      Please leave that relationship.  You can find someone who will be kind, respect you, not pick hundreds of little fights, and make you feel crazy.  My life is very difficult now, and after having been divorced for several years and finally remarried, I see that this won't work.  Everyone in my family told me this was not a good choice, but I had...

      RHMLucky777

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      Please leave that relationship.  You can find someone who will be kind, respect you, not pick hundreds of little fights, and make you feel crazy.  My life is very difficult now, and after having been divorced for several years and finally remarried, I see that this won't work.  Everyone in my family told me this was not a good choice, but I had breast cancer and at the top of my list of" want or need to dos", was remarry.  

      There are some wonderful times, but it becomes harder to remember those times when they are overshadowed by what can only be called cruelty.  PLEASE GO!!! 

    • Anonymous
      Anonymous
      Feb. 24, 2009

      I know I need to leave him.

       

       

      It's really hard though. Our lives are impossible to seperate... we have all of the same college courses... we share our textbooks, our parking pass... I can't just ask him to come get his stuff and leave my life alone. I have to deal with him for the next couple months, period.

       

       

      Bipolar SUCKS. I feel miserable,...

      RHMLucky777

      Read More

      I know I need to leave him.

       

       

      It's really hard though. Our lives are impossible to seperate... we have all of the same college courses... we share our textbooks, our parking pass... I can't just ask him to come get his stuff and leave my life alone. I have to deal with him for the next couple months, period.

       

       

      Bipolar SUCKS. I feel miserable, but I know he does too.

    • Anonymous
      pj
      Dec. 07, 2009

      I know your pain of not knowing what to do..i ended mine just days ago..it is an intense love that is also toxic and adddictive.. One day you are a princess.. and the next they hate you. My partner has a high powered job.(although at the moment he is stuggling to work full time)...he is intelligent, beautiful, and very creative..when it...

      RHMLucky777

      Read More

      I know your pain of not knowing what to do..i ended mine just days ago..it is an intense love that is also toxic and adddictive.. One day you are a princess.. and the next they hate you. My partner has a high powered job.(although at the moment he is stuggling to work full time)...he is intelligent, beautiful, and very creative..when it was good it was almost surreal...like a fairy tale..but when he had bad days they were hell...he was either depressed or irritable...in the end he became abusive and even pushed and shoved me...if i look back honestly the cracks showed early on in our relationship; i recall him becoming aggressive over small things..and saying nasty degrading things for no reason..i chose to overlook these insidences as him just being drunk or under stress..and then blamed myself thinking i was the problem..today i am greiving the loss of one of his personalities..the one i fell in love with..and if i thought for one minute i could heal the other 2 that are depression and mania.. i would with all my heart..ultimately i dont think he will get help..and if he does the success rate for a normal life is not that great...i miss him terribly..and every day i have cried since we seperated..but deep down i know there is no real point prolonging our pain...for i also understand that our relationship has not just been hard for me, but for him too..i know he did the best he could..and wanted a life with me..but ultimately the blackness woukd seep in and he could no longer contain his rage..in the end i couldnt talk to any other males without him having irrational jealousy..he didn't want to go out for dinner with friends or be around people in general..work for him was a struggle; and at the end of the day he came home drained and irratitable...even just enjoying a quiet day together was impossile ..i hope that when you make your decision; you consider to stay may be to edure i life of instability..and basically being a nurse...i have chosen the painful choice of ending it now...this is because i know in the future it will eventually have to end.. but maybe with a terrible outcome...i truly wish you the best..and hope if you end it.. you do it with love and understanding..but also that you make it a clean and final break..to go back and forth will only cause you and him more distress and confusion..good luck with whichever path you choose...and make sure you keep yourself safe...ultimately love should not hurt..nor be a constant struggle...i am working toward the light and beauty in life from now on...

    • KimberlyM8311
      Sep. 27, 2011

      I just came across this site and postings in hopes to find a few answers.... upon reading your posts, I realize that I, too, am dealing with the same things. My boyfriend and I have only been together for approximately 5-5.5 months now. He has been diagnosed with bipolar... I'm not exactly sure when he was diagnosed but, I have known him for years. It wasn't...

      RHMLucky777

      Read More

      I just came across this site and postings in hopes to find a few answers.... upon reading your posts, I realize that I, too, am dealing with the same things. My boyfriend and I have only been together for approximately 5-5.5 months now. He has been diagnosed with bipolar... I'm not exactly sure when he was diagnosed but, I have known him for years. It wasn't until sometime in March/April that we started really talking a lot more and getting to know one another on a more deeper level than just an association. He ended up moving in with me within approximately 3 weeks after hooking back up with one another. He did come out and tell me that he was bipolar. So, in the meantime, I have researched it alot and still continuing to read up on it. He's not on any medication and he refuses to get on any because he says that he feels like a zombie when he's on it. I understand the highs and lows of the disease and understand now, why he drinks so much. He's a wonderful man but, it's like he totally changes into a completely different person when he drinks. He has cut back on his drinking but, he's still drinking all the time. We are currently expecting... I'm 5 months pregnant. He already has 2 other children that he's paying child support for but doesn't get to see at all. He claims that he wants a "family life" and stability, which is understandable and I want to help him achieve that. But, I just can't do it anymore when I don't see that he's actually trying. And, I don't want to continue to put my life, as well as our child's life in danger. I also smoke, which, I know is unhealthy for the baby. I have tried quitting multiple times but, everytime i try I feel that its pointless because we get into another fight and I'm back at it again. So, now he's telling me that he doesn't want to have anything to do with the child if anything is wrong with her and he hopes that i can find another man out there who will be good with children. I feel as though I've tried and tried and tried, time after time and no matter what I do, it's not good enough, he doubts me, thinks i'm lying... you name it.... He tells me that I'm worthless, I'm a whore, and a piece of shit... I love him so much and I do keep trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and I understand that a lot of what he says is the chemical imbalance but, I'm just not sure that I can trust him around our baby alone at all and I'm starting to have second thoughts on this now.