I just don't get it

Hey there! Thank you for posting, you know you are so right, sometimes it seems that my mind gets so overwhelmed by the sheer misjudgement of it all and especially from those that are suppose to know you better than anyone in the world. And oh as you know, yes, there are those that i so pull from like my husband whom i can sit with and just BE with and yet also vent to andexpress my "issues" and feel so comfortable, and then there's daddy, who although is no longer physically with me is with me always in my memories and feelings and the fact we could sit side by side and watch the clouds go by or a thunderstorm coming and just be together and there was far more joy in that than any words could speak....it is not only the words, you are so right ...SO right...it is the feeling that comes with the silence or with the verbal .....the feeling of acceptance, and i so need to remember that.

I do not interact with many people as you and I have spoken about before....so you know how deeply this one cut for I so didn't expect such a harsh reaction, such a "freudian slip" as you might say ya know...it can only make me wonder how long that feeling has been there and such....

and my the effort i have so put forth to get the understanding at least under way just feels like all lost time. For all this time i truly believed that this person was reading up on it as i was told, and we even talked some about the issues that come with it, how you get it, etc and oh you know me the researcher, well,i had so much vastinformation that i had gathered to help explain it in the most simple terms i could although it is a totally impossible condition to fully explain to anyone ...as you well know...

but thank you so much so very much for caing to post and let me know someone else has so been there too with such a deeply loved one...

it hurts, and yet it angers, and it makes one feel well, kinda less than what this person thinks they should/could be, but learned long ago, that the stigmas are going to be there, and with the bombardment of that coming in all directions it is going to be hard to overcome the labels per say....and yet, yet, when one has been with you all your entire life you'd think there'd be some kind of acceptance "felt" a know....but guess it too could have been ME being overly sensitive yet i found her comments overly UNsensitive ....but this too will pass and we will go on being truly deeply loved ones and nothing will stop that, not even this roller coaster balancing and teetering on that small rail without a STOP button......and i so thank you for your input it makes me feel NOT alone in this, not alone is a GOOD THING.....and well, it encourages me also to see things in THEIR viewpoint more i guess too...

you are always a comfort...

how have YOU been by the way??msg me sometime and let me know what is new...

thanks again it really meant a lot to know.......never alone.....my support group is always there!! (and my husband and kids too which means the world... and even beyond!)

sincerely

ctrygirl

reply

Well first off it is so nice to meet you....sounds like we have a lot in common and sure that we will be hearing from each other more and more as we both post and read about the ordeals of the beast within from others and sharing our own stories... Thank you SOMUCH for your advice as to keeping myself well, you know you are exactly right, we MUST insulate per say ourselves from those negative and so prejudice kind of remarks and behaviors, no matter who they are, yet oh it is so hard when one is a MAJOR family member that is supposed to love you unconditionally ya know....I mean effort after effort that i was SURE and was TOLD was being read in order for understanding of me and my "issues" was being done and then BOOM nope, not read, not even delved a little bit into it...but that is their loss as to understanding me, for i offered, i asked, i gave, i provided all means that would possibly help to keep this person aware that nothing is directed at THEM per say and that my hermit-like times are not a direct blow at them, but more of a protective coping skill that i literally NEED at times..... I too had to quit my job as a teacher, for had a literal breakdown in the teachers bathroom, thank goodness there was a good friend to watch my classroom for i felt it coming, and she checked on me and i took leave of absence from there, then due to the fact that my absenteeism due to mixed mood rapid cycling and whirling beyond explaination, well, i resigned for the best interest of the kids and for my own health...Pdoc said, look it is your job or your health....soooo....i have chosen the path to healing, or coping as i should say...but applying currently for disability income...my husband is a disabled vet and well that is all we are living on at the moment, uhm things are tight...BUT the love here, and the fact we are very self sufficient/reliant (like use woodburning stove, have a cistern instead of city water, raise our own cows/chickens etc) so that helps a lot... You know i have found that others seem to feign wanting to be proactive in helpng us per say, but the effects of their behavior often displays quite another issue.....we are VERY fortunate to have the kind of husbands that we do for there are so many that this illness creates great turmoil in relationships, he must love you so dearly, as does my husband, and how fortunate we are....guess we should count our blessings in that area and remove all the negative from our vicinity as best we can without isolation coming into play, thank you for your kind and caring words and your great advice as to taking care of my issues and not falling into the scenario of other perceptions or lack of..... I am glad we met, hope to hear more from you....can email me at personal email by clicking on my name and we can talk more in depth there if ever want/need to..... "so shines a good deed in a weary weary world"Dahl.....and that my friend is what you have done...shed a shining light of understanding of the stigma and the pain that comes with it when it is one we love.... thank you and please keep posting or email me anytime....seems we have a lot in common and may be able to help each other live with this lightning... Good luck to you too my friend, and think you are doing the best move of keeping this person as a friend but not relying on them to intervene or be observantly helpful in your stages.....are you mixed mood rapid cycling too???? Well, take care and KNOW your comment was appreciated so much....I have various poems on my other posts that will most likely fall into things YOU will understand due to being in the same "boat" as I and smashing against those cliffy shores together.... hang tough and thank goodness we have a great support group in our spouses!! your new friend, ctrygirl
reply

Hello new buddy!  Thanks so much for replying.  By the way, I AM a mixed state, rapid cycling gal, how'd you guess?  I remember reading a "bipolar checklist" and laughing at the question, "do you have more than 4 depressive episodes a year...?" (or something along those lines) and thinking "a year?  how 'bout a week?"  My mom used to always say that as a kid I was either way up or way down - duh!!!

Anyway, I'm glad we connected.  Lately this isolation thing has really been getting to me.  I suspect that as I struggle with my friend's lack of true support I am sort of cutting myself off from the support of others too.  I found myself answering "fine" when 2 different sisters asked how I was doing this week (not doing so fine this week, actually).  These are sisters who "get it" and have been really terrific at educating themselves and all that but one of those pesky voices in my head just keeps telling me to keep it to myself because nobody really wants to know.  Even my husband mentioned how withdrawn I am (and here I am thinking I'm so subtle).  My standard statement is, "I'm just so sick of people" when I think I really mean, "I'm just so sick of having to be well in front of people..." when I just want to have a bad day, talk to my friend and have her understand (without "jokes" about my condition or veiled statements that make me feel guilty for being "bad") or worse, total denial about WHY I might be having a bad day.  Being bipolar is a huge part of who I am and it hurts when I feel that I can't be me with my supposed closest friend!  It's like how I felt when I was growing up, knowing something was wrong with me but no idea what and having to put up a facade all the time.  It's tiring!!  So here I am, a 43 year-old woman who is feeling like a teenager again - and NOT in a good way (just ask my saggy boobs, heehee).  Then I get angry that I can't just be who I am.  I look around my world and see tons of people whose behavior is appalling and yet, we just have to deal with them.  Yet here I am, saddled with a loopy brain yet trying to be a good person and I get bombarded with media crap about some bipolar person doing some evil thing and how we should all hide from these crazy bipolars!!  Seriously, for a few weeks it seemed like every day here in Seattle there was a news story about another murder - and bipolar always seemed to be mentioned!  I want to run into the street and yell, "I'm bipolar and have no intention of (insert violent crime here)....!  I just want to be me and have it be okay!" 

Goodness I'm babbling.  But here's the proactive step I took this week.  I'm signing up for a NAMI Peer to Peer class (hopefully to start within the next month or so) to connect with some local people.  Baby steps to building community, right?

Hope you're having a good week!  Thanks for reading.

mary

reply

Hello there!
You are so singing my  song!! Thank you for commenting, I too remember that list of "do you have more than 4...blah blah blah" tehee...yep sure do!! I remember thinking okay that means i'm REALLY nutso for mine is like uhm DAILY< HOURLY< UHM WOWO spooked me at first, but did wait for too long to get diagnosed due to own silly fears...but oh you are so right....it is like smothering behind that mask isn't it...and yet we feel we have to keep it on tight and keep even keel all the time, although others can get upset or whatever seems ours is always attributed to the condition...geez...but we perservere and we hold tight , and keep on keeping on with a positive attitude about ourselves, knowing that these others haven't a clue, unless walk a mile....i always say....so thank you for confirming my feelings and letting me know i'm not alone!! means a lot!!

by the way this too did pass, as i knew it would, just hanging on until it does sometimes is hard ya know, OF COURSE YOU DO!!! and thanks so much again,

so good to meet you...

Sincerely,ctrygirl

reply