but oh i dont know what i really want from doing this post.
...guess just some reassurance that others face this too...that others have "gotten through " to those they love and so want to have understand them when they go into those hermit like modes, or mania stages, or tactiles, and really i ask nothing but to let me utilize my coping skills and keep extra pressure off me....is that toomuch to ask that one who is your closest relative alive would try to understand you or try to at least give you the space you need when you need it???
evidently in this case YES.....
it is hard guys, it is so hard to have the label and the mass idea of this illness so close to home, and yet i try and try...
if you've read any of my posts you know i try so hard to keep a positive attitude, to overcome the hallucinations, delusions, tactiles, manias, depression and do it all with a grain of this too will pass.....and research like crazy ....and utilize all coping skills i can muster up when explosive situations occur with me
(mixed stage rapid cycling bp by the way if haven't read any of my posts so literally can be manic beyond explaination and 4 hrs later so low i can't hardly get around) but gee...
will we ever, ever ever....overcome ??????
Any suggestions as to how to deal with such a person that you WANT in your life, that you NEED in your life for they are your CORE family.....would greatly be appreciated.....
i just so needed to get this out, guess you guys are the ones that have to hear all my issues...and sorry, usually try to post better and more positive posts, but uhm.....well, feeling the world on myshoulders, feeling less of a person due to this illness, and KNOW better but the emotions obviously aren't listening,
i feel hurt, angry, irritated, and LOST along with useless, worthless and a thorn in someone's side that i have literally kept MOST of the bp issues FROM>>>>i can only wonder what she would think of me if she knew the anger outbursts, the kicking of trees or hitting a wall when anger overcomes me, the crying spells in the middle of the woods ( a def. coping skill for me is nature) for no reason, the mood swings, and definetly haven't even shared the delusions and hallucinations with her....i can only picture being ostericized....or kept at arms length.....and like i said this is one family member that should be wrapping arms around me and letting me know it will be alright just as my daddy did so many times
.....his death has left me feeling like an orphan per say....as if I was surely adopted for he is the only one besides my precious husband that fully accepted me for ME>...
guess guys all i'm looking forwith this post is comradery, or some kind of method of how someone else got another to see the light,
tosee we are the most creative, most perceptive, along with empathetic, accepting, and nonjudgemental kinda people i have ever met.....for we walk that balance beam of life each and every day and a new sunrise brings new issues but we perservere....we take it step by step....and together we can do anything....
so please any suggestions would be welcomed
....any ideas as to how to deal with this would be greatly appreciated
....i know my therapist said use the reflective bubble....but uhm do that sometimes but sometimes find it hard to come back OUT of that bubble for it is so comforting to just go catonic persay.....and block out the world and see the beauty of nature all around me and know that i have a light inside me a difference from the general masses and that is OKAY...it is not a curse.....at times i thank my maker for the illness in a sense for i see and hear and perceive things far more than the average joe seems to do as they walk about their world as if they are "normal" and anything outside THEIR bubble is leperous......
oh i so didnt' want to get negative here...but geez, one punch to many yesterday i guess and well, of course kept me at odds even with myself, doubting my own self, my own ability to go on and hold my head up and endure and ride the coaster as it goes up and down hour by hour it seems......
but you know what???just posting has made me feel like a monkey is off my back....
but again, any suggestions, i know there is so much knowledge and experience here that someone may have a clue as to a method...or perhaps i should just choose my battles and this one isn't it!!!
but oh this is a very very important person to me, a very close family member ...very very close....so i want to try....i want to get it across....and well tried all i know to do
so up for any suggestions...
sorry to bother anyone with this issue but oh my how i need to find a comfort somewhere somehow.....of course my precious husband has comforted me and made me feel like it isn't ME but HER with the issue on this diagnosis...and that i'm dealing with it well....he lives with me and should know....but sometimes it makes me feel better to hear it from those of us going through it ya know....
well, any comments greatly appreciated....
a confused and flustered and disilllusioned
ctrygirl
