Jut meandering through...

By ctrygirl Friday, January 16, 2009

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Often trying, not always able, but trying. ...to face them with a smile.

And know at the end of the day,

I have come quite a long long way.

Do you feel that satisfaction inside

That you've hurdled obstacles far and wide

To just get through the 24 hour day

Regardless of the oddities you feel in every single way?

I can hold my head up and know,

That I faced the demons of the mind, the hallucinatory show,

The delusional thoughts and yes the mania and depression too

ALL within 24 hours mind you.

So speak not to me of normal and sane,

For I will tell you again,

There is NO SUCH THING!

ctrygirl 11-15-09

A decade coming back to haunt me

2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6

Comments (9) | Add comment

nolongerhere

1/17/09 7:10pm

Dear ctrygirl,

this poem is fantastic and it sure answers a lot of questions I had in my mind. On a very sad not it is disheartening to notice that not may members of this site have given a reply. I sure wish that more people would say something about this wonderful poem. I certainly appreciate it.

Alfredo

nolongerhere

1/17/09 7:13pm

Don't forget that everytime you write something you hel[ people. You have wisdom. But you have lost so much confidence that you do not even see how and how much you help people. Time to change and find self respect that you deserve. You are a teacher first and foremost. Do not forget this...

Alfredo

ctrygirl

1/18/09 9:04am

Dear Alfredo,

You always have such a positive thing to say to me and it uplifts my spirits so much. Thank you for reading and commenting on the poem, I figure it was toooooo long for most to stay with it and read ....but you know me.....I DO tend to go on and on but when i write it just comes and comes quick, almost faster than i can write the words that pop in my head and often i forget to keep it in the "proper" form of poetry for i'm writing so fast! tehe..

But i want you to know that your last post of "time to change" is SOOOO right on what even my therapists said, I guess I have lost confidence without even realizing it...but I will certainly try to be more aware of it and start realizing that I do have SOMETHING to offer ya know....you are very insightful my dear friend...very insightful...

thank you for reading and the wonderful comment on my poem...it really was quite random and just out of the blue and then i thought well, why not post it, i have so much that i want to post and yet i don't......going to start doing more i do believe, not all are poetry, actually the majority isn't ....but short quips of how i see things and how the world is quantumly entangled and so forth.....

so how is the research going?? I'm headed back to your post to see if i can get that website to work.....

Take care my friend and thank you for everything!
ctrygirl

tabby

1/18/09 10:01am

I admit.. I only got through 2 pages of the 5 and this may be why others haven't read through or commented.

What I did read, I so agree and applaud your ability to put it into words.

I've always said that those with Bipolar are more sensitive, more perceptive, more intuitive than those around. Whether we are born this way or not does not matter, most with Bipolar are very highly perceptive, sensitive, and intuitive people who over years and years of being "forced" to comply and assimilate resemblance of others, have had their creativity, perceptiveness, sensitivity, and intuitiveness repressed to the point of almost killed entirely.

It's when they (ones with Bipolar) enter mania, that these things that have been lost seem to reappear. However, with most... because those things have laid dormant and repressed for so long.. the ability to harness and manage them goes awry very badly to the extreme of being dangerous. Thus, the need for medication to rein it back in. Only the meds, rein it back in way too much again.

It would be swell, one day, if the meds could retract that which is dangerous and yet allow what is naturally beautiful without repressing and oppressing that which one may have to offer, that which is so much needed in this world.

ctrygirl

1/18/09 11:05am

Thanks for being so honest...it was far too long but i couldn't stop the creative process and it just kept coming....next time i'll try to reign in the length....

I thank you for your ever present support for me....it means a lot!!

I am getting ready to post something that maybe you could help me with...it involves finances and a divorce situation that has been over a decade ago but you'll see what i mean when read the post....

then off to send you some input from just a regular bp for your research and hope so much it helps you!!
sincerely

ctrygirl

nolongerhere

1/18/09 2:50pm

Dear Tabby,

I have placed a sharepost that covers some issues of which ctrygirl writes of in her poem here. I would like to ask you if you could leave some feedback and if you could mention your interests, hobbies or a little background on yourself. This would be helpful for my chapter that I am writing. I think that Bipolar Disorder, in many cases but not all cases, is mostly a set of emotional dysfunctions. For many people like you or I or ctrygirl it is not an illness, nore a brain mulfunction but just a set of emotional problems because of having developed a particular personality that is not respected in our corporate world where the rational individual is so different from us as a model. We are emotional, opinionated, critical of the system and never follow the masses. We like to reason not follow. We are leaders because we use independent thinking nand are not ot influenced by ignorance. We can loose our confidence, however, and our self respect. But we should not do this.

Alfredo

ctrygirl

1/18/09 6:35pm

Thank you for posting dear, yes it was way tooolong but going through what you know i'm going through well it was kinda a coping skill and the words just kept on coming and the thoughts just kept on exiting to my fingers and on and on i went with various things....the ending is a collage of how bps are so creative, how we are those dreamers of the dreams, the inventors, the artists, the creators and the UNAPPRECIATED at that...but like alfredo says we shouldn't loose confidence in ourselves whatsoever for the creativity and the unique way that we look at the world with intense detail and explicit love for learning and finding new ways to do things, and appreciating nature and creations that the lord has put here for us...and just the fact that we are able to express it in one form or another should keep us confident in our abilities but i often find that hard to do especially when the various forms of media and movies and public opinion keeps pulling out that whipping post for bps and others...but we SHOULD not pay heed, just we are so sensitve to our environment, to things all around us that it is nearly impossible to not let it get to ya sometimes...

I thank you so much for all you posted on for me...BOTH posts....means a lot that you are out there and reaching out that helping hand.....thank you so much .....

I hope all is well with you and i hope that your days are blessed, thank you so much for everything!!!!!!!

your friend

ctrygirl

MissE

1/26/09 12:18pm

What an amazing poem! I have been diagnosed bp & just recently w/Borderline Personality disorder, I experience all emotions more intense than the norms...they may never understand, & will prob always judge what they cant understand...I ofter feel sorry for Norms b/c although I do feel downs darker than they can imagine I also feel the highest of highs & I wouldnt change that for the world. Maybe having a mental/personality disorder is a sick gift we were given but I still like myself b/c I take chances, do things on a wim that norms would be to nervous to do b/c of the fear of failure & I always speak my mind & tolerate no haters, or judgemental ppl and will tell someone that they are no better than I. Im 31, and yes I wanna be able to channel my emotions more effectively but I still wanna be me....real, honest, & accepting of myself. I start therapy for the Borderline personality disorder in a week & feel confident that b/c Im a strong person & have overcome many obsticles I will become even better person. I only wish I found out & got diagnosed w/BPD sooner instead of playing the bipolar medication game...which pretty much sucked. You should read into it to. BP & BPD ofter coincide or are even misdiagnosed b/c many doctors until recently didnt believe BPD was real. I mean I was misdiagnosed as depressed b4 the BP diagnosis. Just trying to spread the word about BPD just incase others 2 have been misdiagnosed or also have BPD in addition to BP. Thx for the poem, it was amazing & pretty neat that you'd have to relate to understand. You should look into getting it published. I had one published a couple years ago. Good Luck. ttys

ctrygirl

1/28/09 9:01am

THANK YOU SO MUCH!! I know it was a little long but I'm notorious for just letting the I tfingers fly and then i realize i wrote half a BOOK! tehee I too waited far too long to get diagnosed (feared pdocs for a long time but knew knew something was different about me since youth)......BUT i've been through the regiment too honey and it sure ain't fun is it....been on over 63 different meds in matter of 3-4 years and finally think we have the right "cocktail" that will control my RAPID RAPID CYCLING MIXED MOOD bp disorder...

YOU Are right we have so much to offer, we are NO less than anyone else a child of God and deserve to be treated as such, but unfortunately history doesn't show that. SO we wear a mask quite often.

I personally think so much we are a set of the most creative, innovative, empathetic, caring, internalizing the environment and others emotions/reactions to us, noticers of detail in intricate and appreciative ways, and just UNIQUE ...but then again they'd call me crazy or say that was delusional thinking......LITTLE DO THEY KNOW what we as a collective set of bps have done in the past and present and no doubt the future to make their lives easier, more artistic, more beautiful through our creativeness, and inventiveness....HECK without bps there wouldn't be half of the technology, innovative ideas and creations there are today...I hope you've seen this site but in case you haven't check it out.

http://bipolarworld.net/Bipolar%20Disorder/Articles/art14.htm

PS I"D LOVE TO GET PUBLISHED could you offer me some advice on how you go about doing that???? It is a LONG time dream of mine...I write all the time as a coping skill along with so many other things (photography for pics speak volumes, nature and 4 wheeling to get away from the chaos and masses, drawing/sketching/attempting to learn to paint, MUSIC IS a key to my coping too, along with beekeeping and yoga weird combo i know tehee...but then again we have to have outlets and if one don't work maybe the other will tehee). THANK goodness i live where i can step out my door and see NOT ONE person or public unless i purposely go into "town" and with my paranoria and ocd and anxiety i do that as little as possible, not to isolate i see it more as not to be influenced of my own self worth by others judgement and pointing fingers!!

by the way i have a blog if interested.......

http://ctrygirlspeaks-ctrygirl.blogspot.com/

working on my second one and will post it when get it "fixed" i am basically blog illiterate tehee but LEARNING!!

again thanks for reaching out and commenting and lifting my spirits that someone read, someone understood, someone appreciated!!

TAKE CARE and post again to me soon! i enjoyed your reply!
ctrygirl

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