The lighthouse

By ctrygirl Sunday, January 18, 2009

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WOW writing IS THERAPY!!!! even if it isn't or is something others would want to read, it sure help to empy my mind where tonight i MIGHT JUST GET TO SLEEP if only for 3 hours, or 2 or even 1.....who knows,

but if you endured this post...thank you and please understand that i needed to post

sorry it held no knowledge or helpful advice....but wow had to get er out.....that creative part of us that MUST express ourselves or BURST and wasn't ready to burst!!!
a shocked and bit relieved

ctrygirl

ps had to go back and change the title...DID have it as STRESS AND HOW IT EFFECTS BPS!!!!

A HUGE THANK YOU BEYOND WORDS

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Comments (12) | Add comment

tabby

1/19/09 10:47am

when everything else fails... go to the original "guide book"

it hasn't changed in 100s of years, it never will change, and the who for whom it speaks of is indeed a "light house" for those scrambling in their darkness

for those who choose to believe

in the mean time, writing is cathartic to some... if not able to put it here... put it in a journal c.girl

it's helped me immensely for years as a way to get all the "mess in there" out.. even if only for my eyes to read later

ctrygirl

1/20/09 9:50pm

AMEN to that, Oh my the stacks and stacks of journals i have, no kidding i think some are back even to the age of 16!!!!!!!!!!!! It is funny to reread some of those and see the way my mind worked even then, and it sure helps to identy triggers and darn if it don't feel good to get it out!!! It is amazing at times the relief that just leaks through my fingers...another reason i sometimes write BOOKS for posts instead of just a word or sentence or two tehee...BUT if it works ya know!!
Thank you so much for reading and then taking the time to reply....it means a lot to know others do the same...writing and expelling that gushing mind or body!!!!
Thanks again!
Your friend,

ctrygirl

Britt365

1/20/09 9:05pm

Hi Ctrygirl,

I have really missed reading your shareposts........... I'm so greatful to have come back to this site.

I LOVED the portion of your post where you described a Lighthouse. I need to re-read the story to get the most out of it but, right now I'd like you to know-- it spoke to me as a reminder. The reminder that God is never too far away. He's always by our side. By the way- you have a lovely- poetic way of writing...... writing what I asume is exactly what you feel. I was feeling lost today..... until I read your post. I know that you help people every day by what you write on bipolarconnect.

thank you....... in more than words can say. I'm glad you're still on this site!!

ctrygirl

1/20/09 10:06pm

Oh my goodness,

thank you so much honey, that was so kind of you to say!! I just really feel these things to the core of my being..it is times that i just start writing and putting out words that come so fast sometimes i don't even know what i'm going to write or how long it wlll or should be...so you got it right there, very heartfelt....the only posts that i share that aren't are ones where i've discovered things like "famous bps" and such....

I tell ya we've missed you on here too!! I wish you'd post more for i know there is a lot on your mind and you have a wonderful collection of thoughts and ideas, or just your daily hurdles or obstacles or whatever, BUT my point, (See how i ramble sometimes just what comes to mind sorry!!!)...thank you for missing my posts, i just usually reply to the latest share posts and keep most of my things in a written journal, guess i'm old fashioned that way i like to feel the paper beneath my hand and the pen in my fingers and it just rolls away ya know....but sometimes on here i get so conscious of my spelling and such, but i still end up NOT reviewing my post before i send them, (habit i need to get into) but I have so many typos and that's why....

it does come from inside to my deepest core, and writing is such a therapy, along with others for me (like yoga, drawing, photography, poetry, quote collecting, researching, reading and oh i could go on and on )

so it is utterly wonderful to think that I actually touched someone today, that i made some kind of difference in their life...

thank you so very much for the compliment,

I humbly bow to your kind words,

your friend

ctrygirl

msmak

1/29/09 3:51pm

Take your meds child you're manic!

ctrygirl

1/30/09 1:09pm

UHM< not to be rude but DUUUUHHHH!!
YES i am a rapid rapid cycling MIXED mood bipolar that waited far too long to go and seek help.

So often you will see mania coming through in my posts.....please don't worry though i stay on my meds RELIGIOUSLY but do not always get the ultimate effect for this type of bp is very hard to regulate..

that is WHY i use THIS SITE to let it all out....but hey thanks for the post and for reading and for being insightful enough to express your opinion on the mania and YEP you are right...i cycle back and forth within a TWENTY FOUR HOUR PERIOD NUMEROUS and i mean NUMEROUS TIMES between the peaks of mania and the depths of depression....seems to be no in between for me...but this too will pass and I know that I can perservere and keeping positive and utilizing my coping skills helps so much..

but thanks for the advice.....but trust me I AM ON MY MEDS!!! and this is the best collection of meds so far for me.....at this time.....but as you know very hard if not difficult or impossible to regulate my type of bp condition....doing the best i can!!

thanks again

ctrygirl

msmak

1/30/09 3:04pm

Please accept my apology! I am very frustrated right now. My 28 yr old daughter has decided she no longer needs her meds blah blah blah. So she is in the begining stages of a manic episode and I cant imagine why on earth she wants to do this to herself when it always turns out the same...bad! Her boyfriend is all up in her head about meds are bad. DR.'s are bad its a conspiracy to keep control of you etc etc. This is a girl who never wanted to have children and never depended on men for anything and now shes been off her meds for 4 weeks and suddenly she cant function without him. Hes gonna take care of her. Shes gonna get pregnant. Shes gonna use marijuana to medicate herself. Shes gonna get a prescription for it. Just like her boyfriend does. This is a guy who cant hold a job, had warrants out for his arrest convinced her to put up the title to her car to get him out of jail. So when I lashed out at you I was inappropriate and I am sorry. I am facing the fact now that I have to let go of her and let her fall. I just hope its not off a ten story building when she does.

ctrygirl

1/31/09 10:05am

Hey, no problem dear,

I totally understand, that is exactly what this forum is for, sharing and letting each other know when we might be over the edge and not recognize it.

On the situation with your daughter. I am so sorry to hear she went off her meds. When my father passed away i went off my own (without realizing it for there was FAR to more important things to tend to like HIM ...my precious light source....when in the hospital and I totally went without for 2 weeks my meds the after effects were horrid, and esp gettingback on them bit by bit) PLEASE know that she can't just up and stop them some can actually make things worse when do that and it is DANGEROUS...but to start back up right where left off is ALSO dangerous, must increase at a reasonable rate (i got how to from my pdoc and i'd advise that for her too if you can get her back on them) and get back to the level at which will allow the meds to get back into her system the proper way and amounts...

Perhaps she will realize the err of her ways, and I am praying for you that that happens, sounds like this guy doesn't "get" bp disorder whatsoever, to tell someone they don't need their meds is just UNCARING in my opinion (unless your a doctor that is)

.....I know that in my own personal life i TOO have family members that think that "mind over matter" and "they are just diagnosing you to get money from the prescription companies" and such are commonplace to hear..and it hurts to the core for those are the ones that are suppose to know us best and love us UNCONDITIONALLY but often are the ones that can make one feel the "weird" or "touched" or "insane" one how sad, and how wonderful YOU aren't one of those family members that do that to her YOU genuinely care it SHINES THROUGH IN YOUR WORDS and that is PRICELESS as she will unfortunately soon learn if she stays on this path she is traveling down

..trust me you are not alone in this one...so many of us have heard that and what hurts is it is often from FAMILY>>>the ones that should know us best...like you know your daughter best......MUCH better than this guy seems to.

As her father, I want you to know that your words will resonate in her mind, I know my daddy's still does...even from heaven..

...so never give up on her honey, never give up, sometimes our bp heads are a little thick, or we enter what is called (as you probably already know) a delusional state or euphoric state ...and to be honest the MANIA does feel good I hate to admit it but oh the things you feel and THINK you can do and accomplish and yet the fall lurks in the shadows and it will come

....I hope at that time is when she turns back to the one that obviously loves her so much and trying to reach her now..YOU!!!

I will be praying for you and hey, we all need to vent sometimes, I get it and I take no offense to your post, especially since you explained it to me...I'm a very forgiving soul and dissension and arguementive/turmoil situations i can NOT take for they send me reeling in so many directions.

You didn't know i was rapid cycler, you didn't know i was mixed mood, you didn't know but yet you SAW the mania...perhaps show your daughter your post and let her know how much you love her, and how you CAN SEE MANIA and problems through simple words therefore you MUST be able to see it in your own child.....perhaps that will helP?????? I hope so and just a suggestion!!!

Take care and know I'm praying for you and your daughter and sending positive thoughts and energy your way, along with a virtual leaning post should you need one...

I have a blog site that might help to see the inner workings of a bp...not sure it is good enough yet just started it (and OH so much to learn!! virtally a blog idiot but learning, learning, and that is what its all about learning something new each day no matter how small tehee) but still worth a looky loo just in case somethig there could help out.

http://ctrygirlspeaks-ctrygirl.blogspot.com/

and another in the making

http://ctrygirlspeaks.blogspot.com/

Goodluck and PLEASE keep me updated on how she is doing!!
your friend when you need!!!
ctrygirl

Anonymous

2/ 1/09 1:48am

Your words are a comfort. I need to be able to hear it from within the illness. My daughter doesnt tell me what it feels like for her. She just glazes over the top of it as needed. As of today she has made her stand. No meds! I am hoping that I am wrong. That she can have a life without meds. I am the last person who wants to see her living like a zombie. But I cannot unlearn all that I know about BP. The odds are against her. My plan at this point is to conserve my energy for the inevitable. I have told her many times that I will never give up on her. That if she is ever lost and scared that I will go to the ends of the earth to find her and help her no matter what. And that is exactly what I will continue doing. You are right about the writing. It is therapeutic. Can you tell me how you deal with the after math of a manic episode. Such as the debt you may incur. My daughter put up the title to her vehichle and I know thats gonna be harsh to realize. But its only a car.

msmak

2/ 1/09 1:48am

ctrygirl

2/ 1/09 11:47am

You're right it is a different form of view from "within"...there is no doubt to that AND another testimony to how much you really want to help and love your daughter. You're right about the meds, she DOES need them, and i hope she comes to that realization without anything negative happening to awaken her per say.

As for how do i handle the financial things...well i DON"T....i totally and completely turned over the spending and checkbook to my wonderful husband. There were only a couple of times that i created a financial issue and that was at Christmas and wasn't aware of the fact i was creatiing overdrafts...so from that time on I DECIDED to give the control over to my husband. Now don't get me wrong i keep up on what is spent and how and where just because it should be a joint effort....and yet i do not carry the ONE credit card we have with me. I am not able to drive too often on my medication (when having symptoms that is) and I am NOT NOT NOT a shopper..I literally couldn't tell you how long it's been since i've been to Walmart (i think like 3 years or something). I only go to places like the library (free!!!!), and attempt the grocery store to keep myself going out intopublic, and run errands like the post office and such. See i live WAY WAY out, therefore the reference ctrygirl, like 15 miles from town, so it is easier for me to not spend. HOWEVER BEWARE THE INTERNET!!!!!!!!!for there is so much damage that can be done by buying online for it is so darn easy and well if not monitored bps will go beyond sometimes....
I have OCD and panic attacks, anxiety attacks and paranoria quite often...but i am a pretty extreme case DUE TO NOT GETTING MEDS YEARS AGO when i needed it ...but that keeps me from going too many places or if i do i am with my husband and or family and it really helps to have a "regulator" per say...but it doesn't sound like this guy is the answer to that for your daughter..JUST GUESSING from what you wrote for i know him not...but just saying if it isn't reigned in by someone it WILL get out of hand.

The mania feels good for you feel on top of the world, nothing can stop you, you are alright and everyone else is nagging at you, you feel euphoric basically...and then , oh then the coming down from it all and the results lay scattered upon the floor...so many i know have literally gone bankrupt or overspent beyond what they could ever pay back and one friend i have literally had to take things BACK to the store to get her money to pay her bills...bought some silly things like 7 notebooks, loads of oil paints and doesn't paint, pics for her wall that were hideous if i must say so and so forth you get the point.....it is like the POWER to spend i guess...to be honest i never ever got that part of the bp....i have since a CHILD hated shopping and literally would cry when mom made us go!tehee...but that has not been an issue with me really however the reason is I really believe: is because i realized the potential for it to occur and I have a great therapist that suggested i let my husband handle the checkbook/savings book etc for he is a great one and denies me nothing (if we can afford) so he is trustworthy and amazing really....

IF one doesn't have someone to tend to their spending you are so right it WILL get out of control and it is like they they come spent, homeless, carless or just "broken spiritually" for they REALLY don't realize at the TIME what damage they are doing.

ALL i can say is honey if there is any way to get some kind of control or someone else she trusts to help control the "going" to the stores and the internet sites that sell, or someone to regulate and give her warning signs when NOT being conducive to the amount of money she has to spend then DO IT!!! if you read on here so many face that problem beyond words....like SERIOUS issues on this.

BUT being a very simple person i do not like, nor do i shop much at ALL...never have so on that note i can't help you really except to say what i have done to avoid that issue. Honestly my "symptoms" kinda keep me out of the public as much as possible and amongst my forest and hills.....for they are a coping skill for me so that keeps me from even WANTING to get amongst the masses and SHOP ARGH!! Gives me chills just thinking of going and when i DO have to go i have a list go straight to the item on the list, gather anything else on the list and BOOM I"Mat the checkout and outta there.

I will say this, you have a wonderful attitude and such a caring heart and reaching out so desperately to your daughter .....i can only hope that in a moment of reflection she will SEE this and come back to the one that truly loves and cares about her for help. You are right it is only a car...but what is nextt??? not to add to the pile..but KNOW that is what you are thinking. I have NO doubt whatsoever that you would go to the ends of the earth for this precious daughter of yours and unfortunately it may take a fall for her to realize that....i hate to say that....but that seeems to be when bps realize who is REALLY there for them (see the perception of things are askewed really and those that are parasitic can't be seen that way for they are FUN and some enjoy spending so they see that person as someone to enjoy life with instead of someone that is going to DRAIN YOU!!!) A LOT of bps (i've read a lot on here) are codependent and feel they ahve to have someone to "be with" "party with" and so forth....

Rest assured my friend, you are doing ALL you can, keeping educated on the illness is the FIRSTSTEP and you've taken that in giant steps, next is showing love unconditionally to the person and you've far surpassed that, next is just trying to get them to see reason and OH what a trial and obstacle that can be...but never give up..NEVER...for the cycle will change as you know, the mood swing will drop or to be honest may increase and then hospitalization is often the only means to get them back to stable. I myself fear that BEYOND words so i stay religiously on my meds....although they don't always work on all aspects they do keep me reigned in somewhat.

Does she have a therapist or pdoc?? How about a group therapy...I am in one right now and it is amazing to hear the things and share things that bps go through it really is quite a misunderstood and confusing illness EVEN TO THOSE OF US WITH IT>

oh gosh i don't feel i've helped at all....but i just wanted to share how I personally handle the money issue and the finance issues.....I want you to know you have touched my heart how much you care and love for your daughter.....

I miss my daddy who loved me UNCONDITIONALLY SOMUCH so very much..for he was like you...to the ends of the earth.....now he watches me from heaven and still a big force in my life. There is nothing like a daddy and daughter relationship if you ask me and hopefully that will dawn on her...but time...i hate to say it time which is our enemy can also be her friend for the cycle WILL halt, and the fall WLL come if not on meds and then hopefully she'll come back to the one who loves her more than words can explain an you'll find her wrapped in a big hug and acceptance of your care once again.

Goodluck and please please let me know how things are..and NEVER EVER GIVE UP:!!!

"so shines a good deed in a weary weary world" Dahl

WITH PRAYERS AND HOPE AND FAITH AND POSITIVE ENERGY FOR YOU AND YOUR situation dear.

ctrygirl

msmak

2/ 4/09 3:52pm

Well it has been over a week since I became aware that she was off her meds. I have backed way off and continue to hope for the best -prepare for the worst. So far she is only slightly animated. I am trying not to be the dark cloud of negativity by reminding her constantly of the possible outcome. So I briefly check in every other day with an alternate reason for calling. Its easier to observe her that way. If I ask how shes feeling she imediatly pulls herself together and gives me her best performance. Shes really good at that! At any rate, her boyfriend is now petrified of my presence. For GODS sake I am a 48 yr old mom, 5'5. He is a 28 yr old man of 6'3. I have a bit of a reputaion tho cuz when my daughter had her first psychotic episode we became aware that her "then" boyfriend had given her some Ex he picked up at a Rave. I mean litterally picked it up off the floor!! 7 days later she reached psychosis. The night I admited her to the psych ward I drove strait to his house..banged on the door and pushed him up against the wall and ripped him a new @#!hole. He was also a big boy but adrenaline will give you lots of strength ya know. My sister pulled me off of him and so goes the story of me being a mean mama bear! Can't help it. Don't get pissed often until someone messes with my kids.

Thanks agian for listening and I do know one thing for sure. Youe daddy is with you every step of the way. A little thing like death cannot stop the love and protection that some parents feel for their children. Notice I said some parents. Sadly, not all parents have it.

By for now

The lighthouse

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