black4gee

Health Interests

bipolar disorder,  bipolar symptoms,  bipolar disorder treatment,  mental health

Drugs I am Taking

zyprexa,  Effexor,  Citopam

About Me

Diagnosed officially in 1999 while in senior years of high school. Primary psychological trigger was my brother's suicide in 1992. It took me 12 years to mourn and make sense of this issue, wasted my childhood and adolescence till young adult on trying to understand a ghost, deal with the grief on my own, feelings of guilt, shame, anger, debasing, hopelessness etc...We never talked about the suicide or how to deal with the grief, everyone dealt wit it their own way on their own....so the matter was swept under the carpet and it was business as usual.....so....that is a part of my problem. Hospitalized about 5 or 6 times between 1999 - 2006. Been okay without hospitalization for 3 years straight. Completed intensive psychotherapy. I rarely see my psychiatrist for consultation.. however I talk with him over the phone to keep him posted and request for adjustment to my dosage when the need arises. Financial pressure from the cost of rehabilitation (psychotherapy, long term prescriptions and psychiatric consultations) finally wore my parents out so am on budget....just take my medicine as prescribed every morning and evening. I have accepted that I will most probably take this medications for the rest of my life, as unhappy as it makes me but I learnt from a painful mistake of not taking my medications....a relapse within 2 weeks, interference in school, forfeiture of tuition at enrolment of degree program. It took me almost 7 years to complete a simple 4 year degree in Business Administration. Been in 3 different universities over the course of those 7 years...At least I graduated last year. I am not able to hold down a job for long...so I have to employ myself somehow... I have social problems....inability to socialize and maintain social contacts...this exacerbates my condition further. I've had 2 attempted suicides in the past that required hospitalization and rehab......lived in rehab with the narcotic addicts, alcoholics, schizophrenics, bipolar, clinical depression and allied disorders..... I can self-diagnose based on past experience and prevent or minimize effects of a depressive episode mainly..... I constantly struggle with poor self-esteem, self-conscious and over-analysis. I see myself worse than how others see me....inferiority complex.....this is a bad environment psychologically because it favors suicidal and social isolation tendencies that further harm my health in the long run..... I also struggle with personal identity in the sense of being a patient for so long that I sometimes don't see that I am more of a person than a patient...that the illness is a part of me and not me.....self-stigmatization in addition to societal stigma.....apart from my immediate family I have no life, no friends.....just an empty shell existing and functioning at the barest minimum.....hence the vicious cycle goes on and on with deadly precision..... The only good thing out of this negative picture is that I have overcome the actual action of suicide...after the last time I am scared of even trying coz I have a nagging feeling that I will fail and end up at rehab at square 1 or worse end up alive but not whole...e.g. broken legs, paraplegic, exhorbitant medical fees, broken trust with family, damaged kidneys, liver etc...those are enough to chase those bad suicidal thoughts...and prove that the suicidal thoughts are a manifestation of a deep desire for my life to change....a result of living an unfulfilling, unbearable and meaningless life..... This doesn't reflect my mood right now but cést ma vie...thats what bugs me the most and forms 80% of my issues in addition to my bipolar condition