Of-Two-Minds about it Living With It
05/18/10 Of-Two-Minds about itTopics:Bipolar , Just Diagnosed
Feeling depressed, anxious, hopeless and insecure has been a "normal" state of mind for me as long as I can remember. The occasional times of feeling happy, focused, energized, and at peace were embraced as blessings. I have always ascribed these mood fluctuations to a melancholy temperament and fervently wished that I had a more sanguine personality, but again, it has been who I am for so long that I don't know any other way to feel and function. I have never really experienced stable moods.
After learning I had bipolar disorder last year at age 47, I have been troubled with doubts about my diagnosis. Maybe I just had a mid-life crisis. After all, I was divorced after 26 years of marriage and my youngest child had headed off to college. I was alone for the first time in my adult life and struggling to form a new identily. Dating and rediscovering my sexuality last Summer overwhelmed me like a huge wave.. and then I crashed. Underlying all of these intense feelings and sensations were the quiet and persistant thoughts of suicide that had been plagueing me for several years. One night last Fall, I gave in to those thoughts and overdosed on drugs I had been stockpiling for a couple of years.
Bipolar disorder or just the natural course my life was taking? Now I am on medication for this disorder and am trying to find the "happy medium" they are supposed to provide.. but I don't know what this damn "happy medium" is supposed to feel like. Right now I feel a bit passive and numb, but I am able to feel love, desire, and sadness, so I guess I should be thankful for that.
Can anyone else out there relate?
This is my thing
If you question your diagnosis seriously and you were only evaluated by 1 psychiatrist and given the diagnosis (or by a general practitioner)... then seek another opinion and be re-evaluated by another.
Bipolar is often diagnosed and it has become a blanket diagnosis these last 15 years or so. The meds, if they work - great! Does not always equate to Bipolar.
Meds are meds and meds are for the physical symptoms and only to relieve not completely 100% totally eradicate.
So, I'd say... if you seriously have quandrums as to whether you truly have the diagnosis... you could ask the one who diagnosed you to explain to you how he/she decided the diagnosis fit you? Did they consider any possible other diagnoses?
and if you can financially afford it... seek out another if the answer does not quiet the quandrums.
either way.. whatever it may or may not be... you'd likely receive the same medications
point being; Bipolar is only a label like that on an old tin can. It explains perhaps but it does not define a person less that person allows it.
Hi Tabby,
Thanks for your comment. My diagnosis was made after my suicide attempt and in the behavioral health services unit. It was based on the psych's opinion that my behavior over this past summer qualified as a manic episode. In some respects I agree looking back at it, although I can't help but wonder if there was plenty going on my life to trigger it..... I don't know. My therapist agrees with the diagnosis as well, so what the hell do I know! I am only a high school teacher. I do need to disclose, though, that unipolar depression, generalized anxiety disorder, and bipolar disorder run rampant through our family, particularly on my mother's side.
Maybe I am in some denial, and I do know that I hate having to take the meds. In reading some of the other posts, though, I am fortunate to be taking a lot less than many others do. Also, I am able to hold down a job, maintain relationships with my family, and function within my daily responsibilities. So... what am I bitching about?