It has been a while since I have written. I have a few thoughts chasing themselves around in my head and need to put them down in writing. First, I went back to a therapist I had seen after my diagnosis in 2009. I needed some help with the overwhelming stress/pressure that was crushing down on me. I had a laundry list of issues I wanted to discuss. We worked for a few months, and then I stopped going. Thought I was ready to do the work, but not enough to stick it out for the long haul. I am not going to beat myself up. I will pick it back up when I am ready.

     For the past couple of weeks I have been aware of this growing sense of disconnect with my life. I am not even sure if that is the way to describe it. I could say that I am going through the motions, but I'm not sure if that even defines it. It is just this sense that beneath the daily outward normalcy that I function in, is a quiet desperation and a sense of resignation. It lays there, right beneath the surface, like muddy, ice cold water beneath thin ice. I feel it when I hear myself telling my husband that I love him, when I drive, when I lay in bed at night, when I hold my dog, when I walk the halls of my school, when I hug my son. It makes me feel fragile.

     Then I had this thought the other night.. maybe I am just living on borrowed time. I made a serious attempt to end my life 2 years ago, to try to disconnect myself from a terrible sense of personal failure in every aspect of my life, to punish and to end an emotional struggle I was so tired of being tangled in. But, it didn't end there. My body and mind are still functioning, but something else in me seems to be out of sinc. It is like a lightbulb growing dim. Maybe it, what ever it is, was damaged that night. Maybe it's dying and my body and mind will eventually catch up.

     I lost a bracelet yesterday. I didn't know it until I went to put it on this morning and realized it wasn't there. I didn't even notice it was gone when I took my jewelry off last night. Life comes at me so fast everyday, it makes my head spin.. and a bracelet slips off my wrist- with a safety chain mind you- and I don't even notice until I reach for it and it is not there. That is how I feel. Something in me is disappearing, and it will be quietly gone before it is even noticed.