My moods have been fluctuating quite a bit over the past few weeks and I don't know how to respond to it. One day, one moment I can be feeling, "I am ok, life is good, I think I can do this" and then, anxiety begins to crawl into my head. The world starts to get dark around the edges of my peripheral vision, and I feel like the air is getting thicker or heavier. My thoughts start getting negative. "I am so tired of this. Why am I so weak?" or "I can't do my job. I am going to screw up and they will know my brain isn't working right" and "My husband must be getting so sick of me like this; I would if I were him. He is probably better off without me. He shouldn't have to put up with this all the time." and "Jesus, I hate myself like this". I get paranoid, walking around my job waiting for the shoe to drop. I avoid making eye contact with other teachers, hurry through the halls to get to my office, and expect to see my principal at the door. I sit in my car or lay in my bed at night and visualize myself angrily using an exacto knife to punch holes in my arms and legs. Then.. the mood will shift again. Usually when I am asleep or focused on something for a long period of time. My chest feels lighter, the room seems brighter, and my brain feels more relaxed. I am consciously aware of this shift. I feel love for my husband and kindness for myself. I am able to take a step back and see life and myself more clearly. I can breathe easier. What is this? Is it a mixed state or rapid cycling? Should I try and tell my prescribing doctor about this? Try different meds? Or is this just the nature of the beast with or without the right medication? It is hard to put my hands around this and try to make meaning out of it and to know definitively what it is I am experiencing, particularly if you throw menopause into the mix. Can anyone help me to understand this better?
I like the way that you write. You are so honest. I was feeling quite angry with my children the other day. They are very dysfunctional. They love me for giving them what they want and they are 26 and 28 so that should be over by now with them, it's just not. So in the course of feeling very angry I went to my psychiatric apointment scheculed long ago, and after letting him know how I was feeling he decided that I was probably in an irritable manic state and needed Ivega (Paliperidone) and it did quiet the deamons. I no longer have the urgent need to disown my children. So I would recommend that you vistit your prescribing physician and see if he can be objective about your current mood(s). Godd luck to you.
You know, Cathryne, when I talk to my prescribing doctor (who also diagnosed me), he never really makes reference to the BP in terms of tying it to certain behaviors or mood swing. He just listens to me talk, makes some comments, validates how I am feeling, and writes my prescriptions. Don't get me wrong, he is a nice man, but I really need some help in identifying my mood/behaviors so that we can determine if my meds are working the way they should. Any ideas how I can communicate this to him without putting him of the defensive? I really need him to be on my side.
On a different note, it sound very difficult and frustrating dealing with grown children who have such a sense of entitlement. You know that you will never make them happy and even run the risk of enstrangement when you say no. I am learning that we cannot control the behaviors of others; we can only set up boundaries and try to redirect a person's angry/negative feelings and words in a more positive direction that allows that person to get control of themselves as you both try to seek some resolution, a positive outcome.