So, I had an anxiety meltdown on Wednesday. I felt myself winding up and when I picked my husband up from work, I was coming apart at the seams. He asked me how my day was, and AGAIN I told him I was having a tough day. I hate telling him that. He sighs, asks me what's wrong, asks me if he has done anything to make me feel this way, and wants to know if there is anything I want to talk about. I told him I didn't know what was wrong, why I was feeling this way, stop asking me if it is you, and I don't know what to talk about. Then, I just started REALLY telling him how I was feeling. I am anxious, antsy, afraid he is going to get sick of this, sad that he has to put up with this, angry that I am not strong enough, adult enough to tamp this down and take control of myself, afraid that this whole mood cycle process is just going to get worse over time, frustrated that I can't communicate this to my doctor, afraid I am going to lose my ability and competence to do my job, afraid that I am going to hurt myself out of anger, afraid that I am going to let my kids down, afraid that my daughters are bi-polar... Then we got home, I asked him to make me a vodka screwdriver (yes, I now keep liquor in the house for the first time in my life) downed it and then downed his. For 2 hours my brain settled down, my body settled down, and I ate dinner so the acohol level wouldn't get too high. I take anxiety medication 2x a day, but it took 2 stiff drinks to help settle me down. No wonder people self medicate with alcohol. I went to work yesterday and still battled with anxiety as I had an IEP meeting (I am a high school special ed teacher) I had to oversee and work with both my professional peers and administrators as well as parents. My hands were shaking so bad from nerves and I was afraid people would see that. Seven years doing this and these IEP meetings, phonecalls to parents, and parent-teacher meetings still scare me to death. Soooooo glad it is Friday. Just get through this day and take the weekend to relax and regroup.