It's 9:30. I took a sleeping pill at 7:30, I am tired, but my brain isn't ready to go to sleep. I was thinking about the idea of re-inventing myself. It started with the idea of throwing away all of my clothes and buying new ones, but in styles I normally wouldn't pick out for myself. Young, trendy, feminine, provocative. Then, I would change my makeup look. Do something dramatic with my eyes and wear a lipstick shade a little darker than I normally would. Next, get rid of all my furniture, re-paint my walls, and decorate in a style that I create all myself. I would also tell myself that I don't like sweets, junkfood, or coffee. The new me would like fruit, veggies, and not eat meat. I would approach things differently, my job, relationships, daily life. I would go to the middle of the "sandbox" of my life and not be afraid to get dirty, make mistakes, or get hurt. I would say what's on my mind and not feel the need to apologize for having a different opinion. I would answer the phone, make phonecalls, go to happy hour with my co-workers, and check my mail everyday. I would not be afraid of life and afraid of being noticed. I would do what I do best and not be afraid of being recognized for my accomplishments. I would be a whole person living a whole life. Most important, I would step out of myself and fully connect with the people in my life.
the illness is nothing but wonderful for picking yourself apart, piece by piece and magnifying that in which we THINK we absolutely despise about ourselves or we think others see and hate about us
the illness is nothing but wonderful and magnificant for tearing up our souls and spirits, condemning us when no one else is, terrifying us when there is no need, and causing ourselves and those around us nothing but antsy jumpy egg shells
but this is the thing of 2 minds
it's the illness
not you
so before you go off and decide that you are going to throw everything out, throw everything away, re-do everything, walk away from everyone, and dance naked around the bird feeder while your child watches in horror (sorry, i digress.. i did that - blushing)
perhaps speaking with your doctor in a firm deliberate but respectful tone might be a suggestion... just a suggestion
Absolutely...agree Tabby!
This is where I get confused about this whole disorder. If on the right medication and dosages, should my expectation be that I willl be stable, no highs, no lows? I know, I know, talk to my doctor and I will. I see him Feb. 8, but I would like to know this from people who have bipolar and who have been taking medication and dealing with doctors for a long period of time.
in my experience...just mine...
medication is just ONE of the tools. It got me stabilized enough so that the therapy I was doing could work. Through therapy, I was introduced to my wonderful massage therapist who introduced me to the person who taught Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction who now is my check in therapist.
I am not totally stable at all times. Bipolar is still with me. I am able to recognize symptoms and know what I need to do most of the time. If I am starting to slip and don't recognize it, I have a wonderful husband who helps me and sees me through the rough hours or days. My therapist had me write my relapse prevention plan. I also have written strategies for handling depression and mania because it's hard to remember what to do in the midst. Having the list posted in several places helps. I'm in a constant state of vigilance...it's not something I always like but when I quit paying attention, I'm guaranteed to go up or down. Even so, life throws curve balls that knock me on my butt sometimes. It's in those times that I must be kind to myself.
Keep posting...we are here for you...we've had similar experiences...you are not alone.
Sug
being human means that you are apt to have "highs" and "lows". To not have them would be, not human.
Here are my thoughts, only my thoughts, disagree or agree if you want:
The thing with Bipolar is; the normal "highs" and the normal "lows" are so way out of whack and far more intense. This is where the medication from the doctors (if you can tolerate them fairly well) and the therapy from a good psychotherapist come into play.
Now.. if you want to be drugged out into zombie land... never having a high or a low and always flat lined and "dead" inside... the docs can give you that. There are many many many many many many meds out there that will do that and/or higher and higher dosages of some of the more common ones prescribed that certainly will provide that state of living. Yet, that isn't being "stable" unless that is what stable means to you.
Being stable is all relative to the individual... my stability is so far different than yours and yours will be so far different than Catherine's, whose is so far different than John's, whose is so far different than....
That's cause the illness is individualized and customized to the one for which it inhabits. Once you reach YOUR sense of stability.. you'll know it. Oh gosh darn you'll know it and you'll treasure it. Yet, Bipolar is a ever challenging and ever changing illness... and you have to protect that stability you find because the potential for relapse and topsy turvy is always always there.
This... this will not be found merely in pills. This is found within yourself and knowing yourself and knowing how the illness customized within yourself... and you can't do that without working on yourself. That is where psychotherapy helps.
Far too many folks do not want to do the expensive time consuming work of psychotherapy because it's not the "quick fix" that pills are.. only pills aren't the "quick fix" unless you know what is causing the symptoms and your mood swings and your behavior in response to the symptoms and swings.