Today is Sunday and the end of the 3rd week of my summer break from teaching. I made the decision a week or so ago that I was just going to let this summer be what it is and not beat myself up for failing to meet my internal expectations. A few interesting things have happened a long the way. My mother called! Haven't spoken with her in over a year due to a family spat that boiled over. She called to respond to the birthday card I had sent in which I informed her that I had moved and was no longer paying the mortgage on my condo. When I saw her name on the caller ID I almost let it go to voicemail, but it was the day of her birthday, so I answered. WOW! I could tell she was nervous, which put me at ease (LOL), and she told me that she totally understood my decision, approved of it, and wished me well. Huge relief as I am a total slave when it comes to seeking her approval.
Yes, someday I hope that I can make decisions that don't require my mother's approval for me to feel confident and at peace, but for now it was enough that I did it without seeking her approval first.. and didn't avoid (for too long :) telling her about it.
Speaking of approval, some of you know that I remarried a couple of years ago to a very nice man. Well, we are still learning how to relate to one another and to understand the dynamics of our marriage. As with my last marriage, I am in charge of the $ and pay all the bills. He just hands his paycheck over to me on payday and trusts me to pay the bills and asks for $ when he needs it- this is how it worked for him in his previous marriages. For the most part, I am responsible and do a good job of staying on top of our monthly obligations, but with the move we have a little more $ at the end of the month... and I have been spending some of it... and making purchases without his approval first. I came clean about this yesterday at Taco Bell.
I was feeling ?guilty/ashamed/foolish/frustrated?about a gold chain I had purchased and that did not fit through the bale of the pendant I had intended it for. After 2 hours of trying to force it through, I had mashed the end to the point that it would not clasp anymore. In the back of my mind I knew this would happen, but another part of me was determined to MAKE IT WORK! It didn't, and I realized I was now going to have to take it to a jeweler to fix it... more $. I put it back in the box and hid it and was bothered all day about it. When I told my husband about it at Taco Bell, he laughed and told me that I was not accountable to him for how I spent the money. He explained to me that he is frugal when it comes to himself, but has a totally different standard about what is wife needs and wants...and he is totally ok with it, because he trusts that I know what our budget is... and he knows that there are certain things that make me happy (purses, jewelry, etc) and that I work hard and deserve them.
Well, that was a revelation and a relief. I don't need his approval, and I think I have enough self-control not to run with that...and if I blow it, he will still love me.