I was diagnosed with bipolar 8 yrs ago. But had it for a long time. It started with small panic attacks, and they grew. I would go from happy to not being able to function. This caused me to lose a lot of jobs, due to the always feeling that someone was out to get me, and I was going to be fired at any minute. I would always have the feeling of wanting the other shoe to drop. I have been on different meds, which help a little, but then stop working. I also have been put on meds that make me feel 100% out of it.  My Dr. has told me that Bipolar has given me a very self destructive personality. I do it with out knowing I do it. It has put a major strain on my married life. My wife has been great about helping me with my mood swings, and depression but I am just waiting for the day she turns to me and says I can not deal with this anymore. I know that will be the end of me. My Dr. just keeps changing my meds, and I feel how is this making me better, how am I working thru this.... Am I truly working thru this or am I just hiding it from the world.

I ask myself every day what I did so wrong in my life that every time I move two steps forward, I get knocked back on my ass. Is this how I am to live my so called life? Losing job after job, due to this illness?  Does the world really need me in it, to function? Is this a test of G-D for me, to make me stronger? If it is, it is not working; it is making me weaker, each time. I feel so lost, and so alone even in a room full of people.  

I am not sure if anyone else out there has problems with knowing right from wrong, and telling yourself it is wrong, but still doing it. This has caused me the most pain. I stolid from my employer, and knew it was wrong, my gut told me it was wrong, but still did it due to knowing it would get me fired, if I was caught. That happened 8 years ago, and I am dealing with it everyday, losing out on great jobs, due to what I had done. My lawyer was not wanting to explain to the asst. D.A, and Judge that I suffered from Bipolar. I physiologist advised me to let them know, but my lawyer said if I did I would be found guilt right away. I was found guilty anyway so how did not telling them hurt me, anymore?

I really do not know which way to turn; I do not know what to do with myself. Everyone says keep smiling, and keep yourself busy. How can I keep smiling when there is nothing to smile about? How can I keep busy when I do not have the strength to do so and to fighting with Bipolar? I feel like giving up, but then it would cause heart ache to the ones I love and love me. But how much long can I take this? How much long can I keep fighting, and fighting daily with no end insight?

I feel I am against the ropes, with nothing left inside of me.