This is a reflection of my life, back then I looked at it all as just normal actions of a normal person.  In being diagnosed Type I Bi-polar disorder, and doing research on the disease, I have come to understand myself a little more, not totally and there are a great many things I do not understand yet and maybe never will.  This reflection is part of a process to understand myself more.  It is not every little detail of my life, there are many more little things I remember doing that where extremely reckless, off the wall, or just plain spontaneous, or extreme mood swings.  I care not to go into every detail of my life, to do so, this reflection would end up being a book and that is not its purpose, this is just a mirror to parts of my life.
     1998: senior year.  Began as a great year, a lil more hyper from going off of my medication but nothing I was worried about.  Did all your normal senior stuff, torment lower classman, (running down the halls after setting my boots on fire, ya not normal but everyone laughed) dancing at lunchtime with a group of my friends on the hood of my car (my car was a central hangout at lunchtime), had about 3 different groups of friends (all that disliked the other groups), had a girlfriend and my first girlfriend at that, before while about 80% of my friends where of the opposite sex, they were just friends.   November I believe was senior ball; this is when my world turned upside down and probably the worst part of my high school life.  At the ball, my girlfriend ditched me, really didn’t think much of it that night, and still had my other friends there.  The next day I found out she cheated on me, not only cheated but was with one of my best friends and his girlfriend.  I felt betrayed, more than betrayed and utterly numb, not just by my girlfriend but also by my best friend.  A few days later my friend and I got into a fight in the school parking lot, granted he eventually pinned me down because he did not want to fight,  the crowd took my side and people where kicking him.  I calmed down, and we stopped fighting, but still would not talk to him.  I was hurt and angry, not so much at him but myself for doing what I did to a friend that I knew sense we where babies.  A few days later feeling extremely guilty and hateful of myself for what I did, I went to his house and apologized, we talked a bit and I left.  Still not feeling right about this and for the first time felt alone and guilty of all that I did, more like despair and despised myself.  I wanted to disappear, so I tried to.  I went for a drive, went out to the bear paw mountains, by this time I was drunk, full of hate and anger.  This led to my first and only true suicidal attempt, still unsure what gave me the urge to go this extreme other then the guilt and wanting to escape.  I about 12 or so aspirin/ sleep aid, thinking between the alcohol and the aspirin my blood would be thin.  I slashed my left wrist (still have faint scar reminding me of this), I must of blacked or passed out for do not remember much after this.  Some lower classmates found me (forgot to mention the spot I went to was one of many classmates went to party and drink).  I woke up with my wrist all bandaged up and feeling like a semi hit me, I was not taken to the hospital or anything because of everyone’s underage drinking, fearing repercussions, only them and a few others knew of this attempt.   I really do not remember to much detail from back then that I believe may be signs of bi-polar, but did talk a lifelong friend that I have known probably dating back to first grade he did tell me “you always had your highs and lows, we all did; but your highs were extremely high, and your lows extremely low.”