I have been diagnosed and while I was working I was on Lamictal and was seeing both a therapist and a psychiatrist. For a while I was able to get free samples. I got a job with great insurance and was able to pay for it. That job has gone down with the total economy. I feel like I am back at square one, unmedicated, couch-surfing to avoid going back to my mother's and losing independence. I have taken the time to read as much literature as I can on Bipolar Disorder and my undersanding of the totality and chronicity of the disorder has been welcome. I just feel trapped in a cycle of beein uninsured and unemployed due to the disorder, and unable to think through what next steps to take, and feeling that I cannot believe I will have to ask more of my family. I saw them all during the holidays and they know what is going on. Because of reading about IPSRT I think that I am experiencing a mourning of my "healthy self" and that may be one of the reasons I took on a chavelier attitude towards maintenance and adherence to medication.
This new year will be my thirtieth, in my twenties I came out as a gay man and felt then that I had to catch up to a timeline in my head that charts my ambitious view of where I want my life to be. I think with being bipolar the worst thing I heard in therapy was that I would have to lower my expectations. But it is now obvious I will have to embrace or bearhug this diagnosis. Thats hard for me, I grew up with the expectation of being a very high functioning person, I am gifted and I hear the word brilliant said to describe me all the time. I just don't feel so brilliant. My natural insticts are to try my hand at professions in life that demand risk-taking but now I feel like for the sake of those that care for me I must "lower expectations". This Hurts.
something you typed struck me... the having to "lower my expectations" due to the disorder.
why?
yes, I know the disorder causes one to tumble and turn quite a bit as if in a washer that is off balanced but to lower one's expectations or goals in life because of it is to give the disorder power, and to name it as your excuse for not living up to your goals or someone else's expectations (ie., relationships).
No... when I was first diagnosed I too felt my whole life was now downhill. I sat there, in the day room of the psych hospital in a daze. The daze was partly due to the heavy over handness of meds but also because I was in shock. I knew the diagnosis to be the right one. I knew it. After 30 years of misdiagnosis and treatment, I knew deep down to the point it "clicked" that it was right. However, knowing it was "right" brought on a lot of other emotions and thoughts.
One of those was... I'll never amount to anything now. The dreams I've had since childhood will never be now. I'll sit in the waiting rooms of mental health clinics, dazed, with a caretaker walking me to and fro now. My life will consist of doc appointments, heavy mind altering meds, therapy, and it will be forever cause they (in the hospital) said it was life long.
I quit the job I had once I got home cause the meds had me in a state where I couldn't think, function, comprehend. Every little bit of stress overwhelmed me cause I lost confidence in myself to be able to handle something, and it just went on and on.
I'm not in a much better shape these years later but I refuse to believe that because I have Bipolar Disorder that I must resign myself to sit on the couch, pop pills, go to therapy and appointments, and otherwise give up trying to have a life that is both meaningful and purposeful.
I work, or at least I did till I was laid off last week. I intend to find yet another job and work again. Do I enjoy working? Hell no. Is it easy for me? Hell no. Does it, at times, intensify my symptoms what they might be at that moment? Hell Yes but, that is what the Pdocs and the Tdocs and the Meds are for.
You can believe what you want to believe, give in to the Disorder and feel yourself disabled if you'd like. The job you had wasn't lost because of your disorder nor was mine... they were lost due to the economy. You don't have to return to work if you don't feel you are able, you don't have to do anything you don't feel you are able to do but, don't use the disorder as the excuse for not doing anything at all or for "lowering your expectations."
Sug you might have to modify or adjust some of the circumstances in order to fit the Disorder into your goals in life, cause it will always be in the mix. Yet, I truly and honestly believe that with a lot of effort on your part right now... eventually, in time, you can figure a way to live your life - with your expectations not lowered - with the disorder right along with it, if that is what you really choose to do.
There are pharmaceutical assistance programs out there for meds, there is your local MH clinic and/or center that often sees patients on a sliding scale and/or for free based on your state - there are options available. You just might have to make a bit harder effort to find them. I know, at times, that's easier said than done but it is possible.
thanks for kindly swift kick in the behind