I have been unemployed partly due to just how I handle work, the economy, and the pesky way companies pay nothing and give you no healthcare. However I have been learning, I came onto this site and maybe for the first time I am understanding how amazingly challenging a bipolar diagnosis can be.
Right now I am working on getting back on meds without a job and insurance. I am on food stamps so I eat everyday. I have the support of my family and friends.
When I initially sought out a diagnosis I thought that I had Seasonal Affective Disorder. I may have secretly wanted the dark thing in my soul to be a little feline and not this roaring lion of a condition. However without meds this Chicago winter makes me feel like the shades are drawn down, and I am in the backseat of my personality, a little withdrawn but not depressed. In the past I would spend fall and winter at the bars, even when I was on medication partly because I wanted to prove that I could be on meds and keep living what I felt to be a vivacious social life. Every once in awhile I wort snort some coke.
After two years now with the diagnosis, learning more about co-morbidity, IPSRT, Dialectical Behavior Therapy etc. I sorta know the lay of the land.
I am noticing that I am phase delayed, I sleep at 4am and wake up between noon and 4pm. I eat two and half meals a day. I drink a lot of fluids. yeah my life is boring as hell, but I am noticing that even without meds in the winter (though certainly not functioning like a normal person would) things are not soo bad.
But this is without the anxiety I would face if I was under a lot of pressure, which is what usually happens in life ---> form work from roomates from family.
I am beginning to see that in the winter's things used to be a little funky like this during my early twenties. With stress and the varied cycle of sleep and social activity in addition to drinking started me towards what by my mid twenties was a raging cycling bipolar mania.
These are some disjointed thoughts but it fascinates me what a puzzle this disorder it.
Hey, Ex Fato Fides,
Glad you wrote again. I am new to this site so I went back to see what you had written before and what response others had given. I didn't want to repeat "same old, same old."
I saw that your reaction to "stay on the meds and keep on trying and don't give up your dreams b/c you can do it" felt like a kick in the butt. Mmmmm. I am sorry b/c I felt like that person was trying to give you hope not critisize you. I feel like I am being critisized when people are trying to help me with my BP issues a lot too. Glad you wrote back because maybe you'll give me a chance to encourage (that is give you "courage" in this tough time.)
I am female and I hate being dependent--I can imagine your frustration being dependent on family, friends, doc or meds--as a bright, young guy--this has got to be frustrating. It took me a long time to see that the help I accepted and continue to accept makes me more productive. It is an illusion that my creativity ( I paint) is enhanced by the active phases of the disease. But I have to tell you that it took me a long time to figure it out. You sound like you still have people around that want to help you. Please don't waste any more time refusing a hand UP in life. I would love to hear that "dug deep" in your soul and found the strong inner core that has a sense of "knowing."
You could do so much for others if you found the faith in yourself and others that there is a special thing you need to do when you gain some control over this disease. I even see a book. Are you keeping a journal?
Best,
C
PS Please don't use drugs--you know that is destructive--an attempt at eascapism--I believe you know that. Again, Best to you friend.
Thanks for writing and your due diligence. I have kept journals, I tend to when I am depressive, I am going to get myself a journal for my birthday.