How Are You?

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Thu, June 18, 2009

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Poetry Selection...

How are you?

The reply is without thought,
always fine, chipper, great, how are you?
The words, automatic, despite affect,
tumble out like fresh rose petals,
fleeing a dying flower, without meaning.
Smooth and supple they roll off the tongue,
politely falling on expectant ears.

And how are you?
The words slip out,
unconsciously, without context.
Take one as you please--
a sampler of social niceties.

It seems that when a person has a medical or mental illness they are more aware of being asked how they are, even though it is a common practice to inquire with a greeting. I find that whether I am doing well or not, I mostly always answer fine and sometimes feel a bit guilty for saying so, if it is not true. Very rarely does anyone, I greet and ask, reply with a negative comment.

I am wondering how you feel, if you are less than honest when asked and if you think it is just polite social convention to give a positive report? Are there people in your lives you are completely honest to in this regard? Feel free to comment with other thoughts and ideas about this.

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nolongerhere

6/19/09 5:53am

I think that it is a social ritual of our time. We all do it when we meet someone most time without thinking perhaps just to say how is everything going? And often we say fine meaning that our life is fine everything is in order.

It is a terrible social custom to ask: How are you? People who suffer from Depression or Bipolar fear this word. I used to fear this word. What could I say I am well when inside I feel like someone in my family has died like something terrible is going to happen?

But it is mostly an involuntary social custom a stupid and insensitive custom. Here in Australia we are suppose to smile and say : "I am well (or fine) thank you". Imagine giving someone a big smile when one is depressed. It is ridiculous

knowthyself

6/21/09 5:14pm

Alfredo,

Thanks for the down-under perspective. I think it is the same in many places across the globe. Maybe, when everyone is asked, if they would unload all their problems, asking how someone was in a social or professional setting would be avoided.

Tabby

6/19/09 7:08am

If it is someone I am "used" to, in that it isn't someone I'm meeting for the very first time or is strictly business, I may then ask "Do you really want to know how I am or do you want me to tell you what you want to hear?" WHEN I'm in a very bad place mood wise.

This always throws the person off guard and causes them to lose focus for a few seconds OR if it is someone who I really don't want to engage in pleasantries with.. causes them to generally run or briskly walk away from me. Only on occasion does a person say "Well of course I want to know how you really are doing." To that I then smile and say "but, are you prepared to hear how I'm really doing?"

I hate when folks I know or have known ask me this question never really interested in truly how I'm doing. I used to answer in the social graciousness I was raised in to say "fine, thank you and how are you?" so as to not burden them with my true situation. Yet, as I've gotten older and my depressions have lingered longer, and I've gotten more tireder because of them, I just don't have much energy in me to be so utterly superficial anymore.

If my face reads, and my body language reads, that I'm in a low depressed state of being as I've been told off and on by various souls in the past... then why ask me how I'm doing if you honestly don't care to know?

Course, sometimes I do answer that "I'm F.I.N.E."

F = F----d Up

I = Insecure

N = Neurotic

E = Emotional

dark angel

6/19/09 11:54am

i know what you mean!

i hate that stuff anyway.

i don't like pleasantries.

so i don't engage in it at all if i don't have to.

and no one ever really cares how we are doing.

and i don't want to tell them--like you don't either

oh well--anyway....

darkangel

knowthyself

6/21/09 5:25pm

Tabby,

It seems you take the rattlesnake approach, with a good warning that you are prepared to strike. It's true many do not care at all and it is also true that with a mental disorder a person soon becomes aware of stigma and avoids discussing psychologial issues that are causing distress. It seems so much easier to talk about distressing events or physical injuries, others might understand.

knowthyself

6/21/09 5:46pm

Even after several inquiries from friends or family, it can become irritating. The question, how are you, can become a reminder that there is something wrong or not perfectly right.

Who cares, bugger off, or other mental comments can become a response to the question.

BeadGoddess

7/ 1/09 9:30pm

I think I always say great or fine for a few reasons. One is - I wish I were. Another is - I dont want anyone to worry.

And third - ughh - if you arent fine they try to fix you - and although the thought behind it may be sweet - they are not trained professionals and have no idea how to fix me - I dont even know how to fix me

So really I have a few close people that I will be honest with and my therapist. Everyone else gets the good, how are you?

Usually people ask just to be asked back too - so they then go off about themselves and I can continue on with my day.

Funny - I never really thought about this before you asked....thanks!

knowthyself

7/ 1/09 11:46pm

Unfortunately, quite a few people still see mental illness as a character flaw, making it detrimental sometimes to discuss. Having experience negative consequences due to discussing the disorder, I was curious as to how open others were and how they dealt with inquiries from others.

I liked the answer about those that ask, so that you inquire. It made me think of the occasional individual with an inflated self esteem, who not only tells you how wonderful they are but also adds their accomplishments and current endevours.

How Are You?

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