Things I am afraid of.

You have a lot of valid concerns so let’s break them down. Just because you were diagnosed doesn’t make it the end of the world. If the worst you get is hippomanic why it that you are now in treatment? Usually some turn of events ends up getting us captured.

There are going to be side effects to any of the medications you take. Some go away in time and others need to be addressed if it is worsens your condition. Don’t make your whole life revolve around your condition. Giving daily updates needs to come to an end. If your having problems, then absolutely talk it out with your husband, but this is your responsibility to keep yourself well and by doing what your doing will cause an enabling to take place.

What do you expect by telling your mom or for a matter of fact, anyone else? By being vocal and telling all usually ends up in a disaster. If you and your mom are close, by all means…if it is too get her into treatment, forget it. A lot of people have lost custody a battle just because of the label of bipolar was used against them. The only way anyone will know is if you tell them.  It’s against the law for even your psychiatrist or therapist to say anything unless they feel you are a danger to yourself or others. So…don’t tell the daughter at this point.

Hopefully your new husband married you for you and not a psychical attraction. Some of the medications used do have a side effect of weight gain, but there are just as many that don’t. You have to weight it out and I would go as far as asking why you need any medications in the first place if you are not causing any problems. A lot of people with our illness don’t require medications.

You mention support groups. Be careful that you don’t fall into the trap of picking up bad habits from being around others that are in crisis and unstable. If everything for the most part is going well at home, the last place you need to be is at a support group unless the majority are doing well. The tendency to take over the group and try to fix everyone is easy to pick up. Right now you need to concentrate on yourself.

Right now the job crisis is affecting everyone and not just people with the illness.  I know a lot of people that are going through temp services trying to get gainful full-time employment. My suggestion would be to bypass these temp services and look in your local paper for job posts and well as asking family and friends to keep their eyes and ears open for a possible job. What is it that you feel you are good at and would enjoy? There are a number of companies that have call centers that work right from home as well as a number of online businesses. Don’t let this keep you from getting back on that horse again. Be thankful that it was only a temp service that let you go.

Start walking now if that is an option for you. Just a 15 minutes or so to begin with. Short phrases of encouragement were given to me when I was diagnosed (I'm also in 12 step recovery) Look up at the sky not down at your feet.  Look out the window and not in the mirror.  Let the people who love you, love you.  If you wonder where you are,  look down at your feet-there you are.  When it all becomes too confusing, try just being STILL. That's kinda hard when you're manic, but you can do it.

Make a safety net for yourself--this helps as much as anything I think. It goes kinda like this: who will pay your bills if you are too far out to do so. What will you do with your pets if you are hospitalized.  Who will care for your kids if you have children. Who can you give your credit cards or checkbooks to if you hit The BIPOLAR SPENDING SPREE. You get the idea.

The thing about your weight. Advocate for yourself or take someone with you who can when seeing your medication doctor. Tell him or her you won't take the pills that make you fat. Just say it. Tell them your fear about being unattractive to the man you love and live with.  It's a real, real hard thing to do at first. If you are prescribed a medication that is putting on the weight or is just too strong for you: Tell It. There are quite a few drugs out there. I continue going through the list because all of them end up going toxic on me. 

The best read out there is a book by Kaye Jameson, An Unquiet Mind. Written beautifully. She is a Ph.D with this BP and works at Johns Hopkins.

Most importantly --educate yourself as much as you can. The more you know about it the better able you will be to recognize symptoms and get ahead of them. The day will come that you will be able to spot a hard time coming and know what to do. It takes time and courage; this shit is not for sissies.  With my medicine man's assistance, I came off of all medications about 6 months into it.  I told him (psychiatrist) and her (counselor psychologist Ph.D.) I needed to find out for myself that it was real. And I did just that. Oh yes you best believe I got my answer. I went back on meds and had a much better understanding of this.

Remember let the people who love you, help you. Find a counselor to go along with the medicine guy, preferably a woman since you are a female.

A friend of mine said this: If you were in the tribal days of the First Nation People or American Indians, you would be considered one of the Holy Ones.

Take care, Carla L.

I really appreciate your comments.  The reason I was diagnosed was because I was in a state of agitation that was making it difficult to have a normal relationship with my husband and daughter.  It was only for the last few months (interestingly, since I started that temp job), and I was given Lexapro, which flipped me to manic.  That, along with a symptom list and the fact that I had previously had a very negative reaction to Elavil, was enough for a diagnosis.  I am, however, going to University of Michigan for a full workup in a few weeks. 

The reasons for pursuing medication are because it seems like I can maintain myself at a certain level, but it's not the level I want to be at.  I can handle things as long as I am not working, but I'd like to work.  I also go to school fulltime (although online, because it's easier for me to handle the attendance and interaction appropriately).  And I'd really like to be able to go to school in person.  I am functional within limits, but I would like to push those limits to the point where I can do the things I want to do. 

I was reading like a madman for the first few weeks, but now I've taken a break from it.  Probably another week and I'll grab a few more.  I'm very lucky - our library has a lot of books on bipolar, including the Unquiet Mind -- I read that the first week!! 

I do have a counselor - he's a Ph.D.  I haven't talked to him since a few hours before I was told that I was terminated at my job.  I think I'll make an appt with him.  I know most women prefer working with women but I LOVE my male doc and male counselor. 

I think that so much of the stuff out there is geared towards depressives, that it doesn't paint a very rosy picture.  I just have to keep reminding myself that they're at a different place on the scale than I am, and that those things are not an inevitability for me.     ....  They aren't, right?

HI Freeda, I noticed another post from you. I always have the med fear. Everytime I start a new med, I worry about all the side effects. I took several different meds, an ddidn't gain any weight, in fact I lost, but they also didn't help that much. Now for the past  7 months I've been on Trileptal along with the clonazpema i've been taking for aover 2 years now. With the trileptal I have gained weight. 35 pounds to be exact ugh !! I know it isn't fun. I will talk to my Pdoc again about it. I also have a mother that was bipolar, I say was because she committed suicide 20 years ago when she was 49. She just never could stay on her meds. It's really good to work with your Pdoc to find the right med combo for you. sometimes it takes a while. I'm still experimenting to get the right thing down. The U of M has alot of really good things that other places don't have, and you should take advantage of all of that if you can. I wish you the best. I hope you find the right med combo for you. take care.

                                    DC.