im still pretty new to the realization of the bipolar. and right now i am in the hypomania. i dont mind it so much at all. ill take it anyday over the depression. the last depression i was just in was VERY difficult to make it alive on the other side through. in my readings about this...the depression will be upon me soon. or eventually. i dont know if i can take it. i am actually terrified of being there again. ive never felt this way about it before. i will not take meds anymore, and i fear talking to anyone (prof)because i do not want hospitalization at all. i have no friends and essentially no real family to talk to either. i am lost. my only recourse is the help from people on sites such as this which is a great help, but im scared of what is about to come and i feel like im spinning faster and faster
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scared of inevitable crash
10/ 2/09 3:19pm
Do you think it is wise to not take medication when you need it the most, to stop all that emotional roller coaster? If you don't take any medication that your Pdoc prescribed you, how can you avoid feeling lost and alone? Don't forget that these are the symptoms of depression.
You will feel lost and with extreme emotional pain and most likely avoiding people.
Fight it, don't give up, fight back. Take your medication and wait for them to help you get well again, don't let it win you ok?
We are here, when and if you need us, please take your medication, we all do it in order to be in balance, we are warriors, we fight. Your perception gets altered without the meds.
Alex
10/ 2/09 8:41pm
wise or no, i just dont think i can do it anymore, or again. ahh, avoidance, if not for work would i see the out of doors? almost never. but then again, there is no one to avoid, no real/true contact. could care less anymore or at least the majority of the time.
i am tired of fighting, so, so tired of fighting for it all, yet my stubborness wont let me not fight. what hinders alot of me is also what keeps me going. what do they call that? goofy i guess :)
thank you for your post...it is appreciated and it helps
10/ 3/09 2:11am
try to stay calm, it will pass. i have been there all too many times...but i got used to it and worked on my congitive-behavioral therapies and lessened it a bit. try to make the best of it by doing things that make you feel better. i just smoke it away! or sleep it off...irr but when i feel it coming i pay attention to what is causeing it and try to deal without jepordizing my health--i after figuring out what is going on i can change the outcome by change the emotions and thinking and by dealling first before it happens and it won't happen. or then just let it happen and ride with it.
darkangel
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"i will not take meds anymore, and i fear talking to anyone (prof)because i do not want hospitalization at all. i have no friends and essentially no real family to talk to either. i am lost. my only recourse is the help from people on sites such as this which is a great help, but im scared of what is about to come and i feel like im spinning faster and faster"
just some thoughts i had while reading your sharepost... all they are... well, are thoughts and they can be taken with a grain of salt if you wish... just thoughts, that's all
i'm only replying cause it seems no one else has of yet
you say you are pretty new to the realization of being diagnosed with the disorder
and you go on to say that you realize you are in a state of hypomania and are loving it in comparison to the depressions you have and just recently had
you also recognize that the last depression you had was extremely difficult to pull through and through your reading on the disorder... you know depression will return
you state your anxiety and fear of another bout
yet you refuse to talk to any professionals (psychiatrist and/or therapist) because you don't want to be hospitalized and you refuse any medications
and are relying solely on folks behind computer screens to help you get through what you know is coming just around the corner
seems that while you acknowledge being pretty new to the realization you have not yet fully "gotten it" that you have been diagnosed... seems by your written statements that you are still in denial and being in denial does close the mind to those potential avenues of assistance when needed
bipolar is a ever changing mistress of a disorder
you say you recognize being in hypomania and are enjoying it... okay, nothing really wrong there at the moment
but, depression for many does not always immediately follow
sometimes, for some, tripping into a full blown mania happens
sometimes, for some, mixing happens (where you have mania & depression)
and then for some... yes, depression comes and it comes relatively hard and quick to many
longer one typically goes untreated or undertreated, the harder and harsher the mistress plays with your mind and in truth...either direction or in both directions at the same time is far from pleasant for the individual in reality, and all those surrounding them
relying solely on blips on a lighted up screen to be your lifeline is not always a good thing
sure, it's nice to converse with folks who get what might be going on and to realize you are not completely by yourself in this journey
yet, we are only blips on a lighted up screen... pixels
and as you've noticed here... you do not always get replies or not as quick as you'd hope
or
not the ones you may have been expecting
what you do and how you live your life is completely up to you and to you to decide...
only you know your life
just know that there is help available in your community and there is treatment of various sorts
and I pray that you will have mercy during your next go through of whichever direction it takes you and that you will stay safe
I do appreciate your thoughts and opinions. i realize it doesnt give me much of a place to speak in my refusal of the meds and docs. i am stubborn to a bad fault and much to my detriment....sigh...but i cannot do it, i have briefly mentioned the idea of bipolar to my parents and though they are supportive, i almost regret it because i fear that nothing good can come from anyone knowing this. even support groups i could go to in my area i am afraid that they will be bound by laws if i speak my mind. the fact that i cannot or do not have anyone that i can talk to about this (aside of docs) is the hardest, hardest part, especially when they dont get and/or dont know the cycles that i go through. i dont mind waiting for the blips and the pixels, as i dont really trust anyone at all. i feel i should be able to handle this on my own, which i know...i know. and yes i do know im still in a bit of denial about it, but i am finally starting to catch the little signs that before i would have ignored, and so far that has been a great help in dealing. the mixed and hypo is a little rough, mostly because of the mounting anger, and my personality, but the depression is too much to bear.
i thank you for your post. it helps, believe me