relationships

Bipolar destroying my marriage

NewBride Community Member May 14, 2008
  • My husband and i met in college - we were totally in love.  We finally got engaged after 4 1/2 yrs of dating, and married 2 yrs after that.  We've been together for 8 1/2 years now and he was recently diagnosed.  Looking back I can see the signs now.  He comes from a broken family - all who have mental illnesses.  But he's always been successful and for the most part loving, so i thought it skipped him.  I got him a therapist 2 1/2 yrs ago thinking he could solve some of his past childhood issues - but it didn't seem to help much.

     

    Things started going down hill once he started grad school and 2 different certification tests (which had 4 parts each).  He studied TOO much, after work, on weekends...We moved into a home, started renovating it, and all the while he just didn't do well with stress.  We thought it was just a stress/anxiety issue, but it got worse and worse.  If I ever got stressed out or upset he could never comfort me becuase HE was the one always stressed and NOBODY understood HIS pressures.  He grabbed me a few times when he got really upset - nothing too bad but it did frighten me.  His studying got more excessive, and i think it was a coping mechanism now.  I felt alone all the time. 

     

    Then this past Feb 2008, it went downhill.  He was always tired (couldn't sleep) and had pounding chest pains.  He started to complain non-stop, picking apart his job, me, our marriage and life in general.  He also had memory loss and couldn't keep instructions straight and couldn't concentrate at work.  He was seeing every Dr imaginable to find out what was wrong - he went to the cardiologist, nuerologist, you name it!  This was around the 1st time he took off work, and found out (or thought) he had depression.  He stayed in bed for a week and started to verbally abuse me.  Nothing i did was right.  If i pointed at him or tilted my head the wrong way i was evil.  If i picked him up a gift i was a liar.  It was insane and after a month of this I started getting out of the house to get away from it all.  Then he would blame me all the time for leaving him and not being there for him.  Yet he wouldn't let me go to his Dr's appts with him (he later said he didn't want me to tell the Dr's how he was really behaving - he always wanted to look successful to everyone).

     

    I finally found a marriage counsiler because i began thinking maybe he was just unhappy with me!  We went once and he seemed upbeat about it, but then it got bad again.  I went to my parents for a week and wrote him a letter, basically outlining how he's been acting, what i've done to try to help, and that i was leaving him for a while.  He called me and begged not to leave him - told me he loved me and was nothing without me.  So i came back and saw a different Dr with him - who diagnosed him with bipolar.

     

    I was heartbroken.  I've seen his mother deal with this - and it was nasty.  We went home, everything seemed ok for the night, and when i woke up, i found him standing over me yelling at me again.  I couldn't handle it - i called his mom to come take care of him cause she is the only person who he was listening to.  She in turn took him, and never called me.  I felt helpless, like i had failed.  I know none of this is my fault, but the fact that not only was my husband excluding me from his treatment, but now his FAMILY was too!  It disgusts me, but my family has made me see that they are sick as well and i can't count on them.  He continued to blame me - even though he sometimes didn't know why, and sometimes he would just nit-pick at things to pin on me.  I would ask, "why do you love me one day and hate me the next?" and he'd say "i don't know" but then when i bring that point up he forgets he said it.... then he call me and tell me "i don't think i am bipolar, and i don't like this medication."  Denial......

  •  

    Meanwhile I was running around seeing the marriage counciler by MYSELF still, plus his Dr's and I even went to bipolar support groups.  I know why he's pushed me away, but HE doesn't seem to realize it, which is the one thing i can't get over.  I have great friends and family around me, but i miss my husband, or at least the husband i knew and have loved for almost 9 yrs.  Once he began threatening me with seperation and divorce, i couldn't take the verbal crap anymore and went to a lawyer and had a letter sent to him basically saying, stop sending mean emails, make an appt with your wife and Dr, or go thru with your divorce threat already..... well he got that, came home, and went to see a lawyer.  I can't bear living in the house with him right now.  He's an empty shell of the man i used to love.  I pleaded with him to go to the marriage counsiler with me but he just wants to throw our love away.  He moved some clothes out yesterday, and I'm at a loss.  I've been the one fighting for this and why?  He's only been on meds for under 4wks and nothing has changed... he's heartless towards me, even when i cry.  I guess i have to let him go, and i'm crushed because i loved him so much, and our life together with our dogs.  I wonder if in a year he will wake up from this and realize what he's done - pushed the only support and constant love he ever had out of  his life for no reason at all..... i'm so devastated.  To think you will grow old with someone and then to think about starting life ALL over again when you had everything........

     

     

26 Comments
  • Crystal
    Dec. 29, 2013
    In reading these comments, I'm just appalled. The lack of knowledge here is unbelievable. The way you people approach someone with Bipolar is so wrong. Education is key. People admitting they have Bipolar, seeing a pscychiatrist, faithfully taking their meds and trying new ones if they are not working, seeing a therapist, going to Bipolar groups and getting...
    RHMLucky777
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    In reading these comments, I'm just appalled. The lack of knowledge here is unbelievable. The way you people approach someone with Bipolar is so wrong. Education is key. People admitting they have Bipolar, seeing a pscychiatrist, faithfully taking their meds and trying new ones if they are not working, seeing a therapist, going to Bipolar groups and getting a bloodwork for Thyroid and vitamin deficiency ( which can cause some of these problem or exasperate existing Bipolar). Doing something enjoyable for oneself, limit stress and sleep is very important. Being a workaholic is only going to exasperate Bipolar. It can be a job to maintain stability but it can be done. The person with Bipolar did not choose this illness in addition to the roller coaster they may be on at times. Going to a Therapist who specializes in Bipolar is a must for the person who does not have Bipolar. Compassion, understanding, educating yourselves on Bipolar and how you can help and talk to the other person is vital. All I hear is complaining and not being proactive with your partner who does want help or is on meds that aren't working. It's certainly your choice to leave them but unless you have done the things outlined above don't say you tried. I hear a lot of giving up here but your doing all the wrong things. Btw, Marriage Counselors are not versed with Bipolar. And besides, it doesn't sound like the marriage is the problem, it's the Bipolar. You have to look for help in the right places!
  • For the Broken Heart
    Dec. 28, 2013

    I am going thru the Same Thing LoL... Just Web Sufing and Came to this Thread because it relates to my suffering.

     

    All I can say is Learn how to Live your Own Life. It is hard when you are deeply in love with your Husband. I Love my Mother of my Child, deeply, but it gets to point when it starts destorying your life and distracting you on a daily basis....

    RHMLucky777

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    I am going thru the Same Thing LoL... Just Web Sufing and Came to this Thread because it relates to my suffering.

     

    All I can say is Learn how to Live your Own Life. It is hard when you are deeply in love with your Husband. I Love my Mother of my Child, deeply, but it gets to point when it starts destorying your life and distracting you on a daily basis. Thats when it time to take a step back and protect yourself. Do not allow anyone to bring you down over Sensless behavior. I delt with it for 3 years. Evertually it became a downhill slope. Unless they recongize that they have a issue ( in this case she does ) and learn on their own to become a better person. But we are still seperated. But at least she acknowledges she has a personal issue. And has to work on. I can tell you that unless he becomes self aware of his behavior there is no helping him. You cannot help someone that thinks they are right and blame everything on you. You can't help someone that doesn't want help. 

     

    I can say this... True Real Love Conquers all Things. If he Really Loves You, he will change. But if he stays selfish and denial... then you know where this leads to. Just stay positive and work on living a life without him. If he Loves you.. he will be back. All you can do is move on with your own life and don't waste time doing that. You will regret it.

     

    Ask God for guidance and the Strength to do what needs to be done in your life. Ask for wisdom on how to behave when confront with your husband actions. Treat his bad actions with love and kindness and don't resort to judgment and accusations as that won't resolve anything. Kindness can cool off a Hot Head. And that doesn't mean by being all over him. But simple acts of kindness and love from a distance. 

     

    Its hard but I believe you can conquer this road you are on. Just be strong and think with a clear head and love with good heart. 

     

    Good Luck! God Bless

  • mj77
    May. 05, 2009

    I read it like you asked me to, and all i can say is wow. I do see the parallels! he has memory loss, chest pains, tired all the time, a workaholic...and your last paragraph..you're me.Cry and I'm so so sorry, you are.

    • Anonymous
      Brokenfoot
      May. 22, 2009

      I looked up bipolar disorder in a medical dictionary and this is what it says: a major mental disorder characterized by episodes of mania, depression, or mixed mood. In mania, a sense of omnipotence and delusions of grandeur may occur.  In depression phase, marked apathy and underactivity are accompanied by feelings of profound sadness, loneliness,...

      RHMLucky777

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      I looked up bipolar disorder in a medical dictionary and this is what it says: a major mental disorder characterized by episodes of mania, depression, or mixed mood. In mania, a sense of omnipotence and delusions of grandeur may occur.  In depression phase, marked apathy and underactivity are accompanied by feelings of profound sadness, loneliness, guilt, and lowered self-esteem.  Causes are multiple and complex, often involving biologic, psychologic, interpersonal and social and cultural factors.  I am sorry you are going through this, keep a journal for yourself of his ups and downs, the date and time, so that you can keep track of his cycle...it will be important when he wants to get help that you can tell the psychiatrist of the things you have observed at home and the doctor will take your information into consideration when choosing medication.  On top of that he will be in deniel and probably not trust your words so its always best to have facts like these to show him his mood swings.  Remove yourself emotionally and control your situation at home is the first step in my opinion to keep your sanity.  I am more in control of my life and my kids because he cannot...at least until the medication can get to a therapeutic level and start to stabilize his mood swings.  I too remember years before this happened my husbands memory problems, working 2 swifts at a time, not being available emotionally with life and sleeping or nodding off, (make sure with dr.'s that its not sleep apnea) You are get support and counciling for yourself if you feel its overwhelming and they can help you cope with his problem.  I hope that helps somewhat.

  • Cheryl
    Mar. 15, 2009

    I could have written your story myself.  I am going through the worst pain because my husband acts like he hates me right now and yet just the week before our argument he was very loving and sweet.  I had often told him he was 2 different guys but he is always in denial.  He blames me and my kids on everything.  The day we got married...

    RHMLucky777

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    I could have written your story myself.  I am going through the worst pain because my husband acts like he hates me right now and yet just the week before our argument he was very loving and sweet.  I had often told him he was 2 different guys but he is always in denial.  He blames me and my kids on everything.  The day we got married I was in a good mood and I thought he was but he when couldn't find part of his outfit he said something snippy to me that was hurtful.  Of all days I thought I don't want to be mad at him today so I patiently and lovingly said, now I didn't do anything to you to make you act this way. He then still real pompous said, well I probably learned to act this way from you.  I made myself ignore the way he was acting and then later he was real loving again. I over looked things like this all throughout our 10 year marriage.  I don't even know why I love him anymore. I think well he'll be the same with someone else but then I think what a shame he may get help one day but wouldn't before he left and broke my heart.

    • Anonymous
      Brokenfoot
      Apr. 24, 2009

      I share your pain, my husband got diagnosis 4 weeks ago with bipolar after 5 months of mood swings, emotional affairs and verbal outburst.  Before this diagnosis we were the perfect couple with 2 small girls who love their daddy, purchased a brand new home far away from any family, and him starting a new job and been accepted into a school program...I...

      RHMLucky777

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      I share your pain, my husband got diagnosis 4 weeks ago with bipolar after 5 months of mood swings, emotional affairs and verbal outburst.  Before this diagnosis we were the perfect couple with 2 small girls who love their daddy, purchased a brand new home far away from any family, and him starting a new job and been accepted into a school program...I like many spouses have felt like a semitruck just hit me into left field, asking we were working as a team and now you want to be left alone, feelings of suicide and depression rule the day and night...he would blame me for being controlling and blamed the girls for being to needy, his faith went out the window saying why would God do this to him...he soon after pursued a young girl at work insisting a strong attraction or infatuation and they flirted with each other...he said he needed to feel he was okay, that he wanted someone to hold him and tell him it was going to be fine...i was heartbroken and told him to get out and have her wash your clothes and make your food too, but he did not want that.  He said he was sorry and went to see a psychiatrist who in 30 minutes diagnosis him with bipolar...he was in deniel, laughing but decided for the sake of our marriage to take some med's...I have never felt the same security and love that I had before this whole thing happened...I ponder the past and find red flags that told me that something was not normal.  For example, 3 days after our wedding day I came to hold my husband tight in an embrace and he pushes me away and yells at me that he doesn't want that....he was a very quite and secretive person who I had to constantly ask questions or guide a conversation...after we married I found out that his family had mental illness and then I wondered about him...he was very intelligent, had several degrees, aways saying he couldn't do it but then succeeding when he did it.  He was passive aggressive with me on different occasions trying to hurt me since he was a man of few words.  He was not good at managing money so I took over and so on...he left me to make most of the family decisions and with kids I soon started to resent him for him not taking a more active role...he escapes into music or computer work instead of talking with me - when the holidays came so did the thoughts of suicide and leaving the family saying he made a big mistake about moving us away and that he doesn't love us etc....I contacted my friends who knew us and they were in shock as well, and said that i must remove myself from the situation to be able to control my situation...everyone I told also were dumbfounded...So now my marriage is on hold, I am dealing with his illness, manipulation, cold-heartedness by reaching out to others who have gone before me to make sense of our lives....someone had said, you can't do it for them so you must do it for yourself otherwise like me your health will suffer and now your forced to talk care of yourself.  I have gained self-control for my feelings, I have connected with other women who have bipolar husbands and we talk, but still I am a lonely and sad woman who contemplates - can i live without feeling passion or love?  How about my girls- they are so needy and emotional now striving for attention and love from him while hes just so medicated...A man who is bipolar told me- if you see that hes attentive or sharing a moment take it because you'll never know when it comes again...imagine- I had it all and now its barely there...I feel like the wall is going to break and everything we worked for will start to fall apart- should I start working incase he loses his job...it is just horrible to deal with this reality and live 100's of miles away from people you know...

    • Cheryl
      Apr. 24, 2009

      I am so sorry you are going through this with kids that little.  At least my husband and I have no children together.  It has been almost 2 months now and the funny thing is, now that I have had a chance to step back, whether I wanted to or not, I can see his manipulative nature much better.  Right now he is very self absorbed and what he wants...

      RHMLucky777

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      I am so sorry you are going through this with kids that little.  At least my husband and I have no children together.  It has been almost 2 months now and the funny thing is, now that I have had a chance to step back, whether I wanted to or not, I can see his manipulative nature much better.  Right now he is very self absorbed and what he wants me to think is that he is just not clear on things so I will not be a problem in the court process and/or he will still have me to fall back on like a plan "b" or something.  I decided he is not who I idealized him to be.  I am making myself look at what he really is and I know that my own kids and myself are deserving of so much better. 

       

      I feel bad that you will still have to deal with your husband due to having kids together and that can make it harder especially when they have their doubts and try to manipulate you into feeling sorry for them and take them back.  Try and picture him as someone else you know and ask yourself, if he were such and such person would I put up with that from him then?  Sometimes when I do that I know I wouldn't but it is still hard, I know. 

       

      What I am doing is simply focusing on getting in the best shape of my life, watching things on tv I enjoy or reading positive things and knowing like any physical injury, in time I will feel better and recover.  If in the meantime or at that time your husband sees that you can do quilte well without him it will either cause him to get help and be serious about it or you will be rid of him and believe me by then you won't mind.  Imagine the possibility that out there some where is someone you will feel just as much love and passion for, I know it is hard when you are emotionally not wanting to right now, but just to make yourself feel better even if for just one minute, imagine yourself feeling all the love you feel for your husband but with someone that actually feels and treats you the same back.  Each time do it for as long as you can and at least for those few minutes you are being proactive for your emotional being and for a second after doing that at least, it will make you see how your husband pales in comparison to what you really want and deserve.

       

      Before you know it, the hardest decision you will have will be whether you want to take him back and try again or start over with someone new. Take back your power and know you are in charger of your life, not him.

       

      I am not a doctor or anything this is just my personal opinion but I am doing this myself and I wish you all the best.

    • Anonymous
      Brokenfoot
      May. 18, 2009

      Thank you so much for your experience.  I have observed my husband's first cycle and it looks like its been 5 months since his first episode.  He is now slowly going through small mood swings, saying hes going to stop his med's and he crys and becomes angry.  I have emotionally removed myself from sharing my innermost thoughts and feelings so...

      RHMLucky777

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      Thank you so much for your experience.  I have observed my husband's first cycle and it looks like its been 5 months since his first episode.  He is now slowly going through small mood swings, saying hes going to stop his med's and he crys and becomes angry.  I have emotionally removed myself from sharing my innermost thoughts and feelings so he would not have anyway to hurt me and have taken your advice to think about someone else treating me better and during the times he brings up his regret that he married or had kids because of how his life turned out - I cry and either think about how things could be with someone who can appreciate me and love me like I know I deserve and I feel a sense of power within myself.  Since the girls are small, and they love their father so much- I find it hard to leave...my husband is taking med's still and has started talking to a psychologist.  He is still under the psychiatrist care and still in school. I feel like an outsider looking in since hes not communicative and I have started to talk to others more, doing things without him.  He says that he is scared about the unknown and that he takes his med's because he loves me.  Deep down inside reality is always there and my hope is dead...I don't ever expect him to love me the way he did and thats what I need...imagine I am already stressed out with small kids and then not have the back up,consistency, or discipline they had before. I feel like a single mom- its such a hard job and to have your husband not pull his weight as a parent makes me resent him even more...maybe my love is changing - how sad to have wasted so many years to have this happen.  Of course he is still working at the same job and that woman is still a threat to me but he tries to reassure me that theres nothing there.  I feel stuck because of my financial situation and having no support for me and my children- it feels like a waiting game.  I think about what people have written here and they say that time is going and that I won't have this chance to do things over - it seems like my chances won't happen for a long time...but I am planning my future without him...If by the time I am fully independent again - the marriage is one sided then I will have the strength, resources and money to help me get out and take care of my kids.  I hope you will be okay in your situation, please take care of your kids no matter how old they are, I feel they are the greatest source of love during this time and for yourself remember you are not alone that there are other good people this has happened to - ex. like a brokenfoot, it is one step at a time and one day at a time, each day fill yourself with something you enjoy so that you will not lose yourself in his world.  And when he tells you not to tell people about what your going through - just tell him what he wants to hear or that you will try not to but that you can't promise because you feel all alone and you go and find as many people you can talk to and share your pain with because you need an outlet.  

  • Anonymous
    KT
    Oct. 28, 2008

    Reading all of these makes me feel not as alone as I usually do during the evening. I am currently married to a bipolar man. I have two children (aren't his). He came into my life and SWISHED me off of my feet...so intense, so passionate, creative, goofy. One of a kind. But I now experience all of the bipolar with him...like I'm having the symptoms too. I feel...

    RHMLucky777

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    Reading all of these makes me feel not as alone as I usually do during the evening. I am currently married to a bipolar man. I have two children (aren't his). He came into my life and SWISHED me off of my feet...so intense, so passionate, creative, goofy. One of a kind. But I now experience all of the bipolar with him...like I'm having the symptoms too. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster and it affects every aspect of my life. My kids, my job, my home, and my friends. The good still outweighs the bad, but I'm afraid it is only going to get worse. I feel completely exhausted, but as we all know, it is about them...not us. I'm a giver, a good person, and somewhat of a doormat. Might as well have a sign above my head that says...selfish people take advantage of me!! Anyway, not much to say except life can often suck when you are married to someone with this mental illness. Good weight loss plan is about the only plus. I have a breaking point like everyone, not sure when it will hit. OHHH, and the whole family thing?!?! Gosh that hit home...I'M blamed for lotsa stuff. Jeez. I'm blamed for his pill addiction that he had for 15 years before he even knew me?!? Come on. His mom used to divy out his meds to him everyday...now its my job. But when I forget, or leave them out, or forget to lock the lock box (my life is hectic)...he takes to many...and it is my fault of course. Wound up in the hospital from an OD couple weeks ago, had a Grand Mal Siezure. Ugh. Wish I could have the most amazing man I know and love 24/7. Tyring to be patient.

  • pxm3965
    Aug. 28, 2008

    Oh I feel so sorry for you but yet happy at the same time for your new life.  I am living in the same type of situation basically and it is nothing but a rollarcoaster ride everyday.  I never know who is going to answer the phone, the good guy or the bad guy.  However mine will not even go to the dr let alone take meds.  He has done everything...

    RHMLucky777

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    Oh I feel so sorry for you but yet happy at the same time for your new life.  I am living in the same type of situation basically and it is nothing but a rollarcoaster ride everyday.  I never know who is going to answer the phone, the good guy or the bad guy.  However mine will not even go to the dr let alone take meds.  He has done everything for everyone and know one has done anything for him, that is how he thinks.  It is a terrible way to live sister and don't ruin your life living it.  You only have 1 life and you never know when your hour is up.  He is doing you a favor by not wanting to get back with you and for your sake with his illness I am praying that he does not come back to you.  I know you love him, I love mine to but we cannot live our lives like that!!!!!

    Stay busy, as much as possible and your family is right, his family are all sick if they just continue to enable him but you did also sister.  I have done the same thing and it has to come to an end, it is like living with Dr Jekel and Mr Hyde!!!!!!!  Sometimes I think I am the crazy one, I'm sure you feel that way at times to.

    I am thinking of leaving and moving to Maui for a job offer I got.  But the house, our business everything is in MY name, of course.  He has lost everything he has ever had including the past 3 wives!!!!! And multiple business's.

     

    Lets keep in touch and stay strong you can do it and you DESERVE to be treated with love and respect.

     

    Blessings to you and your family

  • nurz
    Aug. 14, 2008

    Although I had bipolar symtoms prior to before getting married, 3 months afterwards was the real test!  I kept telling the doctors but no one listened for 12 years!  My Beloved had our fair share of ups and downs with me.  We kept our vows before God, For better, for worst, In sickness and health and so on.  Last year was a very turbulent...

    RHMLucky777

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    Although I had bipolar symtoms prior to before getting married, 3 months afterwards was the real test!  I kept telling the doctors but no one listened for 12 years!  My Beloved had our fair share of ups and downs with me.  We kept our vows before God, For better, for worst, In sickness and health and so on.  Last year was a very turbulent time with the ups and downs, Hypomania , Manic and depressive and so on.  My Beloved and I have a very open realtlionship, and he will tell me when I am off balance!  Sometimes I take it easy, sometimes I take it with an argument! He has stayed by me through thick and thin.

    For us, our vows and faith before God helped us. It has been over 25 years now!

    |I know when I am off sooner than the den ial befofre hand.  Mine has been hell,

    but my husband is my berometer! My health care team is my Beloved, my Doctor and me.  Keep up the faith, and remember the one with the Bipolar is worse off!

    Barbs

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Aug. 14, 2008

    I thought my ex was bi-polar.  However, after reading "Stalking the Soul" and "Evil Genes," and talking with my psychiatrist, I now believe my ex is a sociopath.  A person w/o a conscience, a person who feels no remorse and a person who has NO emotional attachment to anything.  Healing takes time.  It is hard to believe that you are not...

    RHMLucky777

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    I thought my ex was bi-polar.  However, after reading "Stalking the Soul" and "Evil Genes," and talking with my psychiatrist, I now believe my ex is a sociopath.  A person w/o a conscience, a person who feels no remorse and a person who has NO emotional attachment to anything.  Healing takes time.  It is hard to believe that you are not somehow at fault.  You are not.  Quit beating yourself up, feel the pain and in time, your life WILL get back on track.  But it takes a VERY long time.  Find a good doc who understands the illness.  It will provide you with some consolation.

     

    Peace

  • BlameMe
    Aug. 12, 2008

    I've experienced much of the same things you've experienced. Even with his side of the family turning on you - they make you feel like you're the one with the problem, when really, they're all sick sick sick. Do yourself a favor and move on. That's what I'm doing. You don't need this crap. Like you, I tried EVERYTHING to help my husband, but now it's time to...

    RHMLucky777

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    I've experienced much of the same things you've experienced. Even with his side of the family turning on you - they make you feel like you're the one with the problem, when really, they're all sick sick sick. Do yourself a favor and move on. That's what I'm doing. You don't need this crap. Like you, I tried EVERYTHING to help my husband, but now it's time to help yourself.

     

    You mentioned he did graduate school? He's a smart man, he'll figure it out eventually. You don't need to be in this situation any longer. For what? To be subjected to further verbal abuse and god-only-knows what else? Move on. If you stay, you're only enabling him and letting him get away with this behavior over and over again.

     

    Serve him with a divorce petition and restraining order. Take back your house and show him who's boss. Trust me, he'll clue in real quick and you'll see a very sudden and miraculous recovery. He'll get help real quick....afterall, all that time that he's been spending in bed he's been calculating what's cheaper...having an in-house slave that enables his awful behavior and lets him get away with it, or having to fork over 50% of his estate to his soon-to-be-ex-wife?

     

    I'm in no way trying to sound mean, but having been married to a bipolar person for 8 years now, I know all the patterns, behaviors, cycles, etc. and nothing can fool me anymore. They're not stupid people, but very ill, and they need to get help.  You've done all you can to help him and it's time that he help himself. Life is far too short to be living in misery and having to walk on eggshells for the sake of somebody else who is so self-centered, that can't show any kind of sensitivity to others in pain, who doesn't want to help himself. Trust me, he won't want to participate with having to fork out 50% of what the two of you have accumulated throughout the marriage - you will see a very speedy recovery. I hope I'm wrong.  Best of luck!

     

     

    • NewBride
      Aug. 12, 2008

      Hi BlameMe, well since April he was put on meds and moved 1/2 his stuff out - still blaming me.  I did everything I could and eventually filed for divorce in June.  He began coming back to the house unannounced and stole earrings from me even!  He would leave nasty notes for me with smiley faces - it was just sick.  I was instructed to change...

      RHMLucky777

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      Hi BlameMe, well since April he was put on meds and moved 1/2 his stuff out - still blaming me.  I did everything I could and eventually filed for divorce in June.  He began coming back to the house unannounced and stole earrings from me even!  He would leave nasty notes for me with smiley faces - it was just sick.  I was instructed to change the locks, and he still stalked the house.  He went back to work 3 weeks ago, bought a new car (with what money???) and is still blaming me.  I know he'll break again and soon.  This man used to love me so much and then all of a sudden he was an empty shell.  I'm slowly moving on, but dealing with the divorce now is hard.  Thanks for the words, as I do realize they are all ill and there's nothing I can do.  What hurts the most is that I stood by him for years with nothing in return, waiting for all his "studying" and "pressures" to be done with so he can focus on me and us - wow what a lie right?  And after all i put into this... to be blamed for his falling apart on top of what I've been through???  He takes no responsibility for his actions or words.  I can't fathom how he could put any of this on me.  He's the one who put me, us and our life down when he was depressed for months.  It's like he's been living in his own fantasy land and sees everything differently than what really happened...

       

      Well, I have to believe everything happens for a reason right?  We'll all get through this...

    • lindsey
      Aug. 12, 2008

      new bride-

      i feel like some of your words here are out of my own mouth!  my husband of ten months has never been diagnosed, and he has never yelled at me, stolen from me (well, he takes money out of our joint account from time to time but usually asks), but like you said, i feel like he's an empty shell of the man i married.  i feel so deeply for...

      RHMLucky777

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      new bride-

      i feel like some of your words here are out of my own mouth!  my husband of ten months has never been diagnosed, and he has never yelled at me, stolen from me (well, he takes money out of our joint account from time to time but usually asks), but like you said, i feel like he's an empty shell of the man i married.  i feel so deeply for your situation, my husband's family has been very stand-offish about me inquiriing about if he IS bipolar or not (his mom says she doesn't know) but he is in counseling at the moment.  i love this man enormously but like other readers here are saying to you, everyone tells me i deserve better.  my husband is 100% committed to his work, and as of lately has been putting himself before me.  i would just write him off as a selfish jerk were this not so entirely different from who he was when i married him TEN MONTHS AGO!!  so much change in my life in such a short time!!!  we were seeing a marriage counselor anyway when all of this came to light (he recently announced that he doesn't know if he wants to be married but says it's not me or anyone else, he just isn't sure), but he has the patience of a flea, he wants to go one time and have everything be perfect.  i just found out he lied to me about how much he spent on something for himself, and that's something i never thought he would do, but i guess i was wrong.  like you, i feel so hurt, though i know this has nothing to do with ME and i can't bear the dissappointment of knowing that the life i just started with this man may already be coming to a close.  i feel hopelessly lost and do not want to think about starting over.  but i also dont' want to spend the rest of my life waking up every day wondering if this will be the day my husband decides he wants to leave again...you know??  i'm sorry for what you are going through.  i'm sending you a hug through the internets, because i know i need one, too.

    • BlueSofaSurfer
      Aug. 14, 2008

      There is so much anger in the previous comments. Letting someone go, but remaining bitter is not moving on; it is just abandonment. Being married to someone with mental illness must be one of the most challenging things in the world. Try to keep in mind, though, that your husband didn't choose to be this way. The anger and resentment he expresses toward you...

      RHMLucky777

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      There is so much anger in the previous comments. Letting someone go, but remaining bitter is not moving on; it is just abandonment. Being married to someone with mental illness must be one of the most challenging things in the world. Try to keep in mind, though, that your husband didn't choose to be this way. The anger and resentment he expresses toward you is most likely simply a projection of the feelings he has towards himself. It is certainly unfair to you, but if you can understand that this is yet another symptom and not simply a character flaw, it might help you truly move on. Anger and bitterness is a sign of judgment and lack of understanding. Try not to judge your husband too harshly (if at all). The actions and inactions are most unfortunate, but I suspect they are not the true measure of the man you married.

       

      PS - Some of the literature from Al Anon might be helpful. It obviously isn't the same cause, but the victim's mentality, whatever the source, is truly destructive to your soul.

    • NewBride
      Aug. 14, 2008

      While I appreciate your comment and perspective, and while I too tell myself this from time to time, it's still unexcusable behavior toward someone you love.  Can you imagine (and maybe you can) promising to spend your life with someone and marrying them, being so happy, supporting them thru all of their studying and projects, one after another, and sitting...

      RHMLucky777

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      While I appreciate your comment and perspective, and while I too tell myself this from time to time, it's still unexcusable behavior toward someone you love.  Can you imagine (and maybe you can) promising to spend your life with someone and marrying them, being so happy, supporting them thru all of their studying and projects, one after another, and sitting on the sidelines waiting for this person to put their attention back towards you....  and then have them wake up one day, not only a completely different person but BLAMING you for everything that they are feeling?  Of course some of these people are going to be upset.  Maybe you are the one that should put yourself on the other side of the fence sometimes?  Because while he may have not wanted this, may have tried hiding it, he pushed me around, verbally abused me, didn't recognize anything I did, and then spit on me with his harsh words and blame.  This is not what I signed up for, and not what I deserve.  On top of that his family didn't even try to help - even though his mom has the illness and knew why he was acting this way.  It's disgusting and frankly I'm allowed to be upset.  It's also a PART of the healing process.  And do any of us caregivers ever really heal from something like this?  It's like a death of someone you used to know and love.  Yet it's worse, because that person is not only a nasty, mean, ugly man to you now, but he's alive out there somewhere, still in denial and still blaming me.  It's sad, I'm sure you can understand everyone's comments on here.

       

  • Anonymous
    anon
    May. 31, 2008

    I have read your story and can tell you it is not unlike mine ...you deserve someone who will treat you better and love you without the legal Licence to be an Ass.

    These people regardless of wether they are diagnosed or not ....medicated or not WILL ruin your life. I like you loved a man deeply ..who lived in denial of his Bi polar ..he would always say...

    RHMLucky777

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    I have read your story and can tell you it is not unlike mine ...you deserve someone who will treat you better and love you without the legal Licence to be an Ass.

    These people regardless of wether they are diagnosed or not ....medicated or not WILL ruin your life. I like you loved a man deeply ..who lived in denial of his Bi polar ..he would always say to me if you have to assume something is wrong it comes from the presumption that something is. They are clever manipulators and i can tell you it will never change ..they latch onto innocent people like you because they know they can get away with their behaviour. Do you think a naughty school child would get away with this type of behaviour?? Your husband knew he had bipolar when you married him ..but they know they can behave and then when the comfort zone sets in they act like spoilt brats..dont believe the lies and manipulation..get as far away from this person as possible ..your dogs will be more loyal than he is.. 

    • david
      Jun. 02, 2008

      I am in the same situation, however I have children.  My wife is so smart, this chess game is getting exhausting.  She planned on moving out, now she is staying in the house.  I have hired an attorney and am moving forward with permant separation and hope to be granted permanent residency.  The last several weeks have been terrible, she...

      RHMLucky777

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      I am in the same situation, however I have children.  My wife is so smart, this chess game is getting exhausting.  She planned on moving out, now she is staying in the house.  I have hired an attorney and am moving forward with permant separation and hope to be granted permanent residency.  The last several weeks have been terrible, she has become supper mom, cleaning a house that has been neglected for years, laughing with the kids, reconnecting with kids and friends after many years, and tormenting me.  This is a 360 degree turn around, because she is concerned about losing the children.  Each night she calls be horrible names, attacks me personally, digging through all my personal thinks and I have remained calm.  She is trying to provoke me, like she has in the past.  I think I enable this behavior, creating an environment that I eventually gave in.  Sometimes it escalates to suicide threats.  You are right about them latching on to good, carring people.  I have been manipulated and taken advantage off.  As we get closer to divorce the more difficult each day becomes. 

       

       

    • Anonymous
      Anonymous
      Sep. 14, 2008

      are you sure you don't have a diagnosis?

  • Anonymous
    Jacqq
    May. 16, 2008

    I am so sorry to hear this.  I was with someone who suffered from Bioplar and from my experience, they can be dangerous... I would just say this to you.  Do not and I mean do not feel guilty or feel that it is your fault.  It is his issue, tell him to get help and stay medicated... otherwise, you can expect more of the same and two ruined lives...

    RHMLucky777

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    I am so sorry to hear this.  I was with someone who suffered from Bioplar and from my experience, they can be dangerous... I would just say this to you.  Do not and I mean do not feel guilty or feel that it is your fault.  It is his issue, tell him to get help and stay medicated... otherwise, you can expect more of the same and two ruined lives do not make sense.  He has to be willing to pull his own cart.  You can not pull it for him if the harness is stuck to him.  He must see and help himself.  Meanwhile you are being dragged under the cart.  Love him from a distance.  Support him with cards or letter, but live your own life, because LIFE is SHORT and we don't get a lot of time or credit for 'do-overs"  You've given him many years already and unless he was strong on taking medication and finding solutions to improve and importantly "on-the-road-to-improvement with a medical plan in place, stop the maddness!  Love him from a distance and move on with your OWN life.  These are my opinions from my experience.  I pray for you and wish you the best of luck with your future choices! Laughing

  • Anonymous
    Jacqq
    May. 16, 2008

    I am so sorry to hear this.  I was with someone who suffered from Bioplar and from my experience, they can be dangerous... I would just say this to you.  Do not and I mean do not feel guilty or feel that it is your fault.  It is his issue, tell him to get help and stay medicated... otherwise, you can expect more of the same and two ruined lives...

    RHMLucky777

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    I am so sorry to hear this.  I was with someone who suffered from Bioplar and from my experience, they can be dangerous... I would just say this to you.  Do not and I mean do not feel guilty or feel that it is your fault.  It is his issue, tell him to get help and stay medicated... otherwise, you can expect more of the same and two ruined lives do not make sense.  He has to be willing to pull his own cart.  You can not pull it for him if the harness is stuck to him.  He must see and help himself.  Meanwhile you are being dragged under the cart.  Love him from a distance.  Support him with cards or letter, but live your own life, because LIFE is SHORT and we don't get a lot of time or credit for 'do-overs"  You've given him many years already and unless he was strong on taking medication and finding solutions to improve and importantly "on-the-road-to-improvement with a medical plan in place, stop the maddness!  Love him from a distance and move on with your OWN life.  These are my opinions from my experience.  I pray for you and wish you the best of luck with your future choices! Laughing

    • Anonymous
      Flora
      Sep. 06, 2013
      That's selfish and too materlistic thoughts , this thoughts not even make happy either u biopolar or not , any way taking medication healthy diet may work well and faith in god , so important , and teaching about good moral values Allah will let anyone life either u have HIV , so , be an nice human charity prayer social gathering make life soooooooooooooooooooooo...
      RHMLucky777
      Read More
      That's selfish and too materlistic thoughts , this thoughts not even make happy either u biopolar or not , any way taking medication healthy diet may work well and faith in god , so important , and teaching about good moral values Allah will let anyone life either u have HIV , so , be an nice human charity prayer social gathering make life soooooooooooooooooooooo beautiful . Nd. Optimism , me with biopolar disorder Allah let me stay without medication. 5 wonderful yrs having 1 kid , for my family support who telling me to keep in faith in god and excercise , and social work , and our bible our holy Quran , all praises to Allah , that he keep me stable when healthy human beings breaks relation every miniatues , relation we have to nurture contain the way we carry baby in our womb , I think u forget the promises of wedding , nothing Is impossible in the court of allahsubhanata
    • Anonymous
      Flora
      Sep. 06, 2013
      That's selfish and too materlistic thoughts , this thoughts not even make happy either u biopolar or not , any way taking medication healthy diet may work well and faith in god , so important , and teaching about good moral values Allah will let anyone life either u have HIV , so , be an nice human charity prayer social gathering make life soooooooooooooooooooooo...
      RHMLucky777
      Read More
      That's selfish and too materlistic thoughts , this thoughts not even make happy either u biopolar or not , any way taking medication healthy diet may work well and faith in god , so important , and teaching about good moral values Allah will let anyone life either u have HIV , so , be an nice human charity prayer social gathering make life soooooooooooooooooooooo beautiful . Nd. Optimism , me with biopolar disorder Allah let me stay without medication. 5 wonderful yrs having 1 kid , for my family support who telling me to keep in faith in god and excercise , and social work , and our bible our holy Quran , all praises to Allah , that he keep me stable when healthy human beings breaks relation every miniatues , relation we have to nurture contain the way we carry baby in our womb , I think u forget the promises of wedding , nothing Is impossible in the court of allahsubhanata
  • Hopeful mom
    May. 14, 2008

    He is sick.  He's in denial.  Until he comes to terms with this, you're only going to be a reminder of what is wrong with him.  Do for you now.  Let his family take care of him.  Perhaps, he will come to his senses.  Maybe he won't.  You need to stop taking this responsibility on yourself though.  He's a big boy and only...

    RHMLucky777

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    He is sick.  He's in denial.  Until he comes to terms with this, you're only going to be a reminder of what is wrong with him.  Do for you now.  Let his family take care of him.  Perhaps, he will come to his senses.  Maybe he won't.  You need to stop taking this responsibility on yourself though.  He's a big boy and only he can choose to seek treatment or not.  You didn't cause it and you can't fix it.

    My prayers are with you.

    • NewBride
      May. 14, 2008

      Thank you, hearing these things helps, especially from my family and loved ones.  It's so hard.  I love him so much and never saw my life like this... it's just when he writes me nasty emails or nasty notes it so hard to not cry.  i feel like i was promised the world and he took everything away from me instead... he keeps playing mind games with...

      RHMLucky777

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      Thank you, hearing these things helps, especially from my family and loved ones.  It's so hard.  I love him so much and never saw my life like this... it's just when he writes me nasty emails or nasty notes it so hard to not cry.  i feel like i was promised the world and he took everything away from me instead... he keeps playing mind games with me.  And when i did see him recently he ignored me and there was NOTHING behind his eyes - he was like a zombie.  i feel as though I have no choice anymore but divorce.......