My husband and i met in college - we were totally in love. We finally got engaged after 4 1/2 yrs of dating, and married 2 yrs after that. We've been together for 8 1/2 years now and he was recently diagnosed. Looking back I can see the signs now. He comes from a broken fam...
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Hopeful mom
Wednesday, May 14, 2008 at 05:51 PMre: Untitled Comment
NewBride
Wednesday, May 14, 2008 at 08:56 PMThank you, hearing these things helps, especially from my family and loved ones. It's so hard. I love him so much and never saw my life like this... it's just when he writes me nasty emails or nasty notes it so hard to not cry. i feel like i was promised the world and he took everything away from me instead... he keeps playing mind games with me. And when i did see him recently he ignored me and there was NOTHING behind his eyes - he was like a zombie. i feel as though I have no choice anymore but divorce.......
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Jacqq
Friday, May 16, 2008 at 10:57 AMI am so sorry to hear this. I was with someone who suffered from Bioplar and from my experience, they can be dangerous... I would just say this to you. Do not and I mean do not feel guilty or feel that it is your fault. It is his issue, tell him to get help and stay medicated... otherwise, you can expect more of the same and two ruined lives do not make sense. He has to be willing to pull his own cart. You can not pull it for him if the harness is stuck to him. He must see and help himself. Meanwhile you are being dragged under the cart. Love him from a distance. Support him with cards or letter, but live your own life, because LIFE is SHORT and we don't get a lot of time or credit for 'do-overs" You've given him many years already and unless he was strong on taking medication and finding solutions to improve and importantly "on-the-road-to-improvement with a medical plan in place, stop the maddness! Love him from a distance and move on with your OWN life. These are my opinions from my experience. I pray for you and wish you the best of luck with your future choices!
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Jacqq
Friday, May 16, 2008 at 10:58 AMI am so sorry to hear this. I was with someone who suffered from Bioplar and from my experience, they can be dangerous... I would just say this to you. Do not and I mean do not feel guilty or feel that it is your fault. It is his issue, tell him to get help and stay medicated... otherwise, you can expect more of the same and two ruined lives do not make sense. He has to be willing to pull his own cart. You can not pull it for him if the harness is stuck to him. He must see and help himself. Meanwhile you are being dragged under the cart. Love him from a distance. Support him with cards or letter, but live your own life, because LIFE is SHORT and we don't get a lot of time or credit for 'do-overs" You've given him many years already and unless he was strong on taking medication and finding solutions to improve and importantly "on-the-road-to-improvement with a medical plan in place, stop the maddness! Love him from a distance and move on with your OWN life. These are my opinions from my experience. I pray for you and wish you the best of luck with your future choices!
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Give it a name and its all Ok
anon
Saturday, May 31, 2008 at 09:10 PMI have read your story and can tell you it is not unlike mine ...you deserve someone who will treat you better and love you without the legal Licence to be an Ass.
These people regardless of wether they are diagnosed or not ....medicated or not WILL ruin your life. I like you loved a man deeply ..who lived in denial of his Bi polar ..he would always say to me if you have to assume something is wrong it comes from the presumption that something is. They are clever manipulators and i can tell you it will never change ..they latch onto innocent people like you because they know they can get away with their behaviour. Do you think a naughty school child would get away with this type of behaviour?? Your husband knew he had bipolar when you married him ..but they know they can behave and then when the comfort zone sets in they act like spoilt brats..dont believe the lies and manipulation..get as far away from this person as possible ..your dogs will be more loyal than he is..
replyre: Give it a name and its all Ok
david
Monday, June 02, 2008 at 03:38 PMI am in the same situation, however I have children. My wife is so smart, this chess game is getting exhausting. She planned on moving out, now she is staying in the house. I have hired an attorney and am moving forward with permant separation and hope to be granted permanent residency. The last several weeks have been terrible, she has become supper mom, cleaning a house that has been neglected for years, laughing with the kids, reconnecting with kids and friends after many years, and tormenting me. This is a 360 degree turn around, because she is concerned about losing the children. Each night she calls be horrible names, attacks me personally, digging through all my personal thinks and I have remained calm. She is trying to provoke me, like she has in the past. I think I enable this behavior, creating an environment that I eventually gave in. Sometimes it escalates to suicide threats. You are right about them latching on to good, carring people. I have been manipulated and taken advantage off. As we get closer to divorce the more difficult each day becomes.
replyre: re: Give it a name and its all Ok
Anonymous
Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 10:28 AM -
Same here
BlameMe
Tuesday, August 12, 2008 at 05:14 AMI've experienced much of the same things you've experienced. Even with his side of the family turning on you - they make you feel like you're the one with the problem, when really, they're all sick sick sick. Do yourself a favor and move on. That's what I'm doing. You don't need this crap. Like you, I tried EVERYTHING to help my husband, but now it's time to help yourself.
You mentioned he did graduate school? He's a smart man, he'll figure it out eventually. You don't need to be in this situation any longer. For what? To be subjected to further verbal abuse and god-only-knows what else? Move on. If you stay, you're only enabling him and letting him get away with this behavior over and over again.
Serve him with a divorce petition and restraining order. Take back your house and show him who's boss. Trust me, he'll clue in real quick and you'll see a very sudden and miraculous recovery. He'll get help real quick....afterall, all that time that he's been spending in bed he's been calculating what's cheaper...having an in-house slave that enables his awful behavior and lets him get away with it, or having to fork over 50% of his estate to his soon-to-be-ex-wife?
I'm in no way trying to sound mean, but having been married to a bipolar person for 8 years now, I know all the patterns, behaviors, cycles, etc. and nothing can fool me anymore. They're not stupid people, but very ill, and they need to get help. You've done all you can to help him and it's time that he help himself. Life is far too short to be living in misery and having to walk on eggshells for the sake of somebody else who is so self-centered, that can't show any kind of sensitivity to others in pain, who doesn't want to help himself. Trust me, he won't want to participate with having to fork out 50% of what the two of you have accumulated throughout the marriage - you will see a very speedy recovery. I hope I'm wrong. Best of luck!
replyre: Same here
NewBride
Tuesday, August 12, 2008 at 12:41 PMHi BlameMe, well since April he was put on meds and moved 1/2 his stuff out - still blaming me. I did everything I could and eventually filed for divorce in June. He began coming back to the house unannounced and stole earrings from me even! He would leave nasty notes for me with smiley faces - it was just sick. I was instructed to change the locks, and he still stalked the house. He went back to work 3 weeks ago, bought a new car (with what money???) and is still blaming me. I know he'll break again and soon. This man used to love me so much and then all of a sudden he was an empty shell. I'm slowly moving on, but dealing with the divorce now is hard. Thanks for the words, as I do realize they are all ill and there's nothing I can do. What hurts the most is that I stood by him for years with nothing in return, waiting for all his "studying" and "pressures" to be done with so he can focus on me and us - wow what a lie right? And after all i put into this... to be blamed for his falling apart on top of what I've been through??? He takes no responsibility for his actions or words. I can't fathom how he could put any of this on me. He's the one who put me, us and our life down when he was depressed for months. It's like he's been living in his own fantasy land and sees everything differently than what really happened...
Well, I have to believe everything happens for a reason right? We'll all get through this...
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lindsey
Tuesday, August 12, 2008 at 04:56 PMnew bride-
i feel like some of your words here are out of my own mouth! my husband of ten months has never been diagnosed, and he has never yelled at me, stolen from me (well, he takes money out of our joint account from time to time but usually asks), but like you said, i feel like he's an empty shell of the man i married. i feel so deeply for your situation, my husband's family has been very stand-offish about me inquiriing about if he IS bipolar or not (his mom says she doesn't know) but he is in counseling at the moment. i love this man enormously but like other readers here are saying to you, everyone tells me i deserve better. my husband is 100% committed to his work, and as of lately has been putting himself before me. i would just write him off as a selfish jerk were this not so entirely different from who he was when i married him TEN MONTHS AGO!! so much change in my life in such a short time!!! we were seeing a marriage counselor anyway when all of this came to light (he recently announced that he doesn't know if he wants to be married but says it's not me or anyone else, he just isn't sure), but he has the patience of a flea, he wants to go one time and have everything be perfect. i just found out he lied to me about how much he spent on something for himself, and that's something i never thought he would do, but i guess i was wrong. like you, i feel so hurt, though i know this has nothing to do with ME and i can't bear the dissappointment of knowing that the life i just started with this man may already be coming to a close. i feel hopelessly lost and do not want to think about starting over. but i also dont' want to spend the rest of my life waking up every day wondering if this will be the day my husband decides he wants to leave again...you know?? i'm sorry for what you are going through. i'm sending you a hug through the internets, because i know i need one, too.
replyre: re: Same here
BlueSofaSurfer
Thursday, August 14, 2008 at 05:20 PMThere is so much anger in the previous comments. Letting someone go, but remaining bitter is not moving on; it is just abandonment. Being married to someone with mental illness must be one of the most challenging things in the world. Try to keep in mind, though, that your husband didn't choose to be this way. The anger and resentment he expresses toward you is most likely simply a projection of the feelings he has towards himself. It is certainly unfair to you, but if you can understand that this is yet another symptom and not simply a character flaw, it might help you truly move on. Anger and bitterness is a sign of judgment and lack of understanding. Try not to judge your husband too harshly (if at all). The actions and inactions are most unfortunate, but I suspect they are not the true measure of the man you married.
PS - Some of the literature from Al Anon might be helpful. It obviously isn't the same cause, but the victim's mentality, whatever the source, is truly destructive to your soul.
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NewBride
Thursday, August 14, 2008 at 06:41 PMWhile I appreciate your comment and perspective, and while I too tell myself this from time to time, it's still unexcusable behavior toward someone you love. Can you imagine (and maybe you can) promising to spend your life with someone and marrying them, being so happy, supporting them thru all of their studying and projects, one after another, and sitting on the sidelines waiting for this person to put their attention back towards you.... and then have them wake up one day, not only a completely different person but BLAMING you for everything that they are feeling? Of course some of these people are going to be upset. Maybe you are the one that should put yourself on the other side of the fence sometimes? Because while he may have not wanted this, may have tried hiding it, he pushed me around, verbally abused me, didn't recognize anything I did, and then spit on me with his harsh words and blame. This is not what I signed up for, and not what I deserve. On top of that his family didn't even try to help - even though his mom has the illness and knew why he was acting this way. It's disgusting and frankly I'm allowed to be upset. It's also a PART of the healing process. And do any of us caregivers ever really heal from something like this? It's like a death of someone you used to know and love. Yet it's worse, because that person is not only a nasty, mean, ugly man to you now, but he's alive out there somewhere, still in denial and still blaming me. It's sad, I'm sure you can understand everyone's comments on here.
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Sociopaths
Anonymous
Thursday, August 14, 2008 at 09:02 PMI thought my ex was bi-polar. However, after reading "Stalking the Soul" and "Evil Genes," and talking with my psychiatrist, I now believe my ex is a sociopath. A person w/o a conscience, a person who feels no remorse and a person who has NO emotional attachment to anything. Healing takes time. It is hard to believe that you are not somehow at fault. You are not. Quit beating yourself up, feel the pain and in time, your life WILL get back on track. But it takes a VERY long time. Find a good doc who understands the illness. It will provide you with some consolation.
Peace
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Respond to...
nurz
Thursday, August 14, 2008 at 09:43 PMAlthough I had bipolar symtoms prior to before getting married, 3 months afterwards was the real test! I kept telling the doctors but no one listened for 12 years! My Beloved had our fair share of ups and downs with me. We kept our vows before God, For better, for worst, In sickness and health and so on. Last year was a very turbulent time with the ups and downs, Hypomania , Manic and depressive and so on. My Beloved and I have a very open realtlionship, and he will tell me when I am off balance! Sometimes I take it easy, sometimes I take it with an argument! He has stayed by me through thick and thin.
For us, our vows and faith before God helped us. It has been over 25 years now!
|I know when I am off sooner than the den ial befofre hand. Mine has been hell,
but my husband is my berometer! My health care team is my Beloved, my Doctor and me. Keep up the faith, and remember the one with the Bipolar is worse off!
Barbs
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pxm3965
Thursday, August 28, 2008 at 08:47 PMOh I feel so sorry for you but yet happy at the same time for your new life. I am living in the same type of situation basically and it is nothing but a rollarcoaster ride everyday. I never know who is going to answer the phone, the good guy or the bad guy. However mine will not even go to the dr let alone take meds. He has done everything for everyone and know one has done anything for him, that is how he thinks. It is a terrible way to live sister and don't ruin your life living it. You only have 1 life and you never know when your hour is up. He is doing you a favor by not wanting to get back with you and for your sake with his illness I am praying that he does not come back to you. I know you love him, I love mine to but we cannot live our lives like that!!!!!
Stay busy, as much as possible and your family is right, his family are all sick if they just continue to enable him but you did also sister. I have done the same thing and it has to come to an end, it is like living with Dr Jekel and Mr Hyde!!!!!!! Sometimes I think I am the crazy one, I'm sure you feel that way at times to.
I am thinking of leaving and moving to Maui for a job offer I got. But the house, our business everything is in MY name, of course. He has lost everything he has ever had including the past 3 wives!!!!! And multiple business's.
Lets keep in touch and stay strong you can do it and you DESERVE to be treated with love and respect.
Blessings to you and your family
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He is sick. He's in denial. Until he comes to terms with this, you're only going to be a reminder of what is wrong with him. Do for you now. Let his family take care of him. Perhaps, he will come to his senses. Maybe he won't. You need to stop taking this responsibility on yourself though. He's a big boy and only he can choose to seek treatment or not. You didn't cause it and you can't fix it.
My prayers are with you.
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