Monday, December 10, 2007
this weekend was pretty good, aside from the fact i had to work today. i had company in town, staying a few blocks away. it was nice.....
what bothers me today is that i had a dicussion earlier this evening with my husband regarding my 'lack' of emotional and verbal availability. he's going through a tough time right now and he's kinda lonely, not having any family or real buddies to rely on. so i carry the weight. i'm okay with it-he's my husband-but it never seems to be enough for him. i start to feel inadequate after awhile. the 'talks' are becoming more frequent, especially since he's going through such a rough time.
my hubby and i are two totally different people with alot of baggage and different likes, opinions, tastes, and ideals. we've been together 10 years, but seems that we're growing apart. we do love eachother, though.
he's fighting an opiate addiction that blossomed under the stress me and my illness have caused, amongst the aforementioned issues and probably others, but i mostly get the blame when we fight. it's not like i don't throw my own poison-tipped arrows when things get outta control, or, even worse, throw nothing at all.
my yearning for intellectual stimulation has me feeling pretty isolated myself. a depression seems to lurk in the shadows; waiting for a vulnerability in my armor to slither in and consume me as cigarette smoke would permeate a small room. meds are helping, for i fear that without my abilify, i'd be far worse off than i am right now.
i had a dream last night that i was in some remote place, creating art as i know how, and spent a passionate weekend with a native. i never dreamt of any physical passion, which is rare for me, but yet of a more spiritual passion, a connection, that you feel when you feel like someone get you and loves you for who you are, free of all expectations and judgements. he was the kind of man who looked wise, smiled genuinely, and enjoyed my company. we talked lots and just felt comfortable around eachother.....something that's stating to feel foreign to me......
what bothers me today is that i had a dicussion earlier this evening with my husband regarding my 'lack' of emotional and verbal availability. he's going through a tough time right now and he's kinda lonely, not having any family or real buddies to rely on. so i carry the weight. i'm okay with it-he's my husband-but it never seems to be enough for him. i start to feel inadequate after awhile. the 'talks' are becoming more frequent, especially since he's going through such a rough time.
my hubby and i are two totally different people with alot of baggage and different likes, opinions, tastes, and ideals. we've been together 10 years, but seems that we're growing apart. we do love eachother, though.
he's fighting an opiate addiction that blossomed under the stress me and my illness have caused, amongst the aforementioned issues and probably others, but i mostly get the blame when we fight. it's not like i don't throw my own poison-tipped arrows when things get outta control, or, even worse, throw nothing at all.
my yearning for intellectual stimulation has me feeling pretty isolated myself. a depression seems to lurk in the shadows; waiting for a vulnerability in my armor to slither in and consume me as cigarette smoke would permeate a small room. meds are helping, for i fear that without my abilify, i'd be far worse off than i am right now.
i had a dream last night that i was in some remote place, creating art as i know how, and spent a passionate weekend with a native. i never dreamt of any physical passion, which is rare for me, but yet of a more spiritual passion, a connection, that you feel when you feel like someone get you and loves you for who you are, free of all expectations and judgements. he was the kind of man who looked wise, smiled genuinely, and enjoyed my company. we talked lots and just felt comfortable around eachother.....something that's stating to feel foreign to me......
Your hubby needs friends. You can't possibly be everything to him. I also kind of hate the fact that he developed an addiction and for some reason you're getting the blame for it.
It's not like you can help it and you are getting treatment. If you're doing everything you can, what more can you do?
As much as I hate to say this to you, he's talking like someone who's either thinking about having an affair or who has already had one. My brother-in-law had affairs on my sister while our mom was dying because she was "emotionally unavailable". That was his reasoning anyway. I think it was just an excuse for him to justify his bad behavior.