Sometimes ya just have to wonder how much stress you can take without becoming delusional or buying out Bergdorfs or thinking how tricky could it be to get around that new suicide barrior on the Golden Gate.  I'm moving to a new more private, larger place.  Sounds terrific.  But my current situaion is driving me so nutty that I almost blew up at the roomie and told her I would come back for my stuff May 15 (moving day)  She treats her 17 year old son as if both of them were on an elementary school playground, and both about 5 years old.  She screamed at him for 2.5 hours yesterday over the use of her auto.  Yet knowing that his license is suspended she handed him the keys.  Let's her dogs run the entire household barking at leaves that fall from trees, barking inside and fighting with one another.  It's just impossible to find any peace.  So of course my 24 year old alternatively funcioning son decides he cannot work one more minute at the deli he has worked for 2 years and quits without another job.  Which prompts me to believe I have to pay his rent when I cannot.  I beging to see patterns of behavior from my parents my brothers myself the just sort of set all this up and I feel that there is no escape.  I want to run away from everyone.  My daughter who wants me to love her more than her brother because she is making more money that he or I.  I sometimes wish that she would choose not to love me and just leave me alone. "Mom, I've had it with your bi-polar talk and behavior, I find you absolutely useless when you  love my brother just as much as me.  What good are you if you can not love me more."  I just wish that she would say that so that I would have an excuse to run away. She does'nt say that she just wants me to pay as much attention to her as I feel I must with him.  I feel I have to prop him up, pay his bills.  And ya know, I bet I don't. I bet that if he does't get money from me he will make different choices that actually benefit him. I just despise worrying about him. I never have to worry about her.  Never.  She knows exactly what she wants and goes after it and gets it.  I wish I were her.  At least I wish I were like that.  

My parents couldn't understand me and wished I were more like my brother.  My brother does'nt understand me and wishes I were more like him.  All of them tease me and belittle me.  I don't want that for my son.  And so I make certain that at least I am able to be there for him and understand him. I told my daughter this at dinner the other night (which she paid for because I was broke). 

 And I finally broke down and told her that I do love her and that I am proud of her and that I know that I was not a great mom and that I don't get why she loves me because I should have stayed on medication and taken the side effects like a good little patient and not brought about such insatabilty in our family.  And she seemed to appreciate all that I am trying to do with both of them.