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10/24/10 9:18pm

Idk- I just have never had anyone to talk to... and need advice. I want to just end it all yet I have it all. It is just crazy and don't make any sense. I try to help out best I can but yet get no answers. Maybe there is just not enough people on here? Idk....

Thanks so much for replying to me... I really do appreciate you taking the time to read my post

Chris

10/24/10 8:34pm

I haven't been active on this site for months. I'll see if I can find your prior questions. This is a pretty cool bipolar environment - people wise.

Chris

10/24/10 9:19pm

Thanks Chris.... I really do appreciate that.

Tabby

10/25/10 12:43pm

Sug.. what replies are you seeking?

The posting you put out was you've been off meds, feel like you are going crazy, moods changing on a dime, not remembering spans of time, and you have no idea what is wrong with you?

It's Bipolar and you need to see a pdoc asap and perhaps... get on meds because you are not managing it on your own... not even remotely well.

So, I've read and I've noticed no one replied and no, I haven't replied because sometimes... there really isn't anything to reply with except the obvious. Even I do not enjoy the obvious but sometimes, I have to have someone point it out to me because through this illness... I can't see it.

So, now you are threatening to either end it all while you say you have it all OR you are threatening to stop posting - don't know which but, you are seeking advisement through a website...

this is where you may need to step away from the computer and go see a "real flesh and blood" MD.

10/25/10 3:55pm

Tabby

I appreciate your reply. I guess I need to clarify a few things... First of all, I definately "KNOW" what is wrong with me, I have known that for a couple of years now. I am bipolar and I do realize I need help and meds, but if you knew my past experiences with "help" you would understand why I am terrified to seek it out. I now suffer from PTSD as a result of some horribly inhuman doings to me in my journey of attempting to be helped. Plus not to mention, I recently moved away from my hometown for the first time in my life and I know no one at all, so that makes the Dr. search even that much more terrifing. I have been in a mixed state for the past week, which is probably the biggest reason for my post, I am done. What I meant by that was, I was going to stop posting because every post/question I had asked went unanswered and it was starting to shove me into an even greater mound of depression. My main question to others that I really hoped might get some feedback was the one I asked about memory loss. I really want to know if others experience episodes where they are manic or in the mixed state and cannot remember their actions/words. I am not looking for any means of advisement from this website, as I am aware of how crazy that would be, I am merely looking to talk to others like me and find out if the same things happen to them or not. I have no one to talk to, and I know no one that suffers from bipolar like me so I feel so isolated and very much alone. Ofcourse, being in the mixed state has only hightened my desire for committing suicide, and I nearly did just that last night. I hate the mixed state, it is the worst.

And yes, I do need to go see a real flesh and blood dr, but that is so much simplier said that done for me. I have been trying to figure out since I moved just how to put one foot in front of the other and attempt this goal, but the pure fear and horrible memories of the last time are keeping my feet grounded. My feet feel as if they are cemented to the floor and I cannot move. That doesn't mean that my insides aren't longing for real and true help, infact they are screaming for it daily, so I just keep hoping that tomorrow will bring me the unfound strength that I so strongly desire to move that one step forward. Thats all I can hope for and if I can wake up the next morning knowing I made it through another night without killing myself, then that in itself is a huge accomplishment for me right now in this horrible mixed state that I currently reside.

I hope that helps clear up any confusion. Thanks again.

Tabby

10/25/10 4:59pm

sug... I have had hours I do not remember... I have some days I have no recall of... I even have a month, an entire month, I only remember 1 event within and this was not on meds btw... this was pure Bipolar

so, i get the phases of just stepping but not knowing later where you stepped

i also know what it is to consider the fact that if I wake up the next morning and I'm still breathing.. I've done a most huge thing

no one really knows what it's like to literally fight with yourself to keep yourself breathing and stepping when everything within your mind is screaming at you to do something else... no one has a clue unless they've fought themselves as many of us do... so many folks consider us weaklings.... sug, we are not weak by no means

i also know what it's like to not want to go IP for i've had bad memories and I'm not one to seek MDs out everytime the dime drops but sug... you need to speak to someone... even if it is just a therapist because the fear is there that something will happen... you'll not know what is going on... and someone other than yourself (children, spouse, etc..) may end up hurt or worse.... or that someone may even be yourself

10/25/10 8:28pm

I know.... I completely agree with you. I just have to keep hoping that with each day, I will find the willpower and the desire to put one foot out there and attempt to find some sort of help. Its just so hard, its overwhelming, and the feeling of not knowing where to even start. I hope that day comes soon though.

11/26/10 2:43pm

Hey Stephanie, I just wanted to share a few other facts with you that I have learned along my journey with BP1 and PTSD amongst terrible encounters with Psychiatrists who are overwhelmed due to a shortage in the US of Psychiatrists. They are unable to see us as individuals and that we as individuals are unique in our own ways. Here are some blessings i have managed to tap out of this mental illness... http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2006/09/27/top-ten-terrific-things-about-bipolar-disorder/ Thats the top 10 :) I'm sure u can relate to atleast one of these!~ http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/health-matters/201007/are-there-benefits-having-bipolar-disorder~ girl lets not let this mental illness that they say we are born with, wreck us! Lets tap into the good stuff and rise above it all! I am learning for myself that the recomended doses for BP1,(which is great for the Big Drug Companies) is not true for me and lower doses can be just as effective, which brings less side effects. Remember... what lies ahead of you adnd what lie behind you is nothing compared to what lies within you~ Mohandas Gandhi P.S. For me drugs and alcohol defeat me and managing my illness. Although I have found marijuanna (herbal as a PRN) works better than some of the meds I have taken. Hang in there!

11/26/10 2:58pm

Lol, marjiana (sp?) huh? I have never tried that. Give me more insight on that. Especially if it has less calories and alcohol does lol. :) And, you are right, I am tired of it beating me down everyday. I am a fighter and I want to win. :) Lets do battle! :)

Stephanie

11/26/10 5:37pm

If ur concerned about calories, marijuanna may not be the answer for u due to it can increase ur appetite. It is illegal and can be spendy, but I believe less is more when I smoke it or use it as a tea. I believe it to be a privelage and use it only as a PRN (as needed), I utilize it when i'm down, and dare not to use it when I'm in a "good manic" phase; cuz it can increase mania and it makes me annoying to others, agitated/angry manic it helps to take the edge off and lightens things up for me & others in my presence. Do u have an herbolgist/herbalist in ur community? That is someone who sells herbal remedies in bulk or by the ounce. And u have to be careful if u are on medications, always consult with ur shrink if taking meds. Never under estimate the power of herbs! There are all kinds! Traditional Drs' are not too high on the idea of herbal medicines. There are natural salts for mania and herbs for depression. Therapy is #1 priority for me. One time a week for right now. Mary Allen Copeland is an author who has Bipolar and she has written a workbook for Bipolar. It's called W.R.A.P. Plus; Wellness Recovery & Action Plan; awesome resource! My therapist and I are working on it together in our sessions. Do you believe in a Higher Power? Another great release & tool! Yup on the let's fight the good fight! Hang in there sister! Do u have FB? i just don't know how to give u mine without posting it for the whole world too see :) By the way, my name is Gabie and I'm shouting out to u from Vermont

11/26/10 6:10pm

Well, I am new to my area so I don't know a soul much less an herbalist. I did have fb but deleted about a week ago when I was in a manic rage, lol. I don't miss it though. I like my website better because the people I talk to/meet on there are all non-biased people I don't know. I don't really like people I went to school with knowing my every issue lol. You can send me a private email on this site though if you wanna give me your fb to look at. Just mouse over my name and it should say send message. That is a private message. I am in Tennessee btw. I have never been to Vermont. Do you like it?

11/26/10 6:34pm

Hey we can keep this page rolling! No one was really using it anyway :) Maybe someone will stumble across it and be interested themselves like we were?

looh

11/27/10 1:16am

i just want to share my experience with you. sometimes it helps to know what others are going through. I am 51 and a physician . i have a wife and 3 kids. i was having mood swings for a few years before i realised that i had bipolar. but for me there was a big triggering incident which really tipped me over and i sought medical help. i do not get memory losses. my trigger is related to a specific person and any bad interaction with that person triggers a hypomanic episode .

do you have any triggers that makes your mood worse? i am trying to avoid that person so that i can avoid the triggers.

i also like to talk with a good friend how i feel and get it out. taht helps too. sometimes i get into a cycle and the thoughts just keep bugging me thats when its the hardest.

take care.

looh

11/27/10 1:42am

really concerned about the suicide thing you wrote. i have just joined . i was diagnosed couple of years back. just hang in there and talk to someone and see a physician asap.

do you have any triggers i.e anything that really makes you depressed or manic. i have a trigger related to a specific person and interaction with that person is the main trigger. i am trying to avoid that person.

11/27/10 10:17am

Okay.... sounds good to me. :)

11/27/10 10:21am

Hello

Thanks for sharing. I am still working on learning my triggers, but I definitely have discovered that I do have a trigger with certain people that are no longer in my life, but if they are brought up in some way or try to contact me, it does seem to send me into an anger/rage manic. I am still currently in a "mixed state" episode and its awful. I have been blogging my daily experiences with this and its a huge roller coaster of a ride, but I also feel that the only true way that any normal person is going to actually come to understand a bipolar person is to get a glimpse of the world thru a bipolar persons eyes, so I decided to start blogging. I really appreciate you sharing your story. I would love to hear more about it. :)

Stephanie

11/27/10 10:25am

Hi again,

Thanks for the post. I am currently not suicidal, but sadly as most bipolar people know, that can change at any given moment. I feel hopeful though right now, more so than I have in months because I found a great psychologist this past Tuesday. So, I think between that and meeting other people like me to talk to, has kinda pullled me out of the suicidial stage for now. Before this site and creating my own... I had absolutely NO ONE to talk to at all about this disease. I felt COMPLETELY alone. Its nice to have others to talk to. I believe it is somewhat theraputic.

Stephanie

11/27/10 12:24pm

Hi, I have found this site to be helpful and kind of interesting... mcmanweb.com. I found it on this site actually and there are others I'm sure.

11/27/10 12:51pm

Yea, he posts on here. He is an expert on this site, not sure what that means exactly, but it just says expert. I have that webpage bookmarked as a favorite on my computer. :)

Rosi

11/28/10 2:38am

Hey,

I was actually going through your post. Nosy me! I'm currently on a drug called Topamax that is used to control my bipolar disorder. I'm not promoting drugs, so don't think anything bad of this. However, aside from having bipolar disorder I have PCOS and Adult Onset Still's Disease (AOSD). So, my weight really needs to be monitored because of the PCOS and AOSD, more or so, because of the AOSD because it causes severe joint pains. There are studies that show that Topamax decreases your appetite. My psychiatrist and rheumatologist recommended this medication, because most mood stabilizers are shown to increase your weight. I am by no means a doctor, so I highly recommend seeing a practicing physician and psychiatrist.

The road has been very difficult for me as it has been for you. I can assume that you have been hospitalized many times, as have I. Being in closed confined spaces takes a lot out of people. I have the support of my family; however, dysfunctional or chaotic they are; they have been with me every step of the way. If you have friends, boyfriend and/or girlfriend, family members, or anyone that you can lean on, go to them. Seek help. Know when it's time to say, I need help, and I will get help.

I will say this to you; however, do not give up. Pick yourself up and seek the help you need. Do not let this disorder overcome you. You have overcome cancer, and now this is just another obstacle that needs to be overcome. I wish you the best in your journey.

Rocio

11/28/10 6:27am

Thanks for the nice comment :) I have taken Topamax before too. The first time I took it was for migraines, but back when I was on all the meds I once was on for my BP, that was one of the ones they gave me as well to try to avoid the extra weight gain although I still gained the weight. :( Yes, I have been hospitalized 3 times, and one of them was such a horrible experience it caused PTSD. You are correct to say I have to overcome this too. I know I do, and I am working on it. We just moved to a place I know no one, no family, no friends, etc. so its been a struggle to even know where to look for good help here. And if you have been through what I have with "bad help", you understand the fear of just picking anyone out of a lineup to trust for help. I did find a really good psychologist last week here finally and I have been on the waiting list to get into Timberline Knolls now for 2 weeks. So, its kinda of a waiting game, but I been blogging about my experiences daily with this horrible disease in hopes that others, normal people, can see what a bipolar person goes through, how our minds race like crazy, our ups and downs, and how we view the world around us. Thanks again for the post! :)