I Remember when I was normal. Ha, who am I kidding? I play so many roles depending on what audience I need to perform in front of that I don’t know reality from acting. I’d like to think that me as ‘normal’ is when I’m in a great mood and find everything funny, I like being like that - but that can’t be normal because it’s got a new label which would be bordering on being called ‘manic’. I don’t have ‘sad’ days anymore because they’re labeled ‘depressed’. So what the fuck is normal? Could you handle being angry for two weeks straight at nothing? What about the flipside where you feel on top of the world, confidence oozes, and if one were to jump off a building it’s a certain that you wouldn’t hit the ground because wings would sprout or you’d land it perfectly - you can’t possibly be hurt. But, just for fun, let’s flip it around again because what goes up must come down, and oh how far the mighty fall. You become the most selfish person in the world - but that doesn’t matter, because you’re hurt and frustrated, right? Everyone must feel as low as you, not that it makes you feel any better. And the people you take it out on? Of course, the ones who love you and support you. But you don’t feel loved because how could anyone possibly love you? Why would they? You’re useless and a burden. Sleeping is as close to dead as you can get. I do nothing yet feel like I’ve worked for 12 hours straight, I am so tired. It’s tiring battling with my head. And what about those rages! The feeling of invincibility! Hit me, cut me, burn me - you think I feel it? I can’t feel anything, but you will. Oh how I will hurt you. I will bait you until you can’t take it anymore and snap. And then comes the shame. What an embarrassment you are - to yourself and your family. Those words you used to cut that person down - you should be sorry. And sorry you are. Sorry that you have no self control, sorry that you reduced someone to tears, sorry that you broke someone’s heart, sorry that you are one nasty cruel bitch. But that sarcasm you have - it’s not all bad? You’re funny, people can laugh at you, I mean sure it’s usually at the expense of yourself or others, but how amusing you are! Everyone is happy, you’re happy, so why not keep going? You flirt that line between funny and hurtful until eventually you crash right into it. And there you go again. What a nasty piece of work you are. A good person? No, that you are not. And what will tomorrow bring? I’ve got a lucky dip as an emotional spectrum, unfortunately I can’t pick another one just because I don’t like the ‘prize’ I got. Not that I actually picked that emotion anyway. Maybe it’s more like Russian Roulette? I wonder when I’m going to get the bullet? One day my ‘luck’ will run out. Anxiety attack! Oh anxiety what a nuisance you are. Making me feel scared and sick at the thought of doing something so simple. Making my heart race, my tears flow and my breathing difficult. Just slow your breathing down, deep breaths - Can’t you see I’m fucking trying that and it’s not working? What a sooky coward you are. Here’s a solution! Pop a pill everyday for the rest of your life. Wait, that’s not enough, take one more. No, go back to one, and take these two as well. FUCK. Don’t miss one though because as crazy as you are - not taking them you’re ten times worse. You’ll never need to pop an ecstasy tablet - you’ve got your own personal high for free. Take 60mg of antidepressant and miss one - my knuckles bled from trying to get out of my skin. Boost me to 120mg because clearly I'm on a plateau - I rage and get violent. Take me back to 60mg - meh. Add 2 x 200mg of mood stabilizer a day - I haven't even bothered to take those, I'm not getting stuck on them too. It's hard enough to swallow the idea, no pun intended, that I can't get through a day without taking one let alone three. Do you understand? I don't want drugs, I want to be fixed, I want someone to fix me. Not over the next year - NOW. And you lose your brain - not physically, intellectually. You used to be able to form thoughts and be articulate? Ahh, forget all that. Now deal with hundreds of things running through your head like a movie on fast forward, try to pause it and slow it down - you’ll notice the button is stuck.Talk? You couldn’t hold an intelligent conversation if you tried. That people can’t sit in silence without talking shit that you despised so much? You’re now that person. Forget about trying to multitask, just remembering that you have to do something else later whilst doing something is an achievement these days. Pathetic? Yep, that’s the general feeling. Fake smiles and ‘Yep, I’m fine/good/great/fantastic’ - it’s so draining. But no-one wants to hear the truth, because if they knew they’d never ask again. I’m so tired, did I just run a marathon in my sleep? I’ve just slept for ten hours, but it doesn’t feel like enough. Other days I can sleep for 3 hours and feel fresh, today is not one of those days. Fake smile. Shut up brain. Stare, stare, stare and get lost in the nothing that you see. I can zone out for ages. I can listen to your whole conversation but not hear a word of it. My attention span doesn’t span very far at all - if you have something to say make it quick and I’ll try to get it to sink in. Sorry, can you repeat that? And what about my stories, you’ll know them off by heart because I can guarantee you you’ll hear them all at least twice, not that I remember telling you the first time. Memory - if you’re going to insist on clearing yourself at least be decent enough to clear the whole thing, not just patches. So yep, that's as much rambling as I can get out right now.