My boyfriend needs help.

By JustNeedAdvicePlease Tuesday, September 16, 2008

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My boyfriend has bipolar disorder. Ive been with him almost four years. He has been to a councelor and has been on medication, but for the past 4 months, he has refused to get help or take his medication. He has been physically and mentally abusive towards me and I dont believe that breaking up with him will help him and Im also afraid of what will happen if I do break up with him. I am only 18, and I do not know what to do. I have stuck by his side, but he accuses me of wanting irrational things, and accuses me of wanting to break up with him. I have lost all of my friends because he "does not like any of them". My parents dont understand why I am with him, because they just see him as a "lowlife". I can not get advice/help from them. His actions have taken a very large toll on me, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I have just started college, and I know that I will not be able to succeed with him treating me the way he does. I know that he does not want to be like this, because after he hurts me, he cries and tells me he is sorry, and always promises that he will never hurt me again, but then it always happens again. I dont know what to do anymore. I feel I cant help him. Im not a counciler, I cant prescribe him the medication he needs. His excuse for not taking his medication is "what, are you trying to turn me into a drug addict?". His family does not know how to help either. When he hurts me, they as well as I, refuse to call the police because if he ends up in jail, it will only worsten the problem. We feel the only other option is to take him to a mental hospital, but he will not go willingly, and if we have the police come and take him to a mental hospital, he will think that they are taking him to jail, and he will go crazy. He has threatened suicide many times, and if he looks out the window and sees the police in his driveway, I fear he will attempt suicide because he will believe that he is going to jail.

Please, I just need advice. There is no one else I can talk to about the problems that I am faced with.

Keeping the Faith

Comments (8) | Add comment

hobie

9/16/08 3:37pm

you say..."I am only 18, and I do not know what to do. I have stuck by his side, but he accuses me of wanting irrational things, and accuses me of wanting to break up with him,. I have lost all of my friends because he "does not like any of them". "

ok so you know whats wrong with him by diagnosis, then you know he is in denial.

to make change happen your going to have to make it...

maybe give him 1 last effort, like a compromise, he needs to recognise and stick to his meds or change them. ( searching this site you will find a plan you can work on together when he becomes manic)

You can try to change him but its not working so try and force a change if he don't comply, then you must move on.

maybe being on your own for a while will waken him up a bit, relaizing what he has lost forcing a change in him. Just A Thought..

HeyJude

9/16/08 4:53pm

Thank you for sharing your difficulties with us. You are not alone, reach out to friends, family or clergy for help and advice.

The one thing I can stress is that no woman should have to put up with abuse, under no circumstances. If I were in you shoes, I'd physically leave immediately for my own well being. Abusive relationships are not easily resolved and you need to put space between you and this guy for now if there's any hope for your relationship in the future.

Your s/o need to work on his anger and abusive behavior via professional help. If you leave, maybe he will wake up and get the help he needs.

If you decide to leave, don't tell him where you are going - you need a safe haven for a time while he sorts out his life.

Hope you find some answers to your problems. Your personal safety is tantamount right now - and I hope you will take care of YOU and do what is best. Regards.

Judy

tabby

9/16/08 6:07pm

Sug, you aren't going to like any advice that you receive here because it will be what you refuse to do.

You refuse to leave though you claim to be abused.

You refuse to call 911.

You refuse to go to the police and have them pick him up.

He manipulates you by threatening suicide and you allow him to abuse you by refusing to do the things you need to do to make yourself safe and he get the help he is refusing to get due to denial.

He isn't going to change, you can't make him change, and you can't save him - YOU CAN"T.

You want advice and suggestions but you really don't want to hear or read them because they are what you refuse to do.

What magic words do you want to read outside what you have here? Cause Sug there isn't any. If he winds up killing you in a fit of anger and rage, then what magic words do you want your family to hear?

Eric

9/17/08 4:27am

If your really looking for advice...here goes.

You basically have no say or rights since you two are not married and your not a family member. So here is my suggestion...sit down with his parents and ask that they do a pick-up order on their son so that he can be evaluated at an acute mental health hospital. If he goes crazy when they show up...all the better in grounds to keep him there to start the medications.

You have to understand that it is his choice of whether to take the medications and stay in treatment or not. Your only 18 years old and honestly don't have the time to sustain a serious relationship with going off to college so I would recommend this...

Talk with boy friend and say we need a break for awhile to get our acts together. If once I am out of college and your still sticking with your treatment program and doing well, we will see where it takes us.

By doing this, you are actually doing him a favor in that he will have time to concentrate on getting himself better and working his program.

To be blunt...you two are in a sick relationship as it stands right now, and if allowed to continue...someone is going to get hurt or worse. Right now you have allowed your self-esteem to hit an all time low and you have allowed him to isolate you from friends and family that could and will offer support.

Maybe we parents do know a thing or two about life in general!

hobie

9/17/08 2:39pm

wow you guys rock! the truth hurts sometimes, i couln't said it any better. G.J.

Rosebud

9/17/08 3:24pm

OK, it's time to grow up and put your big girl panties on. You need to remove yourself from this situation NOW. I know. I am 19. I was officially diagnosed with BP when I was 17. I was with a boy (I LOVED WITH ALL MY HEART) and he was so bad for me. We were like oil and water - we never mixed. He was physically and verbally abusive but I LOVED him. It wasn't until I started college and between his abuse and the hard work, the fact that he never let me have friends or do things w/o him and my disabilities, I couldn't handle things and I tried to kill myself because that was the only way out from my point of view. My parents rescued me. I didn't think they cared any more about me BUT they did. My Mom has been by myself thought some really rough times. Right now you don't think they care let alone love you any more BUT parents never stop loving their kids. They're just frustrated. Look, you NEED to put your safety first. You know that, right??? The only way to do that is to leave NOW and do not listen to anything he says cuz he will say whatever it takes to make you turn around. He knows how to manipulate you. Do you honestly want to be with a manipulator??? Of course not. You need to leave so you can see things clear and straight. You are going to college. You are going to make something of yourself. You are destine for bigger and better things. Do this for yourself. He has a mental illness .... so do I, but I don't abuse people. OK I say f-you alot, but what I'm getting at is that we are all accountable and responsible for our own behaviors. When people blame their behavior on others or on the disorder they are in denial and that is a very dangerous place to be. Is this the kind of life you want for yourself. What kind of life will you have 5 years from now .... a couple of kids, no friends and no family as a support system. Just you and an abusing mentally ill partner. PLEASE leave him NOW. At this point, you have just about lost everying in your life ... don't lose your life too. Run - DON'T WALK - and do not look back. Good luck and plesae know that we are all out here praying for you and cheering you on from cyberspace.

Hopeful mom

9/18/08 6:46am

Bipolar or not, he's an abuser. He's isolating you from friends as well as abusing you. You have to break the pattern. You are young. There are plenty of other people out there that you don't have to "save" or "help". You have to save and help yourself. You have your whole future ahead of you. You don't have a future with him unless he gets help. There's nothing you can do for him. The only thing you have control of is whether or not he controls you. It's your choice. If you saw a friend in a relationship like this, would you encourage her to "stick it out" or would you tell her to "get the heck out".

Mignonne

2/ 2/09 1:00am

I am sure that everyone in a relationship with someone with BP disorder can relate to everything you have said. I understand why you say. And, noone in my life understands. I have chosen not to see my ex husband, who I was dating, again, for the last 4 months. I feel better. I do not sustain any abuse any longer. Just the other day he told me I was not compassionate because I do not want to hear about his many ex girlfriends. I am sure this story is exxxxaaaagerated. But, I thought to myself....me not compassionate....how do you think I feel when you are cursing me out, or putting me down, etc.

I would tell you...because you are so young, to run. At least until he gets back on medicine. I understand you have had a long term relationship. But, you are so young and you deserve a man that will have stable moods and treat you with love and respect. Not someone who will abuse you. And, do you want to procreate with someone like this. How ironic. I had many miscarriages when I was married to my ex. But, shortly after I was away from him, I had a beautiful child with someone else. He tried, to have a baby with me, again last year. Well...I just think it is not meant to be for him.

You are asking for help....I am telling you to step back. Threatening suicide is very typical. But, if you step back, make sure you are in a safe place. Your friends you will have forever. But, they do not want to watch you go through abuse. If you step away, they will be there for you. Trust me. I have been where you are.

Mignonne

My boyfriend needs help.

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