My friend told me she did not recognize this person that I'd become. A person different, insecure, scattered not sure who she is. I'm still the same, but different. I did not know then that I was BP. I thought I was different from all the life experiences that I now know some were painful because my bp illness was making me abuse substances on occasion, made me seek risky behavior that excited me and many times hurt me, and at times made me unsure of myself, guilty for no reason etc. I used to think that I had outburst of rage because I had a good reason. Abusive family members or having my fellings hurt or being disrepected etc. Now things are more clear. I'm very intelligent and make good conversation....Still my words often come off against the grain. I ask too many questions, I have too many opinions and sometimes I think my level of thinking intimidates others. Why do people have to think extreme crazy when they hear bipolar? How about you? Experience anything like this?
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Who we've become:
4/10/08 2:17pm
I talk too much and I can't stop. I ask too many questions too. I'm glad to hear about you. I can understand why I'm avoided so much and see why now, I just didn't consider this before. Thank you for helping me see this. I thought I knew it all since I've been diagnosed and been on medication for twenty-four years. Hearing a fresh idea stimulates my own (sometimes? in error) awareness. Is this true for you?
4/11/08 1:53pm
While in one of my early therapy sessions I, too, learned I was not the person I thought I was. That was nearly 30 years ago. I was led to a new understanding though the Briggs-Meyers Type Indicator, a personality test that is used in business or anywhere there is a need to tap into talents and quirks
I discovered that I was an ENFP, and from that point on I revelled in respect for the person I am. To give you just a general idea: I am more extrovert than otherwise.....I love people but I need perhaps more time than some to "refuel." That's the "E." I am highly intuitive and that's the "N." I, like most bipolars, am a feeling type and need to balance that out with thinking. "F" is for me who feels your pain or feels the joy.....and, yes, feels depressed and moody. I am sometimes over the top.
You get the idea. ....though highly simplified. We are the lovers of life, and the angry
catalysts for change. We are the mourners of loss, and the tragic mask of drama (our own.) We are the President of the country (Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt). We are the artists, the writers, the actors. We are the Kay Redfield Jamison's who are scientists and authors. We are unique, and without our contribution the world would be drab and empty.
Keep working on your bipolar-self, but while you are doing it........CELEBRATE yourself!!
4/13/08 1:06pm
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Dear Lex'
I feel that way with the judgemental relatives that know recently that I am bp. If they know you are bp I'd say your probably not paranoid. Still we are so sensitive to others reactions to us. I analize most peoples every move but I wouldn't say I am paranoid, just observative. dbletlk 1
Very validating points, otterlo! I too analyze everything, thinking there should be a 'reason' for all my strong feelings. Even knowing that's just part of bipolar, I still do it - can't help it. I am extremely sensitive & always have been, even before becoming ill; I suppose the illness just takes it to the next level. I should really keep my mouth shut more than I do, but at least we have a safe place to spill it here in support groups.
You must have an especially interesting perspective, having been on 'both sides of the fence', so to speak.