My patience is just about gone. Since starting to feel bad this summer, I'm now about 6 months into trying to feel better. New docs/old docs, new meds/olds, at work/at home, following the rules/not following instructions - doesn't seem to matter. I still feel bad.
Let's take today for instance. It's Saturday. Right off the bat, that's a good thing; I don't have to worry about trying to make it through work (which I wasn't able to do the last 2 days). I got up on time, showered, dressed, had breakfast, took meds. I've wrapped Christmas presents and baked cookies. I've been to the post office. I've made 2 phone calls. I'm not hypomanic - in fact, everything I've done has seemed tedious and overwhelming. But the time is creeping by so slow I have to do something to make it go faster.
Wrapping 5 gifts = 3 breakdowns into tears. Running the vacuum cleaner = 1 breakdown. I don't even know if what I'm experiencing can be described as depression or mania anymore. The best word I can think of is distraught.
6 months of feeling bad, nearly 3 months off work. I'm dangerously close to losing my job. FMLA time all used up. But I can't go to work and sit at my desk crying every 15 minutes!!!! I can't stand to be home alone all day either. What am I supposed to do?
The doctor just says "keep taking the medicine; it takes time" - but I'm not sure how much more time I have. I'm terrified. I'm going to lose my job and my husband and end up alone, paranoid and miserable like my dad.
Just getting through a Saturday should not be this difficult! Saturdays are for relaxing and enjoying yourself. Doing things you usually enjoy should not make you feel impatient and shouldn't seem like too much work.
I pray to God every night for strength to get through the following day. I'm starting to feel like He's not listening. I've never been angry at God before; it's a frightening feeling in itself. But I don't know what I've done to deserve to be this miserable.
I know none of you has the answer either. But I'm thankful for a place to get some of this stuff out of my head. Hope your day is going better, wherever you are.
cg73..Hello, my name is Sue. What have you been diagnosed with?..how long ago?.
I ask these ?s because it sounds like you feel that everything that you are doing that the Dr. with meds ect. I unddrstand where your at. When I was diagnosed in 97 it was very frightning.(BiPolor Manic Depression) One thing I have found out that you are going through a wellness process. Meds are not the only thing that you need. I found a very good counselor that kept in contact with my Dr and progress. I took over and put the right people in place for my treatment. I know about the worries of work marriage ect..Please make a attempt to get counseling, this helps you sort out problems and feelings you are running into. Being apart of this websight is a very positive step. I know it seems that everything is building up and your afraid of failure loss, being alone...well dont, your not alone I promise you it will get better. Please get a counselor..go over your Dr. and your meds. You'll be able to deal with this so much better. Good Luck and stay online and express yourself, thats healthy. Keep me posted about counseling..by the way it is the key to feeling better.
Sue G
From Illinois
I was diagnosed type 2 bipolar in September. I do have a counselor, and will see her on Thursday.
I put a lot of thought into it yesterday, and there is a pattern to how I feel throughout the day. The tiredness and depression come on aroun 10-11 am and start going away around 3-4 pm. This makes me think even more that it is med-related.
I went back through my journal and put together a timeline of events and symptoms and will call the doc first thing in the morning. There has to be something we can do differently.
cg73 Your on the right track. You might run into walls but dont stop. Make sure your Dr. is hearing you and not just feeding you pills. Take counseling very seriously it will be your saftey net. Stay online and keep us updated on your progress.
Good Luck and I'll be looking for your post online.
Sue
Illinois