Well, I'd like to say things are going good but they're not. Yes. This is a really tough time of year, I have to agree. Literally no money for gifts, no money for food! I was really looking forward to the possibility of going back to school. Unfortunately, I found out that I can't get funding because I still owe on a student loan from about 10 yrs. ago. I was unable to finish my degree at the time because of the bipolar. I have been self employed for most of my adult life but now need to go back to a reg. job. I can't because I don't have any training, haven't worked in several years due to health probs. and can't get training because I can't pay my loan (which I could pay if I had a job...make sense?). Anyway. I am very unhappy after moving closer to family about 7-8 mos. ago (I knew better but did it anyway). They thought that when I moved here, I would be magically healed. Surprise! Doesn't work that way. I have been in a very deep depression for 3 or 4 mos. now and my "family" is mad at me. They seem to think I am making it up and some good old sunshine, family fun and criticism will make it all go away. Screwed financially by several family members and I just keep getting deeper and deeper in debt with no end in sight. I am back to drinking and cutting on a reg. bases. I have been trying to get some psych help because I have terrible anxiety and insomnia. Even lost 10 - 15 lbs. in less than 2 mos. I seem to have a doctor that just doesn't see the severity of my situation. I keep telling her and my MD it's getting worse and I don't think I can control it much longer. I'm circling the drain! The only response from them is "go to the er." I don't need the er if I can get the right meds! I just can't handle this anymore. Too many years of battling it alone. So I am planning a trip. Just want to pack my stuff and leave town. I am hoping to leave this weekend. No destination set. A good ole' road trip. I hate to dump but his is the only place I can vent. Even the guy I have wanted to be with for years doesn't know I even exist. Since I left friends behind to move closer to family, it's become so lonely. To protect myself, I stay away from everyone. Bah humbug!
My dad doesn't think there is anything wrong with me either. He acts like me alot and can't even see that he needs help. The other family members are nice enough about my mental illness, but I can see that they don't seem to really totally believe me. You need to surround yourself with people who believe you and genuinely want to help you. That makes a huge difference in your life. Take one day at a time. Try to find a mental health clinic in your area or a psychiatrist who will listen to you. As for Christmas, it isn't about the presents or what you give people. It is about spending time with the people you love and celebrating the birth of Jesus. At least that is my belief. Whatever you belief is I hope you higher power can get you through this and help you to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I hope you find one thing about this Christmas that will make you happy. I know how hard that can be when you feel there is nothing to be happy for.
I wish i could understand my father and his bi-polar better. He is not willing to get help for it and we have been through alot of stress the last 4 months as he has been in and out of 3 different hospitals. Dad was diagnosed some 30 years ago and was just barely functioning until my mom passed away two years ago. Since that time, he continues to think that he can do without or lessen his own meds. My sister and i are at our wits end. He wants to borrow more money he doesn't have to play the stock market. All his manic behavior is requiring us to set more and more boundaries on a daily basis.
I certinly understand what your saying. I have had bipolar my entire adult life. My father was, and my son is also bipolar. Both have done the same thing. It's hard to be living with it myself and doing everything I can to survive and then have someone who is not doing anything for themselves and expecting everyone else to fund their wild ideas and verbal abuse. I have had to take a stand and I explained to them that until they are willing to at least attempt to help themselves, I will be there but not support their negative behavior. I have counseled many of those diagnosed with and families of people with BP and tell them the same thing. Your not doing yourself or them any favors by giving into their unacceptable behaviors. Decide where you need to draw the lines and stick with it. If they try, that's all they can do. You can still love them but letting them run all over you does no one any good. Those with addictions and many of us with mental illness are experts in manipulation. Keep that in mind.
thanks so much for your response. The fact that our Dad is also an aging parent, seems to make things more complicating especially because we feel its like our ethical duty to take care of him even more so since our mom passed away. Thank you for the reminder about the manipulating tactics because that is exactly what seems to be going on the last few days for sure. Does he know that he is manipulating when he is doing it?
Not always. Sometimes it's hard to know for sure through the fog that sometimes interferes with our thinking process. For others, it's a learned behavior. You may need to gently bring it to his attention or if he is not receptive, just know on your end and trust your judgment. He just knows what he needs and/or wants but doesn't always realize the extent of manipulation. Sometimes I do it and don't realize it. Please realize that even as a parent ages, that doesn't excuse bad behavior. I'm 50 and I would not expect my 30 yr. old son to put up with it just because I'm a parent and grandparent. Disrespect is disrespect no matter what age. I get this from my mother who is 75 and very intelligent with no mental illness. My sister gets very angry with me because I will not tolerate disrespect from her. Age does not give a person free will to act inappropriately. Love him but letting someone treat you poorly is not doing anyone any favors.
I know from experiences with my own family that you can talk to them, try to explain to them what is going on and they still don't understand. Sometimes they look at me as if I am an alien. It used to hurt me, but not as much anymore. I have come to accept that unless you carry this disease (for lack of a better word) with you every day you will never understand what we go through.
I hid alot from people because I thought I was just crazy. I knew that the racing thoughts, the rash decisions, the weeks of so called being in bed sick, the angry out burst were not me. I finally ended up in the psychiatric ward twice and was diagnosed. I guess I didn't tell anyone about those symptoms and MANY others because I didn't want to be labeled a crazy person or freak. I was embarrassed. Don't give in the your fathers wims. Eventually we come to our senses and realize what we said or did was wrong. It is sometimes to do anything about it. Part of you doesn't think you are doing anything wrong. I kicked my husband out more times than I care to count and felt justified to do so. Not that he was perfect, but it wasn't as bad as I would say. Unfortunately we are very much impulsive people and take to many risks that we shouldn't when we are in our manic states.
Try to keep talking to him about seeing a psychiatrist and therapist. Love him and read up on bi polar and their symptoms. It helped my family alot to read up on all the information on bi polar. You can only do so much to help. We have to admit to ourselves something is not right.
I was diagnosed six years ago and have had tons or medicine changes, thearapy, and lots of love and support. I am blesssed. I still have many symptom and manic times. I have just worked hard to manage them better. No one can do that for me. Merry Christmas to all of you!
Thank you once again for sharing your suggestions and experience with us. i am so grateful to have found this web-site and plan to refer to it frequently to gain more knowledge and support. God Bless you all and Merry Christmas!
I am so happy to have found this web site myself. I really enjoy reading what people write because I don't feel so alone. I would imagine that alot of us have friends and family that love us unconditionally, but can't truly understand our daily struggles. I don't expect them to either. I don't understand them myself most of the time.
Thank you all for the advice and the companionship. I also wish all of you a very Merry Christmas!