i don't even know

in a week i have had 3 pac attacks. things are just building up. i go to the pdoc monday thank goodness. i need to get back on ocd medication and talk to him about my stress/anxiety and paranoia (however its spelled). i mean for goodness sake i can't close a window at night because i always see a mens face and think he is going to kill me or someting. whats hrd is the face is my fathers. my father killed himself when i was 8 and was abusive to me as a child. i was taken away from my mother when i was 2 because a member of the court was paid. so from the ages 2 to 5 and a half i lived with my father and step-mother. my brother and my half sister lived there also. i was the middle child. my stp mother hated me and abused me not only physical but mentally and emotionally also. i can recall times when i was forced to eat my throw up and stay out side for the night, and had to eat in the laundry room and everything. i havent seen my half sister or had any contact with her since she was 2 now she is 12. i have lived with my mother since i was 5 and a half. i have another half sisterho is 9 and a step father that i don't really like. my half sister knows very little about my real dad and all. im not supposed to talk about it because my step dad doesnt like it. its just so stressful. i could go on and on but i have to go now.