It's ironic that this message was the first that I saw today. I felt exactly the same way for years. I feel that this is the reason that many of us (BP's) go off our meds. Anyway, just recently (2wks ago) my Pdoc changed my meds again and I'm currently on 150 mg effexor xr and 150 mg lamictal. I FINALLY feel somewhat "normal". Whatever that is. But I can laugh (without being manic), cry (without feeling like my life is over), and get angry (without the rage!). I NEVER knew what "normal" was, even b4 I was diagnosed!!??? Now I'm starting to get a taste of it. It's really weird. No huge mood swings!!?? And no sexual side effects!!  I think I'm gonna celebrate! btw, I was diagnosed in '94, when I was 29. I'm now 44. a lot of time wasted, but I'm taking one step at a time and enjoying life to the fullest! I pray that you can find the right mix of meds to help you and that it doesn't take near as long as it took me! Please feel free to message me anytime if you need support or just someone to vent to. Best of luck!!

Hi,

Cheer up, my friend. I am going through the exact same thing you are going through, though my doctor and husband said that I was doing a lot better. I am a 34 year old African-American woman, married to a wonderful ordained minister, mother and step-mother of 5, a substitute teacher for DeKalb County Schools (Decatur, GA), and have a 3-year-old beloved mixed labrador-retriever male named Shannon. I, too have everything going for myself, but I, too can't seem to get it right, either! I feel your pain, dude!! While I was driving to see my psychiatrist, I got a call from the substitute teacher supervisor telling me that I got an exclusion or better yet, "expulsion" from one of the Middle Schools for turning off the fans because of 7th period's misbehavior. When I called for an administrator to help me, she called me to the office and said that because the school was hot, that I could not turn off the fans for any reason because they will be in serious trouble. I cried, saying that I did not know that rule and that I had repented in the office. I even asked for forgiveness!! Well, I finally turned the fans back on, and I was still persecuted by the students even when I tried to give them their assignment from their teacher who was out that day. This happened September 24th of last month. Well, anyway, I thought I was forgiven and that incident was thrown out of the door. This same Middle School (September 30th) emailed me stating that they needed more substitutes. I started not to go back, however, a lady (the Counselor) from the Cottage School (a special needs school in Roswell, GA) cancelled my appointment because she accused me of not showing up that last Wednesday (the 24th) at 8:30 that morning. Well, first of all, I told her that I had to work for somebody else at that Middle School (on that same day) and that she called me earlier stating that she had to reschedule because of an Individualized Education Program (IEP) meeting. So I thought I told her that I would come October 1st of this month. I even documented that I was to come on that day! She even told me that they were not going to accept [me] as an intern from now until the rest of the school year. I told her twice that I sorry, but that was a missunderstanding! She did not believe me. Whatever, she said, went. And I could no longer argue with her over the phone. At first, I was supposed to meet with the principal at the Cottage School on the 17th at 8:30 last month, but because there was traffic on I-285 N going E really bad, we had to reschedule for the 24th. Anyway, this counselor called me earlier stating that we had to reschedule because of her meeting. AND I DID SAID OCTOBER 1ST AND PUT IT DOWN ON MY SCHEDULE BOOK!! So anyway, I called this particular Middle School and said that I will be happy to sub for them! I went to work that day, and I had an excellent day with no problems. And that time, the air condition was on!! Well, the Lord knew that it was nothing but a miscommunication. I am at Cambridge College trying to get a master's degree in Special Education, and once I pass the 1st part of the Special Education test in Georgia, I can do my intern. I am this close into graduating sometime next year or whenever, and I keep getting doors shut in my face because of my past teaching history!! This stupid bipolar is really kicking my (expletive)! Excuse me, but you know the word I want to say. So here again, I feel your pain. And I hope you feel mine! My problem now is Spirituality and getting to seek God continously. I know you want your life back, but you have to press on regardless of the situation and not waddle in your pity. Claim to yourself that you don't have the bipolar and don't whine about it (read Isaiah 53:4-5 and Isaiah 54:17). Jesus said that no weapon formed against you shall prosper. You can still enjoy your life without letting the bipolar control you and get you down. That is what I am still working on. My personal relationship with God!! If you are a Christian and a believer in Jesus Christ, He will heal you, but you have to continue taking your meds. And don't claim that you have the bipolar! Even if you lost interest in the things you used to do, still try to do them instead of waddling in your pity. If teaching does not work for me, then I will try truck driving or become a mortician. I had another disappointment. The CDL bus training for October 20th had been cancelled because DeKalb put a freeze hire on hiring bus driver. So I applied to go to another county, told them I already had a CDL learners permit. And once everything's approved, then they will set me up for an interview and start the training. I am praying that this county in Georgia will take me in because DeKalb County is getting "I don't know what"!! I hate to say that, but I am disappointed and angry. But I refused to sin!! Eph. 4:27. Anyway, I had been on bipolar meds for almost 12 years (the same time I was diagnosed). Right now, I feel like a mutant and a nobody because of the illness. Stay strong, young man! You will get your life back. You got everything going for yourself. I tried to be perfect according to Matthew 5:48, but I kept messing up. My supervisor also told me that if I get two more exclusions from two more schools, I will be terminated as a substitute. And that will definitely keep me from getting another teaching job!! And I would have to find something else to do. I may even apply for long term disability so that I won't have to be bothered with children, administrators, or anybody else. Be encourage!!

Paula

bellaluna

10/16/08 8:51am

I have been diagnosed 23 years now I'm 63, Take escalith and whelbutren, I have a question for every one that has B/P, I was told that it is hereditary, if thats true, then wouldn't we that have B/P all be related? I mean in our linage maybe when the Vikings or  Genghis Khan was raping and pillaging, all them years ago, they passed on there genes to us? we are all connected at some point in our past history, so is this possible, can I get a government grant to study this??

Hiya,

This is probably going to sound like platitudes but I know where you are coming from and I have just found I have to push through it. Eat sensibly - for sure, but things like going to the shop to buy some really nice food, making fin out of it, getting out of the house fullstop, going for a walk (it's amazing what just a short walk or outing each day will do). Call a friend and meet for coffee, offer to walk someone's dog - all the little things in life are what get that pleasure back - I have a 10 yesr ol daughter and just laughing about stuff with her can re feul my run down batteries. Watch a funny DVD, re-read a favourie novel...etc etc.

It's a Nike "Just do it" thing for me. But small teps can make all the difference.

You will get there, don't have high expectations, just do little things and it will come eventually.

Bonzai

10/10/08 2:34am

Hi

Thank you for responding. When it comes to eating, I've got no problem doing that. I've Picked up 6kg in 2 weeks. I've tried the retail therapy it works but only for a day or two. I use to gym everyday, but can't seem to get myself back in that mode to gym again. I've got the most wonderfull guy in my life (I'm gay hope you've got nothing against that) and the support I get from him is amaizing. He's trying his best to get me positive everday, and it works for a bit. My child is an angel in my life. I've got a very good job and so much to live for and appriciate everything good and bad in min my life deerly. But i feel empty and without emotion and that concerns me. My mood is like the weather even worse, from happy to sad never angry, (not sad just not feeling anything at all).

I know it's up to me to get myself out of feeling like this. And don't realy want encouragement from other peole, just want to know how do I get myself happy and stay that way.

Narelle

10/10/08 11:03pm

Didn't mean to sound preachy - and nothing against your relationship - you go guy! I guess what I was trying to say was that in my experience it's a start small and try and see the joy in little things first. I know exactly where you are coming from, misdiagnosed for 10 years, and had the worst post-natal on top of that, but I have found that it's a matter of just small things.

And "being happy" - well I don't know if anyone is "happy" all the time - I dunno if that's an expectation that anyone should have, recipe for disaster from my experience. There are pockets of happiness, the warm and fuzzy times, but I find they are small and I find them in everyday experiences when I least expect them.

You sound like you are doing all the "right things". But, well, "being happy" is something fleeting and precious in my life, and I hang on to the knowledge that those times happen, specially when i'm not feeling much at all. I think it's like that for most people. if they have mental health issues or not. And if they appear happy all the time, well i'd question what kind of happy that is (I have some friends like that, they tend to lack depth!).

But do talk to your doctoe about the amounts of meds you are on, you may find that a lower doseage gives you back that emotional edge.

Cheers

N

I am married, so far, to a beautiful lady who was diagnosed officially with biplor two years ago.  She spend three weeks in the hospital for suicidal thoughts.  It was not the first time she has been hospitalized before but I didn't know that she was bipolar, I thought it was related to an incident earlier in her life.  Right now, we are almost splitting up.  I don't want to but she seems to believe that I am responsible for everything and I am making her life miserable.  Seems like in the last few months her rages at me are escalating.  I don't completely understand why she becomes so angry over things I don't think are that bad.  For example, this last incident began because I had to attend a meeting for the company I work for.  It wasn't an overnight meeting.  I was home before my regular work day would have been over.  She is incensed at my employer and believes that I care more about my employer, especially my boss, than her.    She was the same when I worked as a counselor.  She worked as a teacher at the same school.  It wasn't an issue when we started seeing each other. In fact, she wanted to know all about me and grown children and grandkids.  Now she uses that against me when she rages at me.   We are both divorced. She was for probably ten years and I divorced to marry her.  We are 18 years difference in years.  That wasn't an issue either.  In fact, I believed that she wanted or thought I would provide stability in her life and have someone who could help her with her children.  Since marrying all of that seems to have gone out the window.  Don't get a wrong impression, we have had a lot of wonderful times.  It is just the rage she goes into that I don't understand. And the terrible things she says to me only make me angry and I respond angrily at the time, which just makes everything worse.  I just feel like I have to defend myself.  It comes without warning.  We have agreed that if she is feeling irritable, she needs to tell me.  That worked a little.  At a time we were going to church together and then her father died and she hasn't gone since.  She doesn't want to anymore.  We wrote a contract.  I offered to go to counseling with her.  I don't know how long I can take it.  I feel like I am paddling upstream against the rapids.  We haven't spoken for a week now.  We write notes back and forth.  Am I doing something wrong?  Am I not understanding something?  I could use your help with this. 

bipolar not Crazy

10/23/08 9:11pm

From someone as myself who is bipolar/depressed and who treats my beautiful wife the same you your wife is treating you with regards to the mood swings and rage I can tell you that it is not intentional.  I do the same things you described about your wife, I make big things out of little things, I blame her for everything bad in my life, I throw things and say mean really mean things - this is the rage.  I have never put a hand on my wife and hopefully never will.  I can tell you that at times I am so ashamed of myself for putting this beautiful woman through this that I feel like killing myself.  Luckily for me she understands my illness, she has gone with me to my sessions with my psychiatrist and counselor and she understands I can't control it.  I wake up in the morning in a completely different mood from what I was feeling the day before.  Most of the time I am irritable and my wife knows to stay away.  Yes, I take medication I am on Welbutrin and even though it brings me up it does not control the mood swings.  I have offered to move out and seperate but my wife loves me and she is supportive and I love her to.  So the real question for you is how supportive do you want to be.  Yes, it's tough and sometimes terrible but it's not personal.  Thanks for your post, my wife and I both read it and she said to me "hey honey it sounds like you".  Just love her and support her, you have no idea what she has to live with and the internal pain both mentally and physically she must go through after her episodes with you.  Don't be selfish put yourself in her shoes - if you can.

 

Good luck!

trmptdan

10/27/08 1:48pm

Thanks, things are back on keel.  It is difficult but I am beginning to understand her triggers.  It is just hard to know when or what sets her off.  It could be something unrelated to me.  We had a good weekend with her kids, my step.  I will hang in there.  I would never hit her.