With medication rejection, mixed states, rapid cycling, suicidal ideation, pharmaceutical failures, and more, I am 7 years the illness and thousands of moments persuing health and wellbeing, battling the notion of suicide ... even though that would be the answer to erase what I cannot. As the psychiatric wheel goes round and round, I have chased after M.D.s, and P.H.d's, psychiatrists, psychotherapists, and psychoanalysists, looking for the answers, wondering the questions, searching for self in a mind full of wonder, history and dismay.
So I ask, is it the illness of Bipolar that makes me symptomatic? Is it the pain that I carry that is too heavy a burden to bare? or is it the sum of both.
Either way, as I search for the answers and hope for relief, I continue to swallow and juggle and study and wait for my diamond in the sand. For my diamond is my wellness and perhaps, I am only grains away from having it. And while I dig, I imagine my relief and hope it comes.
Cynthia M. Sabotka
