With medication rejection, mixed states, rapid cycling, suicidal ideation, pharmaceutical failures, and more, I am 7 years the illness and thousands of moments persuing health and wellbeing, battling the notion of suicide ... even though that would be the answer to erase what I cannot. As the psychiatric wheel goes round and round, I have chased after M.D.s, and P.H.d's, psychiatrists, psychotherapists, and psychoanalysists, looking for the answers, wondering the questions, searching for self in a mind full of wonder, history and dismay.
So I ask, is it the illness of Bipolar that makes me symptomatic? Is it the pain that I carry that is too heavy a burden to bare? or is it the sum of both.
Either way, as I search for the answers and hope for relief, I continue to swallow and juggle and study and wait for my diamond in the sand. For my diamond is my wellness and perhaps, I am only grains away from having it. And while I dig, I imagine my relief and hope it comes.
Cynthia M. Sabotka
Cynthia...Our illness is our cross to bear, so to speak. May our search for answers never end - it keeps us in tune and is our lifeline. I've been living with this illness for several years, and my search, my curiosity and need for answers, continues. I think that's how it's supposed to be - it keeps us on track. Wish you well and look forward to hearing from you again.
Judy
I can relate to everything in your post about our illness is our cross to bear.
I have been studying hard to understand my brand of bipolar for years. I regularly talk with my very insightful psychologist/therapist. I change medications at least once a year searching for something that works. And ultimately I continue to suffer.
When I feel normal or a little hypomanic for a few months, I question whether I was ever ill in the first. Like so much fleeting pain, it is difficult to remember, so I conclude that I'm recovered or never really had anything to recover from in the first place.
I must remind myself that the illness gets worse over the years if untreated. I need to remember this during periods the occasional periods of time when I temporarily feel normal without the help of any medication, as those are the times during which maintaining a couple of core medications could possibly reduce the impact of the inevitable return and worsening of my symptoms.
For the few and brief periods; a few months at most; during which my symptoms were below a noticable threshhold, the pain seems to have been fleeting and suffering temporary, and overall they seemed to be nothing in the "All", like a slight fog cleared away by a fresh, cleansing and seemingly constant breeze. In those periods I am conviced that I am "better"; that whatever was wrong with my was due to circumstances or diet or some other external factor; and that all I need to due is avoid those things that made me feel bad.
When the dream that my illness was just a matter of feeling bad as a result of curcumstances; when that curtain between me and reality is abruptly yanked away; I remember that I'm ill and I wonder how I ever could have doubted it. I only believe I'm ill when I feel ill. And every time I feel ill, I will myself to try and remember during my next reprieve.
You say that your search, curiosity and need for answers, continues. So does mine during times of suffering, but I have no anchor to hold me to that search when I'm feeling "fine".
Jim...Thanks for your wonderfully insightful post. It reminds me that there are many other bipolars fighting the good fight - always looking for answers and dealing with a difficult, albiet much misunderstood illness.
There are no easy solutions. Medications are certainly a part of maintaining our illness, but only a piece of our success in staying well. I've learned not to fight this illness, but rather go with the flow and deal with the cards as they are dealt. This way, I tend to stay healthier for longer periods of time. What works for me may not work for others. Each of us has to find our own way to wellness.
I wish you all the best. May you stay healthy and happy, just as our creator intended us to be.
Judy