He told me right away that he has been diagnosed bipolar and on meds for ten years now. We are both in our late forties. He also told me that it's not easy to be in a relationship with a bipolar person and he shared some information on the illness so that I could understand what I might be getting into. His most pressing issues are the manic/depression which he controls with lithiium and other medications. What he *didn't* tell me right away was that he'd gone off his meds and resumed them shortly before meeting me. They haven't returned him to his previous manageable state yet and he's asking me to be patient. He's been in a down mood much of the time we've been together, save for a few weeks at the very beginning. In total it's been four months that we've been involved.
I find the depression trying. When I see him and stay with him for a day or two, he never leaves the couch, he rarely bathes, it's his depression. He thinks of what he *should* be doing and it's just too much trouble. He reaches out to me in a boyfriend way; making contact, listening to me and talking about my life and challenges and achievements. He isn't physically demonstrative and that is upsetting to me.
Nothing is all that it could or should be. Not sex, not intimacy, not joy, not laughing, not conversations. He tells me how he will be when his meds kick in and I can *see* that he is the person he tells me of, just not now.
It's been six months now since he restarted his meds. He tells me they should have had more effect by now but he won't find a new psychiatrist. The depression prevents him from getting up and dealing with. He would also have to go through finding the right combination and that carries with it the risk of what might happen on the wrong combinations. He was once given meds that made him violent.
I often think that I will coast along for now. I have a demanding and rewarding career, other friends and I'm not dealing with any illnesses mental health or otherwise. What I get from him is limited in terms of affection, growth, a partner. We genuinely have good feelings for each other - no one has mentioned the L word and I can't see that happening under the present conditions.
I can't discuss much of this with him as it is hurtful to him and that's not good for him in his present depressed state. Yes, I've tried and because he can't do anything about it, he says, I'm at a point of I push him to see a psychiatrist and deal with his meds which may end our relationship if he doesn't.
He's told me to find other resources to help me deal. So. Here I am :)
Sounds like your doing the right things so far. I know this is going to cause a stir but...you should never get involved with another person that is having issues with a mental illness. In order to have a health relationship...both have to be healthy meaning that he has to have a period of stabilization for awhile before you go any further.
You can't fix him and if you go the route of getting involved in a relationship with him right now with him dealing with depression, the relationship with soon enough change when he starts to get well.
My suggestion is to stay just friends, don't get too involved like doing things for him because he feels he can't (caregivers tend to take over)and do suggest that he gets back in with his psychiatrist and therapist or find a new one if he dosen't feel he is getting anywhere with his present one's.
In my house the deal breaker is stopping your medications. Its our responsibility to manage our illness, see our pdocs and take the medications as prescribed to stay well.
Go really really slow!
From his perspective that I know because he's very communicative, warts and all, about what's going on with him, he's hopeful the meds will kick in and he'll be ok. He'd never gone off them before and very much regrets doing it this one time.
Going slow is exactly my concern. It's so slow we're almost at a stop. He won't mess with his meds yet or find a psychiatrist and his GP won't adjust his meds, of course. He needs a psychiatrist to get him through this which he says he should but he's stalling.
From what I've read and learned so far it's common that the non bipolar partner has to be patient, and that bipolar sufferers know this but can do little to nothing but do what they can and wait on results.
Wait for things to change.
While I care for him a great deal emotionally I'm not his caregiver. The few days that I spend with him I've literally sat on his front steps or the bathroom and cried out of frustration and literal boredom. He was concerned that he might bring me down but I've managed to avoid that. So far.
I've been upset because we do nothing when we're together. Maybe I'm answering my own question with what I'm posting here.
He can't be 'in' my life while he's depressed. He can do nothing more than drive me to my jobs when I've been at his place and he resents that because it's difficult for him to get off the couch. I moved recently and he was completely not a part of that except to walk in to my place once, declare it a 'cubby hole' and we left for his place.
He's asked that we put each other first in that we not cultivate other friendships and be exclusive. As for his bipolar issues, here I am.
I'm kind of astounded that someone with this illness would ask someone they care about and want to be with, to put their lives on hold and wait for them to get better. I find myself in a position of honouring someone's struggle, someone's illness, and putting my own needs, wants and desires from my partner on hold and we don't know for how long.
One thing I *do* know is that nothing stays constant. He gets better and we get to know each other again, or this will follow an unfortunate path to an end. I feel that I would have to put myself entirely aside to stay with him otherwise and if nothing changes. I'm not prepared to do that much longer.
I also feel guilty and I don't think I should. If there were no guilt I would have told him a couple of months ago to call me when he got himself back on track. That may sound harsh but I didn't agree to go out with him when he was depressed. He asked me when he was feeling good about himself.
It would be nice if we had our occasional contact and that added something. It doesn't. I hang up the phone or come back to my place from him and I'm either down or wanting to catch up with my regular life, the one he won't be a part of while he's depressed.
I've blathered on here a bit and I'm grateful for the one comment. Any and all comments are appreciated, really. I'm in a bit of a quandry and unfortunately (maybe not unfortunately?) leaning toward ending this relationship, such as it is.
See...even in real life people have their ups and downs and the majority of the time it has nothing to do with an illness and more to do with whats going on around them. If you guys had a good time while he was as you put it doing well...then I would expect a little guilt of deciding to shut him out until he is feeling better.
Treat this as a friendship and nothing more. If you had a friend that was going through a tough time...do you tend to avoid them until things get better? In my case I tend to be supportive, give them my usual advice even when they don't ask for it (get you ass into see your pdoc now before you end up buying a one way ticket to an acute mental health unit)and tend to be a bit more understanding with people that do have a disability verses people that tend to make their own problems.
As I said before...no one should ever enter into a long term relationship with someone that is unable to meet them half way and are aka healthy. By the way...a lot of us that do have this illness of bipolarism can and do make great partners and do have extended period of being healthy. In my case its been 8 years since any issues of the highs or lows and it way 8 years ago that I finally got it in that it was my responsibility to get myself well and stay there verses everyone else.
He is not in that place yet to be asking you to remain true to him nor even close to being able to meet you half way. He needs to get his ass off the couch, get into see a real psychiatrist that see bipolarism everyday and get treatment. He is still in what I call the infant stages of recovery.
If you want a better understanding of the illness...you may want to read a on-line book I wrote last year http://www.mentalhealthus.com